Can't do this anymore

Hello again

I read a book by Patricia Evans "Surviving Verbal abuse" I think by the sounds of things that you have this and then some!! It sounds emotional and physical too.

Will he leave and if not- when does he plan to leave?

you say he wants 50/50 but how will this work in his mind?
and of course how do you feel this will work?

Mine thot he could still come back and kiss then goodnight every night!!!!

I am in mediation but have had huge levels of abuse via text and email, I stopped him coming to the MH and phoning because of this.

You cant do this, so you need to find a way to get him out of your life. Like you we are all happier now, however I do let him see thie kids a lot. (for them cos he does love them and is a good dad and so far does not hurt them but loves them - slightly too much!)

So what can you do....

1. Move out? do you have anywhere pracitcal to go? family friends? do not go without your children tho.

2. stay and put up with him abusing nd manipulating you?

3. encourage him to move out? This sounds the best option but also sounds the most difficult to make happen....so what does he want?

again I would urge you to seek counselling. You WILL feel better about yourself, you need to feel better about yourself and BELEIVE that you are not mad/on the verge of insanity, it is his behaviour that is so distressing that is causing you to behave like this.

I think for anyone still living with their partner after they split up is horrendously difficult but with an abusive partner this can seriously damage and hurt you.

Seek counselling/talk to sensible friends and find some way to reassure yourself that you are right! I know you know this but deep down he is making you doubt yourself!

As a mum you cannot let him do this.

think about what options you could have? I dont know how this is for you, but it does sound like he is holding you over a barrel about money and the kids.

can you see a family lawyer? Have you asked the Divorce lawyer here or some of the really smart experienced wikis eg Angel and Mike?

please please feel free to PM me if you want and let me know how you are?

xx Jo xx

Mariaa - a good challenge and one I thought about much over the summer. I offered him 45% in return for him moving out - was prepared to go to 50% but wanted signs that he would work collaboratively which is required for shared parenting. I though that this would be the best gift I could give my children ie for the conflict to go away.

For him it had to be everything on his terms - as it alsways has been in the past.He turned my offer down in 2 hours ... 50/50 his preferred pattern plus 50/50 on finances (I din't even discuss finances)or no deal.

For me - he sees that once we are divorced I will no longer be in his life. What he forgets is that for the children to have the best chance at life - we both need to work very closely together and agree and implement a common approach to parenting. I cannot see such a high split being anything other than disaster for the children - as it is currently proving.

after reading Yummys post again - she is right keep copies of everything

I have kept every email/written up every text not that I think they have much legal standing but for me when he makes me doubt myself I re read them and have let trusted friends have a look to make sure I am not over reacting (like he says I do)

the swithcing of blame is a common trait of abusers, they turn things aroung and "transfer" what they do to us onto us andh imply that it is our fault. This is waht they do. they never think it is their fault they think it is ours.

I just found a very interesting site tonight called
DR Irenes Verbal Abuse Site

look it up it looks at their behaviour and why we allow it - I have copied lots to a word doc to look at tomorrow when I can read it better.

The diary he has kept - could you copy the things he has written again it porbably has no legal power but will help you feel strenghtend in you beleif in yourself. and write everything he says and does done, even his "minor abuse" as you called it. if you can rememeber put dates/details around this, again this will give you strenght and will maybe help you in the future to show how he is and how often.

As for the teacher - hard but try not to make her the centre of your hatred. You will hate him and again that is healthy - it is anger and righty so. You are allowed to feel angry, he has hurt you, is punishing you, and making you suffer for some bizarre abuser reasons of his own.

As a victim of abuse you are in a good stage of trying to move on by realising his behaviour is making you angry and how he has treated you now (and I suspect for a long time) makes you feel angry.

However try (I know easy to say) but keep yourself OK, and revenge - like telling your village will only make you look bad, she is not to blame - he is!

I would tell some friends though - you need support from those that know you, being silent only feeds his "power" and makes you feel weaker.

sorry for the length of my responses - I just feel so much empathy for you and wish I could be there to help you more.

Jo xx

I really feel for you as it appears you are being blackmailed & bullied in an attempt to make you have a full mental breakdown!! Please stay strong, dont let him win, try not to argue with him anymore & continue to try to get him out of your lives for good!!!
I hope you have a good network of family & friends to support you, to reaffirm that theres nothing wrong with you as a person or as a mum.
Keep posting, everyone here will help as much as they can, hang on in there,
Cindy

So sorry to read your post. There are some horrible people out there, but there are some good people to, yourself included.

I hope you're ok. Stay strong, talk to people as much as you can - wiki and Samaritans included - and try to focus on moving forward in life

Thank you both so much. I can see you both been through alot too ....

What have we done to deserve this. I never ever thought this would happen to me. I am NOT a bad person - I just feel it.

I feel like I was in the early months after he told me - my appetite has gone again, I don't want to get out of bed in the morning, can't sleep - the same as so many people on here ....

I have some very good friends - I am scared however because all of them are linked to the school, so i can't go round telling people what really is happening for fear it goes up in my face. When my ex was arrested for assault one of them saw the police car leave and jokingly said was I ok and saw I wasn't and guessed .... my next door neighbour is good friends with the head,the head job shares with the teacher, the teacher was a good friend of my childminder (but they have seen she has lied to her now about the situation), the chair of the governors is a good friend of the teacher ....

It is about to go off however ... he will be asked about it from the sol and I will need to advise the school out of courtesy in the event anything happens that may impact the children.

I am going to look up the website you suggest .... thank you again. I will kepp posting and will look out to see if there is any help and support I can now start giving back to people here ....

YOU ARE NOT THE BAD PERSON IN THIS

the teacher.....well she knew when she got into this that she was having an affair with 1. a married man 2. one of he pupils parents. 3. potentially disrupting her career for the sake of whatever!!

None of this is your concern

people who have been subjected to abuse - and do not think for one minute that (from what you have said about police cars and neighbours) everyone does not know or suspect that there is something wrong. I dont mean to make you paranoid so dont worry about them - but reassure yourself that if you took a notion to stand on the village green with a loud haler and say "my husband is an abusive t***er and has knocked me about - he is messing about with Miss Jean Brodie and is trying to make out that I am the lunatic" that
a) anyone would be shocked - they probably know
b) they think you are mad - they all probably want to help
c) The affair will be know as well - especially in a small town/village

So - do not blame or feel that because you know things that therefore you are to blame - you are not.

talk to your friends - they may feel (I know mine did) that they were worried about bringing things up in case they upset me more. they will help you

Her reputation is not your concern - yours is and your pals will have an incling if not some serious concerns by the sounds of things and will really help you! Confide in one you trust.

Her career and your neighbours jobs etc DO NOT MATTER YOU DO, so stop worrying and talk to someone close -
jo xx