It's really happening and I cant believe it

Just joined this site tonight as I'm feeling absolutely dreadful about what feels like my life falling apart around me.

My hubby and I have been together sixteen years, married ten, and have six year old twins. Over the last two years his business has really taken off, and he seems to have gone with it. He has been unhappy in the relationship for ages, we tried counselling, and eventually he tells me he is going to a divorce lawyer. I then find out that he has been visiting prostitutes (our sex life has been dead for a year).

He was plannign on petitioning me for divorce, stating unreasonable behaviour because I put my job before him, but I decided to take control of things a bit and do it myself.

But really, I dont want to do it at all. I think that we are no different from any other couple in mid-life, when it gets a bit boring, and the routine of raising small children brings its demands. But he seems to think there is better out there.

Tonight I ended up begging and pleading and crying. Because I still want to save it. I always believed in marriage for life, whatever. I still do.
Its so hard to think that that is not what it will be like for us.

I feel very alone. Over the last eighteen months as we got more and more unhappy, we saw our friends less and less. I have friends who left loads of messages, and I never rang them back, and now I think Ive lost their friendship. And I feel so ashamed at whats happening. Really ashamed. In my children's year at school, there is only one other woamn who is divorced. ONE!!! I feel like I am some kind of leper, and no=-ne will have anything to do with me.

So I looked on net for support. And ended up here.

Anyone out there?
Does it get better?
Hels

Hi Hels

Yes we are here and can give you emotional, legal and moral support.

Post all your questions on here and someone will answer them.

We have all been where you are now and travelling on the journey of divorce together.

You will go through what we on wiki call the rollercoaster of emotions and we can support you on the ups and the downs.

Feel free to go into the chat rooms, the lobby is the best one to go into first. Let people know that you are new and then you can join in the chat or ask questions, somone will try and help.
Posting a blog can release some of the emotions and help you to see when you make progress.

Have a look at the forums you will find support in reading other people's stories and know you are not alone.

Take care of yourself, eat well and try and get some rest. I can promise you it does get better but it's a bit of a bumpy ride!!

Hellieg - you ahve come to a good place for help. You will find help and support here.

Your story rings true to mine - I am 5 1/2 months on from you and your story.

My husbadn listened to Jeremy Clarkson on the radio one day and decided there was more to life. So he told me anyway ..... I won't go into really what I have found. It is posted here ...

Firstly your feeling are exactly as mine. I felt marriage was ok - you ahve your ups and downs. I felt that it would never happen to me. I woke up every morning and would keep saying I can't believe you are doing this. He was and he still is leaving me. From this site you will see that your reaction is natural - you have nothing to be ashamed of, nothing at all. YOU are not a failure .... it will feel like that , but only becasue you will let yourself feel that way and that is natural. But YOU are NOT a failure and have nothing to be ashamed of.

Secondly - give your friends a call. You need all the help and support you can get. True friends will be there for you whatever. They won't care a joty if they haven't spoken to you for months - they will only care about you and helping you.

Thirdly commit to nothing and do nothing until you have all the data you need to know if this is really going to go ahead or not.

I suggested relate but intuitively knew the man I loved had disconnected from me already.You might be different.

See if you can get him to talk about waht he wants from life - whether there is any sign he might be prepared to chnage anything in his life so that you can change towards him. In our situation the blame was fully at my door - I did not love him enough, i ddi not go to football or music with him anymore and we only had sex 3 x per month and that was when it was initiated by him. I felt I could not give any more and realised that whilst my self esteem was shattered - there was nothing more I coudl do and he wasn't prepared to give back. It was over. But you should see if there is anything ....

If there isn't start to realise it is over and start to find out what he is looking for as part of the split. I got the ext to write it all down. I couldn't take things in if we spoke. In the early few days he was very concerned about me .... only for a few days however until he realised I wasn't going to just say ok to everything.

once I had this information I realised what I thougth was best vs his best was very different. i got my legal advice to see what might be the possible outcome .... his view , mine or something else. This is your next step once you ahve all the data.

You then need to think about telling the children - they will see signs, be honest with them. again there are some good threads here of how people did this.

If there are any signs that he is wants more residency of the children than you feel are in their best interest - come back to the site, check it out and understand your options. I may ahve done things differently had I known what I know now .... 5 1/2 months on we are still in the same house - bound together because of a conflict over residency.

I feel so much for you - the pain is awful.I wish i could say it will go away .... some days it gets less .... but we are survivors here and you will be too.

Keep posting - keep in touch with people, keep talking, get counselling support - it isn't you who has failed ....


xxxx

Hi

I could have written 90% of your post. Similar time together-17yrs together, 12 married. Similar belief in marriage, marriage should be for life. I am sure i remember till death do us part.
My daughter is only 2 so a little younger than yours.

The most similar between your story and mine... the complete devastation and shame. I too begged for a chance to save my marriage i loved him (still do actually)


It's now a few months on for me and the raw pain has lessened. I won't lie to you its still hurts some days. Even now occasionally when he has left from picking up our daughter i call a friend and just cry.
Most days though are ok and some days i realise that life might just be better simply because i dont have to live with someone who is capable of causing this rawness in my life.

As for the shame i realised that it belongs on his shoulders not mine-he walked out on his family, he broke his marriage vows not me.

I am starting to believe that there just might be light at the end of the tunnel. It is certainly easier than it was at the very begining.

One day at a time (or one hour) dont think too much about anything for now. Build your strength up and enjoy your kids and i promise it will get better.

p.s dont forget to eat- you need to look after yourself

Hi Hels

Welcome to Wiki - Is1 has said it all - a really good post!read it again and again - what is said is right.

Of course you are feeling down and can't believe you thought you would be with this man for live, for the long haul. Believe in your ability to come through this rocky patch in the journey of your life and travel onwards towards your own future. You have your children to consider and be at your side. Many women have travelled this path, and dealing with change and loss cultivates inner strength. Your husband has turned into someone differnt from the husband you married, you have to let go of this man - he isn't the man you loved. If he wants to come back and give you a decent chance of a relationship - he won't be giving hints and little signs - he need to do the work - not you begging him - or you will never know his reasons for the return - he may realise what a fool he has been - and maybe he will walk on the road through life with you again, but you must stay strong, look after yourself and your twins, eat and sleep as well as you can. I wish you as much strength as you need in order to deal with this hard situation ahead.

Do not rush and divorce - give yourself time, and look at the options - what is best for you ... if divorce is the best option this focus on that fully to get the best you can for yourself and your children.


Keep posting - stopping begging him!!
Love Carrie x

Thankyou so much for replying.
I cant believe that total strangers want to offer support. Its mind-blowing.

Made me cry again though!!

Thankyou. Dotn knwo what else to say. So exhausted from days of lack of sleep and crying. And on weekdays I have to pull it all together for work. Nightmare

Helsx

Hi Helieg
Not sure I can add more than posters above but I so understand what you are going through. Right now its early days and you are in shock.
I am much further down the line than you. Have been split from ex for 5 years finally divorced and finances sorted. Initially I think you feel you don't believe what your husband is saying. I too begged him to come home. Mine too thought the grass was greener elsewhere and as our relationship was not 'perfect' then it was wrong. You did not post your ages but after 16 years together are you both approaching the dreaded 40?
I approached marriage as you did for life accepting the ups and downs of raising a family. I now see that my ex did not want a life on those terms.
My family are catholic and I am the first to divorce I initially felt guilt and inadequacy as you do. But at the end of the day it is was his choice. You have no need for guilt.
You have a long road ahead. If the two of you can work it out great. If not try to accept he's gone and build a life without him. I know its hard. I tortured myself for 3 years before I finally accepted it was over.
I wish you all the best
Bunty