Hello

I've been lurking and reading for a long while. I've been afraid to write for the following reason: everyone Who writes on here seems to be the innocent party in their marriage breakdown.

In my situation (which I may write about later) I can accept that I have acted badly on occasion, although this breakdown stems from both our behaviors. My wife has lied and hidden things from me, I've found out and taken it badly. I have never been and never would be violent towards her. Arguments and shouting are the norm. I get so frustrated by the situation and her lack of will to talk about how we can either save our marriage or how we can end it in the 'best way' for the kids (if such a thing is possible).

I've reached the end of my tether and plan on leaving soon. I can also accept that what is going on with us is affecting the kids and in particular my relationship with them. I don't want to walk out on them but it seems the only way I can retain my sanity and my job, without which everything turns to crap. I want to support my kids to help them do the thins they want to do - its just that we cannot live together anymore. I have no-one to talk to about this, not at work or at home. Had a few sessions of counselling through work but without answers from her I don't know what I'm dealing with or how to deal with it.

Difficult situation and not one I seem to see on here often.

Money is a real issue - can't afford to rent and continue to pay mortgage. Hence my screen name.

sounds like you both have some responsibility for your marriage problems, although you are not very specific about your role in it. Is your wife aware that you are planning on leaving the family home? If not it needs to be discussed. Sounds like there is a trust issue here if your wife is lying to you.

Could you suggest going to relate or some sort of mediation?
I dont think you would automatically be expected to pay the mortgage on the family home if you dont live there. Does your wife work? You need to get some legal advice about this. For obligations as far as children are concerned look at CSA website to work out your likely minimum maintenance payments, but I'm sure by the sound of it you will do your best for them. You sound like a responsible father with the childrens best interests at heart.

Hi Trapped

If you read my post you will see I was not the innocent party in the marriage breakdown, it has taken me a very very long time to write my post. But I did and I was not judged, for which I thank many people for.
Do everything you can to talk about your problems (that's where my biggest mistake was). Do everything you can to ensure your children are protected from the arguments, my children have suffered seeing their mum and dad argue. Go to mediation or therapy.
Yes money is a real issue, I am now up to my neck in debt like many others in here and that's because everything went via solicitors and it did not need to be like that.

Hope all works out - keep posting, you will get alot of support, and you will not be judged.

Big regrets

Hi welcome to Wikki. Its good that you're honest in admitting you're both at fault, but it doesnt make divorce any easier. You must talk to her, you need relate to help you both decide if you want to save or end the marriage, & figure out whats best for the kids.
Read others posts here, it does help. I wish you the best of luck in resolving things with your wife, it must be difficult for you both right now,
Cindy

Thanks for your quick replies.

This has been going on for two and a half years, thats when all 'contact' was stopped by her. Yes there are trust issues, her hiding things, broken promises etc. I've done things I'm not proud of too. I've suggested relate - nothing doing.

Every time I try talking its like a brick wall. I've threatened to leave many times. She's told me to get out. We do nothing as a family anymore despite her saying she want to try and be a family for the kids. I see very little of the kids on their own as I work quite long hours and weekends are filled with her running around after them. I rarely get told what's going on with them so cannot plan or aim to fit in with their plans. Its like she doesn't want me to spend time with them at all, although this is denied.

All too much to explain like this. Reading posts on here I can see that I'd be the one 'walking out' on her and the kids and the guilt that might bring even though it may be the least worst thing for everyone in the long term.

hi trapped,
welcome to wiki,there is no prerequisit to joining wiki.
Have you treid putting what you want to say to your wife in writing .When you give the letter to her ,make sure that she has some spare time to read it in peace without children around and make yourself scarce for awhile.Give her time for reflection.
Do it in bullet points.
Then arrange for a time and place to discuss same
good luck

Hi Trapped,

Welcome - this site is a great place to share your problems as there are so many kind people here all doing their best to help each other through very difficult times.

When my wife and I have not been able to hold a reasonable conversation together we have resorted to emails which has really helped take the pressure off, and we have been able to say things we never could have done face to face as it would have escalated into just blaming each other.

I agree with bigregrets, you need to communicate with her by any means possible. Perhaps you can try and get her to see that you also having a good loving relationship with your kids is essential to their well-being and their future, and to give you some time to develop it. You both clearly love your kids so even if the relationship with each other has broken down , they can provide a common focus for you both, perhaps the only one while you try and repair your lines of communication.

Best of luck

supers.