New member and situation

After 34 years in a marriage that slowly turned loveless and bad I have finally found a new partner who is American.

I have always been a smoker, I was when we married but after many years of marriage my wife became very anti. For this reason plus the hours I spent on a computer, professionally and not, I eventually became "confined" to my own "office". The last time we moved I was forced into a move I did not want (her EXACT words were "Are you moving WITH us or WITHOUT us?") I chose to stay with her then because of my mother who is 88 years old and suffers from vascular dementia, the rest of the family are red cross members so I thought it was the best thing to do for my mother. My wife is supposed to be my mother's carer, from the little that she does (which I am perfectly capable of doing myself) this seems to be a lot of shouting and making my mother wear headphones to watch TV when the others are home. My new office is slightly larger than a shoebox. The marriage has been loveless for years if not decades. We NEVER touch, we hardly ever talk beyond "What do you want for dinner?" and "It's ready." I sleep in a computer chair in my office. We haven't had a MARRIAGE for years. I am questioned over every unfamiliar number on our phone bill and every unfamiliar name and address on my incoming mail and if I dare to go out she will be on the phone asking "Where ARE you?"

The last house move we made was to a property with a bungalow "granny annexe" in the back, we moved so that my youngest daughter and her husband would not have to find a place of their own, as they should have. When my youngest daughter died (she was a diabetic) three and a half years ago my wife let her husband continue to use the bungalow rent-free. Since the move he has erected sheds and built a fishpond on the property without my consultation or consent. They go EVERYWHERE together, always in HER car using HER petrol. Several times people have been surprised to find that I am her husband, not HIM.

When my other half and ex son-in-law went to Scotland for a holiday (with both their fathers) my new partner flew over from the States to spend a week with me and my mother who also lives with us. It was the happiest week that any of us had spent in years if not decades blighted only by my daughter letting herself in and discovering us.

For the past few months I had planned on telling my wife that I wanted a divorce and moving out into a flat with the new love of my life and my mother. I had hoped to keep my new partner out of the situation by telling my soon-to-be ex to divorce me on the grounds of unreasonable behaviour that I would not contest using the quickie divorce web service. However my daughter is effectively blackmailing me into spilling ALL the beans by Wednesday night or SHE will!

I am still hoping that my wife will use quickie divorce, I am paid hourly, cannot afford solicitors fees and anticipate a sea of bills from the moment I get a flat. The situation is, of course, far more complex but that's the gist of it. Any advice and support would be greatly appreciated.

I am not looking for sympathy over my past situation, much of it was my own fault by letting my wife have her own way too easily. I'm hoping for some encouragement and advice.

Hi Mancho42

Welcome to wiki

MMMMM - your daughter is "blackmailing" you? Do you not think that your wife deserves to know the truth as to why you want a divorce? She will find out eventually, so do you not think it best to be honest with her as to your reasons why? You say that you wish to keep your new partner oput of the situation, I think that she is already involved, to be honest.

Divorce isnt easy, nor is it pain-free for either party, it is a road paved with hellish twists and turns, ask anyone who has been there.

Im not without sympathy, after 34 years, it cant be easy to decide that you wish to end your marraige, and having been in a loveless marriage myself, I understand the feelings of wanting to be wanted, needed and loved.

keep Posting

Ruby

This may be too harsh, and I'm sorry if it is, but as I'm shortly going to divorce my wife for adultery you may spare a thought for the person you deceived?

I don't know you situation other than you have written it, but if you were unhappy then why not divorce first and find a new love life afterwards? It sounds like if your daughter had not come in you would still be where you were?

As I said, it's far more complex than the basic outline. Of course my wife deserves to know the truth, but knowing will only cause HER more pain as well as myself. By forcing me to tell ALL my daughter will only cause more suffering for both of us.

My mother is the main reason I tolerated the situation for so long, she is 88 years old with vascular dementia and the rest of the family rank highly in the red cross, it seemed to be the best place for my mother. However over a long period it has become apparent that now that is not the case. My mother says we don't LIVE here, we just EXIST.

Thank you for your comments.

I'm with norfolfguy on this one I'm afraid. x

Hi Mancho
Welcome. I'm sorry to hear you're in a nightmare situation. Sounds like some damage limitation is needed here.

Ok, so you've not had the guts to tell your wife until now but ask yourself honestly - have you truly put it off because it will cause her more pain to know? There are many people here on wiki who don't get an explanation for a partner leaving. Trust me, it's hard to live with the crushing self-doubt this causes. Sometimes an 'explanation' of sorts can be kinder, please bear that in mind.

How about coming clean before your daughter reveals all? You've proved you have some guts... you shipped your new love over for a week with the risk you could get caught. If my ex had been a little more honest with me I can hand-on-heart say I would have made this process slightly easier. As it was, he couldn't find it in himself to admit to the truth and so I dug my heels in and made things difficult for him financially in the hope that he would give me a tangible excuse for his leaving. He never did, and it cost us both dearly. Him financially and myself emotionally.

If you want advice, I advise you to take hold of this before it takes hold of you. Man up, fella. It might not be as disastrous as you think.

Hi Milly

Thank you for some encouragement, I guess at this stage that's what I need the most and a lot of confidence.