The black hole Syndrome

Hello internet, I do have friends but none of them are divorced or going through divorce. I have of course talk to them but after a while it must get boring. So I thought I would try this site are there seem to be very relived people or very upset people and people who are really unsure. I feel at the moment that I am all of them. My wife has just started the process of divorcing me and to be honest I not really sure why. Its not one thing and I have done anything wrong or bad she decided one day in May this year that she didn’t love me and she was alone in the relationship. This was a complete shock to me and I had know idea any thing was wrong. Things weren’t great but we hardly ever argue and get on really well. We have three children under 10 she works longish hours and I have just stared being self employed which hasn’t helped I suppose. I am completely heart broken, that doesn’t sound too bad when you say it but words can’t express my feelings of despair. She has been seeing some bloke who seems to relish the idea of taking on MY family. She has been lying about that but I don’t have that much proof. She blames me for most of what has gone wrong in the relationship which I suppose if I try hard enough I can believe everything she tells me. But why on earth not tell me when it was happening, Oh I did but you didn’t listen. I don’t know. I am very self critical and I am sure I wouldn’t have missed stuff on this scale. Anyway I now have to believe this is happening and even writing this and receiving a letter from the solicitor I just can’t imagine that this is it. I still love her but she doesn’t love me. I can’t get my head around that either. I do feel a complete fool but I don’t care. So internet is this you ?

Hi Cobweb,

Welcome to wiki,

I understand how you feel, much the same happened to me 10 years ago, with my first marriage. In fact 10yrs Bonfire night. No warning. Just woooooosh out the door and that was it.

It comes as such a shock and it takes a while to come to terms with what exactly has happened.

I had the same as you, no talking, no dicussions. It leaves you in such a whirl. To this day, I still dont fully understand, but, I have moved on, one failed relationship, which to be honest was doomed from the start. Now I have remarried. Very happy. Just waiting for his ex to sort herself out.

The fact that your wife already has someone else, who seems to be relishing the thought of taking on your family must be the hardest bit to accept.

Wiki people are very understanding. You will get plenty of support, both emotionally, and with any legal questions you may have.

it is a dark place to be, and the journey to the end of the tunnel, where the light is meant to be is a rocky ride.
Much like a rollercoaster ride, one minute up and then without any warning soaring right to the bottom again.
When that happens you just have to hold on tight and grit your teeth and wait for it to stop.

That is where wiki is so valuable, just write it all down ere and share your problems.

If you need any legal advice, Divorcelawyer has started a thread at the beginning of the posts on the forum to make is easier for you to post your details, if that is what you wish to do.

We do not get bored here on wiki, but I know what you mean about friends. Although real friends will ride the ride with you, some just yawn and put the milk bottles out!!!
There is nearly always someone on the site 24/7. Chat is a good place to visit to get the feel of how things happen here.

There are many on here that will understand your feelings of despair, and hopefully they will be able to find ways to make things feel a bit better.

Keep posting, and take care
zara

Hallo

Pretty much everyone on here has felt surprised, shocked, dumbfounded, relieved, depressed, angry, confused about their marriages ending.

The trouble is that although both partners have to be in agreement to get married, only one has to decide to end it.

Often this comes as a shock to the other partner and one of the major problems is that one partner is already wanting to move on whilst the other is still mourning.

Hello Cobweb, it really does feel awful I agree and I too can't believe what has happened to me. My husband left me in August without discussing any problems or giving me a chance to do something about the way he was feeling. Like yourself, I still love my husband, but he doesn't love me. Saying it hurts is the biggest understatement in the world.

At the bottom of that black hole is a chink of light and as time goes on that chink of light becomes brighter and you will move closer to it, until one day you realise that you can get out of the darkness and into the bright world again. I cling to this thought, the thought that the pain will ease, my love for him will fade and I will be happy again. Try and cling to that too Cobweb, give yourself time and you will feel better and stronger. I am also self critical and think I should have done everything different and made more effort etc. At the end of the day though, would it have affected the outcome??

Hi Zara,
Thanks for your reply some months ago now. I really wanted to respond but I have had a limited supply of energy. Things are about the same to be honest. I am worn out.Stil comming to terms with things but I am in a better place.I just wanted to say thanks really.

Thanks for the words of wisdom. Life is certainly not what I thought it was.

Thanks

Hi there cobweb,

Glad to hear that you are feeling a bit better. It does take such a long time to come to terms with what has happened. AS you said, exhausting!!

I am sure you still need support and a sympathic ear, so try and come onto wiki there are many on here that are going through the same as you, and can offer you valuable advice.

Are you still living in the MH together? That in itself is a strain!!

Talking with friends, on here, will perhaps give you a bit of strength.

take care and keep posting.

zara