My wife is seeing another man! - I'm distraught!

Hi everyone,

This is my first post & I'm looking for any support in my matter.
I have read posts on this forum and will try and give as best picture as I can.

I am thinking of divorcing because I know my wife is seeing another man. She has been seeing someone before 3 years ago, I found out and I forgave her in the hope she had realised her mistake. Sadly she is doing it again and this time I want to divorce.
At the moment she does not know that I know she is seeing someone, she thinks everything is OK, I just want to prepare the grounds first before I confront her & want to know what I stand on.

I'm looking for help with:
1) How to make my case strong?
2) What proof is the best proof that she is committing adultery i.e. photos (from a detective), her admitting to it, text print out from mobile phone company etc..?
3) With her being in the wrong, is the case a clean cut one?
4) With her being in the wrong how will the financial side of things be affected, house, pension, shares etc...
5) What money would I have to give her?

I'm 40
She is 35
No children.

I have a job & take home £3500 a month, I have shares & pension.
She has a job & takes home £1200 a month. She has no shares & no pension.
We have no real savings (may be £2,000 tops) now or before the marriage.
We both have a car each. I've paid mine off, she still has a loan on hers.
We had nothing of real value which we brought into the marriage.

We have been married for 7 years and cohabiting for 3 years.
We bought a house 1 & a half years ago, the value has gone down by 10%.
We have separate bank accounts.
I pay for 2/3rds of the mortgage, all of the council tax, water, gas, electricity, TV licence & phone.
She pays for the food and 1/3rd of the mortgage.
When we bought the house we took a £10,000 pound loan appended to our mortgage for furniture, carpets, doing up the place etc.... it all still belongs to the bank.

6) My main concern is that I can afford the mortgage & all bills & I want to keep the house.
7) Does the house have to be sold in a divorce case?
8) In this case, what would I come out with? & what would she come out with?
9) If it is a simple case of a "Clear Cut" divorce would doing an online divorce be a good idea or should I go down the traditional root of seeing a solicitor?

Best regards,

WhyMe!

Hi there

I know you are hurting right now, and someone will undoubtedly come and offer you some emotional support shortly.

I am here to offer you some legal support.

Firstly, looking at the divorce, stop right there!!!! You will drive yourself mad, and spend a fortune going down the route of trying to prove adultery. All you have to do is petition for unreasonable behaviour based on her inappropriate relationship with an unnamed man. That is it, done.

Secondly, looking at the financials, you need to post your full financials for someone to give you specifics. However, I can tell you that after a relationship of this length she is looking at at least 50% of the pot, the pot being all assets, regardless of whose name they are currently in - and no, the fact that she has had an affair has no bearing whatsoever on the financial division.

If you can keep emotion out of it and come to an agreement you can save yourself the angst and stress of lengthly and expensive proceedings by going down either the self rep or online route...or you can fight like cat and dog over everything, spend around £50k between you on people like me.....

Amanda

Hi whyme,
welcome to wiki.
I know you are hurting badly but you are still in abetter position than most of us .You do not have children to fight over or to watch hurting.
You do not have to convince anyone that she is having an affair but yourself.If you are sure that you do not want to try and patch up your marriage,no one will blame you if she has done this before,then you confront her with what you have got.Even if she denies it you have made up your mind.Just divorce on unreasonable behaviour.Keep it as amicable as you can .
Come here for support ,you will eventually get over it.
take care

Whyme


I can but reitterate what has been said above, iknow you must be upset but it sounds like you are realistic and are wanting to ready to end it.

Dont forget you need to be sure that you have no doubt to what she is doing you before you confront you obviously know the signs, in the shock of what you are going to propose (ie divorce) she may react and try cojule you.

I think you do need to be sure in your mind and ready to move on, forget the pain your life will be better off withouta spouse who does not cherish fidelity above whatever marital relationship you have.

I too am in a similar postion but have children which is a harder place to be.

I hope that you manage to settle this quickly and amicably

J

Everybody,

Thank you for your support, it is all very much appreciated.

Here is a little more info.
The last time she did this we discussed it & I made my mind up to actually stay (after a few weeks of thought), give her another chance, I said to her that if it happens again then the answer is simple that I don't want to carry on our marriage & I won't even be asking for her to explain the ins-n-outs she'll be just presented with "The Document"... and she knows it'll end.

Amanda, I don't quite understand what you mean about STOP RIGHT THERE?
If I want to divorce then it'll have to go down one route or another i.e. DIY online or self rep.
There is a good chance of us agreeing... I'm not expecting daggers at midnight.

Too bad about the 50-50 split... she hasn't contributed much and goes and takes half... I guess the law sucks here!

OK about finances. In a nut shell 50-50... but what about pension?

If I confront her and she says YES (she did last time because I had proof) that she is having an affair (and I know who it is with as well) then is that evidence enough to go on adultery?
I understand proving it via a detective etc... is going to be expensive.
Another reason for going down the adultery route is that the guy who she is having an affair with will be sent a letter as the "Co-Respondant" he is also married and I feel he should get his just reward for mucking up my life!

Our house is worth less now... if that is sold will she also be burdened with the debt? Like you said 50-50 split on all the goods so I see it that if there is debt to be paid it should also include her & go 50-50?

marriaa
Thank you for the support, no there is no chance in getting it patched up, not this time... she had her chance.
This may sound silly but I have got over it already, it is just a case of formality for me now. I had the shock of this 3 years ago and now I just don't think about the emotional side as I see it very clearly in Black & White what I want to do with the situation.
I am sad that she has done this again but now I'm even more worried that I'm going to loose my home more than anything else, it out ways any worries I have about confronting her and telling it's over... that I can do almost any time.
I want to keep the home, pay her off butI have no idea if the banks will let me keep it.

If the home does go now I will have to pay the loss as we got the house on a 100% mortgage and now the house is worth 10% less.... this is my real worry... not her as such.

J
I'm sorry to hear that you too have a similar problem and worst of all is that you have children involved.
Good luck with your case.

I look forward to some more support.

Regards,

WhyMe!

Whyme

I wasnt saying stop the divorce, I was saying not to think about spending money trying to prove adultery, when you can do unreasonable behaviour.

Amanda

Amanda,

Thanks for clearing that one up, and as you say, no need to spend the extra penny.

WM