new and down

So sorry that you too are in this awful situation. I can't help on the money front, but you may find Citizens Advice Bureau can offer advice.

As for your wife behaving in a different way - I've been with my husband for 31 years, 18 of which married. A looonnng time and I would have said I knew everything there was to know about him. He too decided our marriage was over and found someone else without informing me. I was the one who suggested separation as he was clearly uninterested in me any more and hardly at home. He didn't tell me about the other woman until 2 months' later and until recently he's been chatting to me in the most bizarre way, its like a complete stranger has taken him over.

I began to wonder if I'd imagined the man I was married to!

Thats so the same situation. I don not recognise her anymore, she was always kind and considerate and if the marriage breakdown had ended the way she said it had she would have been alot more sympathetic, but she has obvioulsy moved on and so I have to, easier said than done whilst I have all of the divorce and access stuff hanging over my head, I m going to come out of this worse off in many ways

Mark

Dont despair, just try and stay calm and level headed.
This site will help you through all of this. It will take time, that is for sure. But, you will slowly come to terms with what you have to do to get through it all.

It is painful, lonely and agonsing, everyone on here will tell you that. Things though will get better. You will get stronger, and finally one day, you will be ready emotionally to cope with it in a different way.

I hope you stay with us here, take time to read through some of the other posts. You are not alone, there is usually someone around most of the time. Sometimes in the early hours there is someone lurking. They are the worst hours, so it is quite consolling to know that you can at aleast speak to someone.

Take care and keep posting.

zara

hi mark
i do understand this well
and the enourmous resentment and hurt you feel is overwhelming
i wont patronise you and tell you that it will get
better ive only just realised for myself that it does but
everyone is different

to show you i do understand my story is my second and adored
and stupidly quick husband was thrown out friday 26th sept
for shouting and being unbearable for me and my four children
to live with, thankfully the children are NOT his, he was
making me ill.......i KNEW it was the right decision but
my god the HURT was awful, see i was as in love with him
as i ever was, but i couldnt live with his treatment of us
and in other areas and this is MY POINT everything was
amazing, the 'best ever' he said and even now, i tend to
accept that

yet within TWO HOURS of me throwing him out, his sister
had orchestrated his reunion with the 'ladyee' that
he was with before me, the same 'ladyee' that sent her love
to him via the sister and me the night before our wedding
in march, and the same laydee who he was with and joined a
dating agency *(SLIMEBALL) whilst he was still dating her
and met me, and although i didnt know she existed *because
beleive it orn ot i walked away from a man before him
for not telling me he was with someone, i wouldnt do it to
anyone, not then and certainly not now, he finished with her
by text the day after he met me, *and slept with me
he told me about her a week later, and also told his previous
girlfriend of thirteen years who hed been stringing along
on the phone whilst with number two, that he had met me
i beleived the speel that she was just a friend and dont
have a problem with someone being friends with an ex if genuine

then there was his very FIRST girlfriend who i met whose
been with his brother got a kid by him
and is married to his best friend

(did i fail to mention we live in incestuous lincolnshire,)

so after all of that soul searching that YES he is in
fact a grade a NUMPTY, he leapt into bed with afore mentioned
lassy, and lived with her for six weeks whilst still
threatening suicide, delivering letters, getting HER to
deliver letters with sister to me, asking me to acoompany him
to the anesthetic before an op because he 'couldnt bear to
see HEr face as he went under and what if he never woke up'
(i shud be so darn lucky) and i came face to face with her

i walked away after sending her a text telling her she was
welcome to him, and him telling me although he loved me
he had 'nowhere else to go' but with this other blonde.....
MY HEART BLEEDS

i realised stupid though id been by still loving him
you CANT turn your feelings off just like that
and even if we know in our HEADS that its over and it must
be, it doesnt mean that the heart beleives it

i got over him WITHOUT having to leap into anyone elses arms
it isnt 'me' and ive more self respect, im saving myself
for someone really special, i told him id met a ;real man
i had a short fat dumpy man who had lost his son in an accidet
and who was lovely, wouldnt fancy him in a blue moon
but he was a real man and wouldnt treat anyone like that

it STILL hurt me, KNOWING that HE was with HEr and still
professing love for me (up until two weeks ago when he
finally decided that he DID love her and did hate me and
fifty grand later that we shudnt have got married, funny
that)

anyway, i have moved on, im on antidepressants, im having
counselling too to build myself up, im wearing makeup for
me heels for me, and holding my head high

he knows she knows and i know that they are ALL second best
that the only ones with any dignity at all for keeping
their trousers up are my children and myself,

so for YOU i would say give yourself as much time as is needed
the hurt can be so much stronger than we imagien for a lot
longer, it may take months, but there will come a day or
an afternoon when yourealise 'im not crying every day'

for me i was staying awake all night no sleep crying
all the time i never knew anyone could cry so much
and im thirty six and have been through a lot
(nearly lost my angel to heart surgery last year three times)
so im NO baby, still it hurt for five weeks, the second week
i stopped crying but walked round with this ache in my chest
also felt less of a woman bexcause he wanted HER it was my
pride that hurt, as i imagien is yours, and yes
one thing did pop into my mind, 'if i pull then i know men
still want me' and luckily i only met the short fat nice
man, and i realised if i did that i would be no better than
him and i am worth more than him. id rather go through hell
than give him the satisfaction of degrading me again

you remember, she MAy come crawling back, my husband did
after a week and then again and then again, i took him
back for one night because i loved him so much, but i
couldnt put my children through it, and if it wasnt for them
i dont know if id been able to stay strong

yes you could try again, but would you ever be able to get
past the fact there had been someone else, im not saying
you shouldnt or you musnt, marraiges can and do surivive,
this all happened to me within seven months of marraige
so it was a farce in my eyes, and a huge mistake, and i dont
have the luxuary that 'she' does of being able to conveinently forget
my childrens emotional needs just for the sake of my
groin however much i loved him

my answer to you is its NOT ON just because you werent
together if it had been 'three months' or even 'three weeks'
id have slightly more understanding, but a week, seven days,
two weeks is just wrng in my book for ME and for ME two hours
and his FAMILY orchestrated their seedy romp, just showed
me the low level of intelligence or lack thereby of any
that i was dealing with and so to be honest

im so darn glad he DID sleep with her
cos otherwise id have been tempted

and at least when i do meet a man and ive gone say a year
without anyone he will KNOW im not like that

you hold your head up
and your heart WILL follow eventually
i promise

Hi Mark, i'm so sorry your wife has put you through this. My ex also had an affair hat he covered up with lies for 18 months, he still denies being with her even though i saw them together last week! We are getting divorced for his adultery & its been a painful road for me. I can only say it does get better, you have to stop asking her questions as it forces her to lie more. I did that & it got me so confused! Somehow you have to accept that she has moved on emotionally & accept it.
Keep posting & reading others threads as it helps a lot.
Cindy

Thanks guys;)

Hi Mark,

Don't know if it helps, but my story is remarkably similar to yours and I felt/feel just the way you describe (including how she has changed since I found out what was happeing).

My familly and friends are being great and keep telling me in the end I will be better off, but I just wish that day could come soon. I know deep down that I was being taken for a fool for some years and that is hard to come to terms with when I thought my wife loved me.

Anyway keep looking to the point when things start to pick up again for you. I am doing the same and I know it wil happen one day.