Don't know what to do

Married for 6 years, husband Turkish, now a UK Citizen. 16 years younger than me - the kind of story you read in cheap magazines.

Relationship always been rocky (understatement) - during marriage over the years he went home for 6 months, worked away for 6 months, comes back.

He has an angry temper (he admits this) and has little control over suppressing how he feels. Currently working (6 months) the signs are there his employers are catching onto the dark side. I often wonder if he is bi-polar. I changed that from schizophrenic. He refuses to discuss with doctor. Blames me for his state.

He will explode over tiny things from nowhere, last night it was how I made him a cup of tea (tea is often an issue, if I make him tea - how I make it badly, if I don't make him tea - how selfish I am) - cups slam/smash - shouting - threatening to "knock me up" if I didn't get out of his face. When I said don't you even touch a hair on my head he pulled a handful of hair and said "so what are you going to do"?

I mostly sleep in the spare room, the last reason was when he told me he did not want my 5 year old nephew and 9 year old niece in the house (babysitting for my family) because he was depressed. Weeks later when I felt I could bring it up again he admitted he did not want to shout at them and break their hearts.

He tells me he will go when he is ready, almost on a weekly basis, always when we argue, usually starts over something trivial. He says he will go (a) if he gets a good job away from this area or (b) when the debt is paid off.

The house is in my name (I bought it a year before I met him). Has said he doesn not want anything when he leaves me, so doesn't pay towards the mortgage or house bills, because they are mine anyway. He has given me money on several occasions when I am seriously overdrawn (to help clear the overdraft), his contribution now is to buy food (of course I still buy as well) and cigarettes and to pay off credit card debts.

I am about to start a great job which will be better for me financially and spiritually. I absolutely cannot let him affect my performance at work now.

Divorce is not a taboo word, in fact we have discussed it more than anyone I know without actually doing anything about it.

He has no friends to speak of, only me. I can't throw him out or get the Police, just haven't got it in me, but if he hits me I will.

I know my family put a "face" on for him, he knows it too. He is far from stupid. We don't go out anywhere socially, every night stuck in the house together.

I am fighting my depression re the situation - I feel I am getting stronger than before. I would go if I had somewhere to go to, but I cannot afford to pay twice for living and I will not burden my family.

Not really sure why I am doing this right now, I know I should seek advice again (I did go to a solicitor a few years ago after the one physically violent exchange we had - I attacked first).

Sorry this turned into quite a saga.

Really sorry to hear what you are going through.

CF

Hi Sillye

Welcome to wiki,

I think you need to seek advice as soon as possible. The situation is going to get worse.

His behaviour is typical of a control freak, he blows up when he feels like it, which makes you 'tread on eggshells' to keep the peace. That is totally unacceptable and you should not resign yourself to having to live like that.

I am sure that you will get advice on how to proceed with this. Start keeping a diary, include all of his behaviour.
If you do not do something as soon as possible, it will get harder and harder. Dont feel sorry for him, he is choosing to act like this.
MAke sure that when you start your new job you open a bank account in your own name, if you do not already have one.

He needs to see someone quick concerning his anger, he sounds a very sick minded man, not wanting to break the children's hearts if he shouts and them, total rubbish, he is talking a load of b*****s. So even they have to tread on eggshells to accommodate his bad temper, I dont think so.

Get of this relationship fast.

It is a relatively short marriage so he might not be entitled to much of a settlement. You will get advice on this.

Can you post more financial details. Divorce Lawyer has started a thread on the top of the posts in the forum.
If you complete these details she will be able to give you more of an idea of what to expect from any settlement.

Take care and keep posting, there are many on here that have been through the same as you, their advice will also help you too.

But you need to act fast, get rid of him, and enjoy your new job and the rest of your life.

zara
zara

Hi Zara

Thank you - I know that you are right.
Don't take this the wrong way, but I started to cry when I ready your reply - but don't worry - its a good thing because I haven't done so for such a long time (can't remember). I did not sob. Just a little release! I cried every week before..

I am past my concern re the financial side, it used to worry me a lot. Not any more. However, I will do what you say.
I will keep checking in.
Thank you again

Sillyme

Have you got any family or friends that you can turn to hun.
You cant go through this if you cannot cry with someone.
People on here have cried buckets and continue to.

You need to cry, it helps.

Pop into chat, they are a great bunch and will try and cheer you up. Divorce LAwyer has a leagl surgery Mon - Fri in chat from 6pm to 8pm.

Post your details, and someone will come along and help you to find a path that will help to end all this for you.

If you want to let of steam, do it here. Very often the boards here get steamed up with a good rant. So feel free.
Just take care of yourself, think of what YOU want to do.
He will have to get on with it himself. You are the important one.

take care
zara

Hey Zara
Thanks again.
Don't feel sorry for me, am aware that I can come across as a victim refusing the obvious. Family a bit of a mess too so don't want to add really.
Good job I have a sense of humour.
Kind regards

Hallo

You say you can't report him to the police but you will if he hits you. Well, he's pulled out your hair, that's assault.

Why wait to see if he does something worse? He sounds as though he has serious problems but he isn't doing anything about them. You can't change him, but you can change yourself.

If he hasn't got anywhere to go, that's his problem, not yours. It's your house, and he hasn't contributed anything.

You can't go on like this - and you know you can't or you wouldn't have posted on here.

Good luck, there are people here who can support you - but you need to take action.