How to manage to afford a divorce

hi all,

My wife has spent the last 6 months telling me how unhappy she is. It doesn't really matter what I do. I'm fed up with being treated like dirt, and I hate seeing her unhappy. She just can't seem to find anything positive in our relationship and lets any little thing irritate her. We have a young family (a newborn and a 2 year old) and she still goes on about divorce. She is very controlling, and I am also unhappy - I don't get to do anything without permission, nothing in the house feels like its mine (other than the kids obviously!). She has admitted that part of the problem is probably post-natal depression, but I have the feeling it's going to end in divorce sooner or later.

If we did separate, she would probably want to stay in the house, but she can't work yet as we have a newborn. I don't want the kids to have to go in to nursery either. I am the breadwinner and pay the bills and mortgage, but I can only just do that at present, so there's no way I could afford an additional property for myself to live in, which would allow me to have the kids stay with me. I'd want the kids to stay in the house as it's their home. Their bedrooms which I decorated for them.

i really don't understand why my wife wants to be unhappy all the time, but I can't fix it.

Anyone else found themselves in this situation?

Mensamusic

Hi Mensa. Nobody has gone off with anyone else. So all is not lost. Also you just have had a newborn. This is a tough time for any family. Would you realy want to leave your wife with a newborn baby? Divorce is hell mate. I wont lie to you. Say goodbuy to your kids and your home and everything you have worked for. It maybe that she has PND. You can both get help with that. And this involves both of you. Its not just your wifes problem.

I would try and save your marriage mate. If you cant then at least help yr wife thru this difficult time and in the future leave. But think of what impact this will have. Its not an easy ride. C

On this occasion I'm with Marshy, stick with it, too early to call it quits, help her thru it, it a sadness of the mind and just cos you can't see it, doesn't make it real. It's real. Don't throw the towel in, try to get it sorted and love again on the other side. If you've given it all you've got an she will not seek help or doesn't pass thru it, then take the ultimate sacrifice. I would not recommend cutting off your nose to spite your face, Divorce is heavy and crippling. Always better the devil you know, I know too many cliche. Sorry, hope your wife gets well soon. mark

Hi Mensa,

I think I felt just like your wife many years ago. I have 3 children 28,15 and 13. I was extremely depressed after the 2nd and 3rd ( the ones I had with my s2bx)and for many months found it difficult to even get on a bus or talk to neighbours. His affairs started after 3rd baby.

We never talked about my depression, it was taboo.

Please dont make the same mistake. Has she seen a doctor?
Trust me she will be feeling thorny (thats thorny)
And may snap and bite at your endevours to help her.

But please please try to get thru this stage before giving up. Nobody wants to be unhappy, she must speak to someone. There must be help available in your area.She could speak to us if she wants to save her marriage.

keep going, be kind to each other, debs

Having children changes everything, including your relationship. For a woman, it is a big big change - her mind, body, earning power, everything are affected.

Your hormones run riot, a new baby wants attention evey time you want a break, you are responsible 24/7 for its welbeing. Plus a 2 year old! They are into everything, have discovered the word "no" and have tantrums when they can't have their own way.

You don't earn any money of your own, so you are dependent on your husband and lose a lot of independence.

It's all give, give, give.

My husband didn't understand how depressed I was. I forced myself to go to the GP and got better. But my husband didn't understand how exhausting it is and how without a job you lose your sense of identity.

Please encourage your wife to contact someone - health visitor, GP, local toddler group, another Mum. She needs help.

I would arrange for her to go and see a doctor, if she has not already. At least then you would know whether she is really suffering from the condition or not. Otherwise you would never know and she would complain to the end of your days about how ungrateful, selfish and unloving you were while she was suffering so terribly.

Maybe you need to help her more with the kids/homework but do not expect any gratitude from her, no matter how much you do to help her - the more you do, the more she will expect from you. If you walk out now, you will be completely screwed up for many years to come (financially) but it is the emotional pain of not being permanently with your kids that really kills men. With no money, you will not be able to get another woman easily. If you have lots of dosh, it does not matter that much, you will still have enough for a decent life but it DOES matter if you are average Joe Bloggs and from what you are saying, it sounds as if you are not loaded. And you will miss out on not being with your children and see them grow.

I would just put up with it if I were you and accept that we live in the Western world where women have learned to demand, demand, demand - all the time. And if they do not get it, then they take you to the cleaners, especially in this country which does not have any set divorce law and a man can work his guts out for many years, put up with his wife's complaints about not being around the house much and then lose everything at a stroke.

All women seek control, all the time - at least, judging from my experience. Even if everything works out alright now, there is still no guarantee that she will not divorce you five or 10 years down the line. If you want to play it smart, do not kill yourself with work and spend as much time as you can afford with your family. If that means you do not have that much money, so be it. The less you have, the less she can take away from you. In fact if I were you, I would think seriosly of downgrading my job now, before she has (possibly) started a divorce. Once she has started it, it would be too late as the court will call your bluff. If she wants more money, she can go out to work herself, so try to encourage her to go back to work full-time as soon as you can. I did that and I am happy about it as my soon x2b is in full-time professional job now which means I will be paying a lot less maintenance to her (if any). The smartest men I have met only work part-time or do not work at all while their wives are the bread-winners. I know this guy whose wife is slogging it in the City while he stays at home and looks after their kids - well, just takes them to school and stuff, really, while in the free time he has (loads of it!) he drives around in a stonking new Porshe, Rolex on his wrist and indulges in his hobbies. Of course, the mum, being a real mum, still spends all her free time with the children and does housework but she is happy because she is given the opportunity to feel that she is the BOSS! Smart or what...

vegt----you sound very bitter.
"All women seek control, all the time".
I must disagree with you on that point, and I am sure a lot more women on here will too.

Please Mensa, find out if your wife has PND, she is going to need all the support she can get.