What do I do next???

Hi All

I'm 39 years old with two daughters 14 and 12, been married 16 years (on New Year's Eve), but we've been together for 22 years!

Realised many years ago that I never really loved my OH but was prepared to 'get on with it' and say nothing for the sake of my daughters.

Over the past few years I've distracted my feelings by studying! Recently gaining a HE qualification which I was very proud of! But just as I was finishing the course I found out my OH had become 'involved' with a woman he worked with, 'involved' meaning he was texting her intimate messages, having late night phone calls (when he was on a night shift) told her he 'loved' her, but claims he's not so much as held her hand?? He didn't know how to end the 'relationship' so I put an end to it for him (believe it or not in quite a nice way).

His reasons for it happening in the first place was becasue he felt I neglected him in favour of studying! I can understand this (to some degree) but feel this was unjustified because even though he is a hardworking, honest man, he is not going to be one of lifes achievers! He has no intention of 'putting himself out' (his words) to study or advance his position at work therefore I took the responsibility for this upon my shoulders.

In the weeks that followed I also felt he still did not respect me for my efforts (or for giving him another chance). We went away for 3 weeks in the summer, which we both found very difficult for the first 2 weeks he wouldn't be sociable with our friends, instead prefering to spend time on his own.

It has been like this ever since but on boxing day things came to a head when he couldn't handle to situation any further and physically assaulted me (he has never done this before!)

He left for a couple of nights but is now back at home, but I've told him we no longer have a marriage only a friendship (hopefully)!

Where do I go from here? Financially we're not big earners and I've got nowhere else I can go to (or afford). I don't feel I can continue with this marriage and I accept that what he did was more of a symptom of how things were rather than the cause of how they are???

I don't hate him, but pity him because he's absolutely devasted by what has happend these past few months and I also know he would do anything for me, but I can't change the way I feel and want to get out but don't know how??? I feel my life is in limbo and there's not way out?

Any advice would be appreciated? Sorry to whinge!

I think its clear that you and your husband have grown apart. The whys and wherefores are irrelevant if you feel it is beyond repair.

There is no nice way to break up. It hurts. If you are the instigator you will feel guilty. If you are the other person you will feel betrayed. There will be grief, anger, confusion, resentment, regret, sadness and many other unpleasant emotions.

It is not nice.

I am separated from my husband (married 18 years, but with him for 31). I tried the being friendly bit but it didn't work. I now only speak when I need to but still don't feel ready to start divorce proceedings.

Since we separated 6 months ago - he is living 5 mins drive away with another woman and her younger children - I have gone over it with a counsellor on a weekly basis and have gone from profound grief, through rage to indifference.

It's sad, but I find it much easier to have nothing to do with him if I don't need to. If he assaulted me, that would be it, I wouldn't have anything to do with him.

Good luck with whatever you decide to do, but you can't make an omelette without cracking eggs.

As for the practicalities -

you can try living separately under the same roof, which I wouldn't recommend

or your ex can move out to a smaller place

or you can sell marital home and buy or rent two smaller places.

Legally your husband and you are responsible for providing for your children until they are 18 or have finished full-time education. Providing them with a home would be the priority.

At the moment I live with my teenage sons in a 4-bed property but recognise that I might be trading that for a 2 bed flat at some point. I cannot afford on my paltry salary to live without husband's support for foreseeable future - he has been able to leave because he has moved in with someone who already has a house.

No regrets you are quite right we have grown apart or at least i've grown apart from him! Unfortunately he's having trouble seeing this and is reacting quite badly as Xmas proved!

We really need some time apart but neither of us can go anywhere at the moment due to finances! I really don't want to have to sell Family Home (for my girls sake) but i accept that if I have to then it will have to be done!

I am starting to resent him for putting us in this position but realise I'm also partly to blame so yes I feel extremely guilty too!

Thanks for your support, it's really appreciated!

Jangles

That's what this site is about. I go to a women's counsellor and have also borrowed a lot of self-help books from my library.

After being with my ex so long I'd forgotten who I was and am actually enjoying a journey of self-discovery, but there are painful moments. I'm not weeping and wailing any more though.

You are still in the early stages so be gentle with yourself and try not to give your husband any mixed messages.

Hi Jangles,

Just read your post. I am in the position of your husband. My W studied for 4 years to gain a nursing degree (at my insistance) and has been working for 2 years as a Mental Health nurse. Her new found friends and workplace started to make her desire independence. I didn't help matters by losing a business and drinking. I basically ignored her for well over 6 months. She took solace in her new 'free spirit' life and went out and found another man's ear that was willing to listen.

She left in August, said she couldn't live with me anymore. We got together again in October but she called it quits in Mid December. She says that she cares for me and really really wants to remain best friends, but that's all it will ever be.

I went through allsorts of emotions, hurt, anger, pain, and begged, pleaded etc etc. this worked in the 1st instance hence our 'false recovery'. Now I am missing her and still believe deep down that we can make it work. She however, does not.

What I am resinged to though is ensuring she is happy. If that means that we have to be apart, I would prefer her be happy away from me than unhappy just to keep me company.

We were married 23 years and therefore it's difficult to have any memories that don't include her. That's the hardest part.

We are remaining friends though and still keep in touch, I call to her house for a coffee now and again and we go out together now and again.

IF you truly believe that you need to get away, to remove yourself from the marriage and your H, then you will find a way. Until you do however, please let him know how you are feeling and stay friends, it does make things easier.

Lsot1 you've probably just summed up exactly how OH is feeling! Which is why I feel so guilty! He's been very stupid (which he knows) but we are trying to stay friends and mostly succeeding!

Part of me wants to get away so he realises that there is no hope of this marriage continuing (cruel to be kind??) While I'm here he still believes I'll change my mind!

You sound like you've accepted what's happened to you and your wife and you're in the process of moving on with your life??? I hope I can have the same kind of relationship with OH when we finally split? but it partly depends on how he handles things (he been hitting the drink a bit too hard)

I wish you good luck and thanks again for the support it's really appreciated!