Is anger normal? or am I a freak?

hi I just found this site today. And would welcome some help and advice please.

My second husband left me without warning about six months ago and refuses to reply to texts, phone calls, messages etc. unless of course it might be somethign to do with work in which case he will reply instantly; which says a lot about his priorities. He also refuses to tell anyone about what has happened and beleives that his family won't notice that i am suddenly out of the picture.

i was completely heart broken at first, suicidal and completely desperate- unable to get through the days without drugs and a bit of alcohol. But now i am coldly- most of the time although the tears still come too readily-angry and so bitter at being treated like this. It is like he has put me in a box and written "discard" on it. I am the second wife he has treated like thi: i nursed him through cancer, supported him finacially for yers whilst his own career really took off, althoguh he has never reciprocated in any way except to tell me he loves me.

He cannot cope at all with emotional issues and has never been able to in the ten years we have been together, although for a very long time he was absoltley obsessed with me and we were very much in love for a very long time. But all the time I was so frustrated- like I was on one side of a wall of glass shouting.

But the immediacy of the hurt has gone away althoguh i still cry most days; and tunred so that now I am so angry and I feel that I want revenge!!!! This is very unliek me and I really don't want to do anything to hurt him or damage him, and nothing that I might regret. I have my own position and self respect to think of after all. And we both have children althogh not with each other. And I am neither psychotic or mad, believe me.

Is this a really damaging emotion ? has anyone else thougth like this? is it normal for the hurt to turn into anger or am I a genuinely horrid person that this man has turned me into by his cold ness.

p

Very very normal and very common. Some women do take revenge - can't remember who, but one wife of a rich chap cut the sleeve off every one of his designer suits and scratched his posh car.

My ex didn't tell me he was having an affair for ages, although we had already decided to part. When he did confess he said he hadn't told me because he thought I would "go berserk" and throw his things into the street. I replied that I wanted to keep my dignity and wouldn't give the neighbours the satisfaction!

I did feel angry for a while. I fantasised about turning up on his doorstep, or at his office, or sending emails etc. I also wrote a vitriolic letter which I then deleted.

I'm over that now. Anger can be useful as it provides energy - I used mine to pack ex's stuff into boxes and rearrange the furniture and clean the kitchen.

I'm not surprised you are angry - I felt like my ex had just jumped from 31 years with me, in which I'd supported him through the deaths of both his parents, his low-grade cancer, and him being made redundant 3 times, all of which he took for granted = and when we were having problems his solution was to leap into bed with someone else. It seemed so unfair. But I have now regained my self-esteem and realise its his loss, the poor sap. He's now trying to be young and trendy with a younger partner and her two children. He couldn't cope with our teenagers, so I don't know how he will manage when hers get older, he's having problems with the boy already!

Hi pippa

Anger, this is an emotion we feel, it helps to deaden pain, anger used by weightlifters to help deaden their pain.

Eventually though, the anger will subside and then the pain has to be dealt with. But... you are perfectly normal, it would be quite strange if you were not angry at the way you have been treated.

Try as hard as you can to turn this anger into a more positive energy, an energy that helps you cope with all this.

Revenge... again this is talked about alot on wiki, and a perfectly normal feeling, you are not alone with feeling this at all. But... revenge, the best revenge, to get on with your life, hold your head up and do something for yourself. That really is the best revenge. You would probably feel great at the time the revenge was taking place, but after that, probably would not feel very pleased with yourself.

I always say, write a letter, write the nastiest things you can think of make it good. You then put this into an envelope and put it in a drawer. After a while go back and read it, and, then burn it. It really works. If you are not a revengeful person then this will be a lot easier to do.

Keep posting try and keep strong, there are many on here that have been through the same, and lots that still are. You are not alone. If you feel down, come online and write it down here.

take care
zara

if i had a penny for each horrendous vengeful thought i had had over the last - nearly - six months, i would be a very rich woman. and all the web sites for getting through this stuff say vengeful thoughts natural part of the process, but NOT to act on them - well apart from the prawns in their trouser hems or little things like that, the more severe chainsaw scenarios are apparently illegal to put into practie !!! i have mainly written things down and then burnt them, stamped around in the garden, beaten pillow etc. it is horrible i hate feel angry and vengeful, especially as i have always been a pro peace campaigner !! shows you how easily wars start and how hard to stop though. hug to you it is blinkin painful but i think you are normal - hope so otherwise thats me barking as well xx rhi

Pippa,

It's a natural cycle following grief or loss. Google Kubler Ross. There are stages that we all go through. We sometimes get stuck in one particular stage but ALL must be worked through before true healing has been carried out.

Anger is the 2nd stage after denial. Leet your anger come through, don't fight it, don't act on it, just FEEL it. That way you will have dealt with that stage and can move onto the next one.

Take Care

I totally understand how you feel. After 32 years of running around doing everything for my husband he also jumped into bed with the 'younger model'with no hesitation when he felt our marraige was going wrong, without discussing his feelings with me!

I've been through the grief but I've found anger a very hard emotion to achieve.I wish I had it sometimes because you can use it to get things done. I'm not a naturally angry person. I only find it when I meet him and to that end it gets in the way because we can't talk about practical issues.

After nearly 3 months i'm now having more good than bad days. When I find myself getting down thinking about what I've lost I just remind myself what he's done to me and the awful things he's said and I realise that the man I thought I was married to doesn't exist and has been replaced by this creature that I wouldn't choose to be with.

I can list so many things that I don't miss about living with him. In lots of ways my life is so much better even though I thought I was completly happy when we were together.I do lots of things I haven't had time to do in years. Revenge? What does that achieve? I hope he'll be really gutted to see that I can survive without him and that I'm having a good time and look good because by acieving all of that will mean I'm comfortable with myself and hopefully find someone to be happy with.

I wish you good luck. Don't feel bad about the anger...use it!
Take Care, look after yourself, you deserve hapiness.x

Now I’m Angry!
Anger is good. It’s like a powerful fire that burns within you and it needs to burn out before you can truly let go of the relationship.

Actually this anger, when fully examined, is generally more about how angry we are with ourselves for putting up with ‘whatever’ than we are with the other person. After all no one can make you do or feel anything.

Develop some safe and assertive ways to express your anger, punchpillows, take up kickboxing, but do express it. As you express it, take time to think about what’s most important to you and what you will not compromise on in your next relationship.

XXX Fleur XXX