Seperation

Husband announced was leaving me at beginning of November and although emotionall there have been emotionally high and lows I seem to have hit a low now and can't pick myself up.

Have been trying to sort out the finances and can't think straight to get things sorted. I am staying in the family home with my two sons for now so have moved all payments over into my account and applied for working tax, child tax and council tax benefits.

My husband is trying to be amicable or so he says although he does still make digs whenever he comes to collect our children/bring them back re: me poisoning their minds against him, weaning themoff him etc, which i am not doing, I would not do that to them.

Would like any advice re: staying in the home, do i have to buy him out if he is willing to wait for equatity, is it wise to have something in writing? Mortgage in joint names.

Also have a Life Plan in both names do i need to swap this to two seperate plans?

Also husband wants 50/50 care of our children which i am really struggling with do i have to give him this much, children are 4 and 1 and don't know if they are coming or going, husband at his mums who doesn't want children there at weekends, so children are staying with him at brothers friends wherever he can sleep with them until gets own place. Wants me to vacate house so he can have them overnight in our house but i have said no to this as children are getting used to not having him in house.

Really struggling to do anything as still heartbroken and want him back (even after the way hes treated me lately), he is adamant it is over for good.

Any advice would be welcome

Thankyou

CatLiz

Hello I'm new here too although long been divorced. Its never an easy time I know but things for both of you to bear in mind:

1) Always do whats best for the children
2) Try Try to stay amicable as much as you can
3) Do get legal advice on your choices but also don't let them run away with your case, all your doing is lining their pockets.

Personally speaking as a man that left his wife also I believe that right now it would be wrong to take the kids out of the environment that they are most used to, you should be open to giving him access though.

Be strong for the children who undoubtedly love you both equally.

TMD

PS I'm off to write my Intro now

HI cartliz, sorry for the situation you are in.
You are obviously feeling hurt and want to start to protect yourself and obviously your children, But have to say, they are children from both of you. You have not mentioned any reasons why, but if he is able too, why is there a problem him having them 50% of the time? if you are named on the child benefit forms, you will get CM. He will look at getting a place eventually for him and the kids and that will be his right and yours ultimately. It is distressing for the kids and it is not easy to make life 'normal' for them. They just need to know that you both love them , you will both see them and bring them up as best you can.
As regards your hubby coming back to the home to look after the kids and you stay at your mums or a friends, to be honest this is an arrangment which is used. I did it myself. It is not easy for either person. You will feel some of the upset he would have felt when he left, or some very stressful and emotional feeling for sure.
But it may be the only arrangement that is possible in the short term.
His comments to you about the kids to be honest are natural reactions, and those that most people will go through, so dont take them literally etc, just be sure of what you know is so, if your not your not, you wont convince him.

As far as the finances concerned, well done you for sorting up to now what you have, I wish my stbx would be so communicative and actually do something. But slow down, one step at a time.

As regards buying him out etc, make the best desicions you can based on what your needs are and how you will facilitate them.

Hallo and welcome to the site.

Firstly, the overriding consideration is your children and providing them with a stable home. They are too young to decide what they want really and at the moment neither you nor your husband are settled, but once you both are, child arrangements should be easier all round and you will get into a routine that suits - with a bit of give and take.

As for the emotional side - if you've lived with and loved someone its hard to just stop. It takes time to adjust. I have found that it was really difficult for me to chat with my ex as though we were old friends because I didn't feel particularly friendly towards him. But I am civil for the sake of our children and I imagine that one day we may be more friendly again, as we do have a 31-year shared history. But I can also see that once the children are adult (they are nearly 17 and 14, so not long now) I may well lose touch with him completely.

I did grieve and miss him, then I was angry. Now I feel indifferent.

I work two days a week,I work his days off which are on a rota so are different every week. So he comes at 7 and has the children these days till around 7/8 i usually stay at mums so he can put to bed.

He has another morning in week where he comes at 8 takes oldest to school and has youngest till 12.

Then at the minute he is having overnight when he can at weekend but i am trying to arrange overnight for every other weekend.

Do you think this is fair, too much too little?

I know he is there father and they deserve time with him and I have no other reasons, just hurt pride I guess and hate being without them, never had children to share them seperatley and finding it really hard.

Also I ave heard that the more overnights your partner has the less money you receive from CSA - is this true as altho i am not a money grabber I will need as much maintenance as I can get:(

I too missed my daughter terribly when she went to sleep at her dads, it does get easier and it is really important that the children see their father as much as they see you. My ex's relationship has improved lots since we moved out, he values his time with her more. We moved out of the FH and she struggled sleeping back at dads to start with but then he had her for 2 nights together and that made her more settled. I promise it gets easier, it gives me chance to get to work earlier or stay late, do shopping later and hoover after bedtime, even go to the pub. Just make sure you have plenty to do in the time you have not got them. Best of luck and it does get easier i promise. Liz xx

Hi catliz, sounds like a complicated arrangement, but if it works for now, its best for the kids if they see you both, it is their lives too.
Yes the CSA calc does take into consideration how many nights are shared. Have you worked this out?
Basically who ever is named on child benefit receives CM. There are 3 different categories to work out the payment, depending on his pay. The reduced rate is a little hard to follow, but basically if he, or you earn between 100 and 200 a week, pay 5 for the first 100 then how ever much is earned over 100 and under 200 there is a percentage of this taken into account. You then work out how many nights a year the kids are with the NRP. There are I think 3 bands, the most common is 52-104 nights a year and basically you take 1/7th off for each night a week they are not with you, this is around £10 for an average earner. That equates to having kids every other weekend, its one night a week if you like.

That is if you are going to the CSA? you can make an arrangement yourselves you know, which would be better although you can use the csa as a guide. Have a look on the net for examples of parents using the csa and those not, there is more harmony if there are fewer problems with those that dont.
The csa is a bit like a dog who takes off the hand of someone offering the dog a treat, if you see the simile. It can add to the resentment of the person paying. You will need help in the future with other expenses with the kids such as school trips, holidays things kids want like phones, wii consoles etc, the examples on the net tend to suggest that parents who work things out between them tend to be more successful at ensuring the kids get what they need, those that use the csa, what you get, thats is.

hope this helps.