my story

WE were married for 21 years, together 24. We've now been seperated for about 16 mths now. Both myself and husband are in new relationships. Mine is almost a year and his is 3 mths. We talked about getting back together a few times throughout the last year, but always ends in an argument.

I noticed about 4 mths ago it stopped coming up and he stopped any extra contact with me. Guess he reached his point of no return. Only contacts me when it is about the kids now, and only if he initiated it first. He rarely will answer an email from me first, even though its only about the kids.

A couple mths ago he decided that our signed settlement agreement from about 10 mths ago is no longer fair and wants it all reopened if I don't agree to give more child support. He figures what he signed, he signed under 'duress' and wants things redistributed.

I made the mistake of meeting with him a few days before X-Mas to discuss things and we ended up sleeping together and saying we still loved each other. But he said that he could never be with me again (since I'm in a serious relationship for a while now) and that he isn't giving up his girlfriend because he really likes her.

We havent talked since, but he sent me an email the other day asking for us to meet next week to talk about the agreement before it goes to court. Our last conversation ended with me saying I'd see what I could do about giving a bit more money. But in all fairness, I give my share already, I don't deny my kids anything extra and I can't afford more to give.

Part of me misses the 'what ifs, what should of beens', so I dont want to meet him because I do not want it turning into a booty call and getting used. I admit I do still have feelings for my husband, but I know that I'm much better off in so many ways with my new boyfriend who I love and treats me so incredibley kind.

My main reason for leaving my husband was his lack of respect for me and he just keeps proving it over and over again. I do have to accept part of the blame though. He doesn't get away with anything unless I allow him to. And I'm done with that, that is why we are still apart.

I wish he would just file for divorce like he said he would months ago, but apparently is waiting to redo the settlement agreement before he does. Then maybe when I see it in black and white my heart will move forward a little faster as well.

Hi adarim. I wonder what your partner would say if he knew that you had a "booty call" with your ex? I know these sorts of things happen but I think you are not over yr ex. And you entering into another relationship could spell disaster for the innocent party. Your partner. This is exactly why I dont have anything to do with married women.

But 24 years is a very long time to be together. You are not going to be able to wipe this out by being in the arms of another. But perhaps you have worked out that yr ex is just using you. And perhaps had sex with you to ensure that the settlement went in his favour. Some people will do anything to get what they want. And you have to be wary of this. Have you told yr partner about this "booty call"? You said you left yr husband for lack of respect but what respect do you have for yr partner to do this to him? You are in fact just doing the exact same thing that your ex has done to you; to yr partner.

I am sorry that these words are not what you want to hear and I dont like saying them. The truth hurts though. Sorry. C.

PS: Some of the things you have done I have also. But I just wanted to point out what I think is wrong. I have learned from my mistakes. Most of them anyway. I just wanted to point it out to you and also that no person is perfect. Least of all me so sorry for being hard on you. Best ones, C.

Dont be sorry. Your absolutely right what you said to me. What I did was inexcusable and my new partner would never forgive me.

I felt totally disconnected when it happened, like I was to two different people. My husbands wife at the time it happened. And a HUGE cheating tramp afterwards.

I thought I was over my ex. I don't know if I slept with him out of 'history' or because I do still have feelings.

I know when I'm with my boyfriend it's where I want to be. When he's away I get lonely for my old life I guess. I dont know how to cut the umbilicord to my past when it comes to my feelings for my ex. We rarely see or talk to each other so it's not like this would happen again.

I don't know why he slept with me though, but to get me see things his way definately isn't the reason. Especially since I thought he had moved on.

Adarim,

You can't just wipe out 24 years of a relationship. It doesn't work like that. However, you can't carry on doing what you did either. I have to totally agree with Marshy, it was wrong.

Can you honestly expect your new partner to respect you more than your H did if you do this?. Also, it seems to me like your H has NOT learnt how to respect you either. If he had, he would NOT have put you in a position like that.

I would suggest that you learn from this, stay AWAY from your H unless you both are unattached and its an honest move towards reconciliation. Otherwise there will be more hurt and heartbreak, but this time you will include 2 new people into the mix and NONE of it will have been their fault.

I agree with what you say as well....we need to stay away from each other. Like I said though, we rarely see or speak to one another.

I guess I'm just trying to understand from both mine and my ex's prespective why we slept together when we are both in new relationships and don't want to reconcile with each other any longer? Why would we jeprodize loosing our new partners like that. Not that we would tell, but still, WE know what we did even if they never find out.

Maybe it was some sort of closure for us?? Like it confirmed we really don't want to reconcile. I don't know???

Hi Adarim

I think there will always be the what ifs and doubts but as the others have said you need to be sure that you are not putting your new relationship in trouble already by going back to H/EX.

You can decide what you want and go through with it before you all get hurt, if your husband doesnt want to petition for divorce, and you want to end the marriage, then you can.

Sounds like a scary game at the moment. You dont want to base your new relationship on lies and disrespect by not being sure about where you stand with H.

So maybe you need to think hard about what you want, its not easy but it has to happen sooner rather than later as it maybe too late.

You take care of yourself and good luck with it all

M x

Hi adarim. Thanks for going easy on me lol. I hate slagging people off as its not always helpful. I did re write and tone it down a bit as I say I want to be helpful. Glad you found it useful.

Final shag huh? Relationships are on all kinds of levels. There is the going shopping level. The sitting next to each other on the setee playing foot fun level and of course the sexual level. The last one rarely gets touched by divorce and so on. So that sexual attraction that you built up is still there. Its a special bond that exists between you. Now at certain times when you perhaps have made an agreement and you dont feel like castrating him and you think that perhaps its gona be ok that spark that still exists come to the for. And it dont take much to step over that line. But as you have said and so have others its no good realy. But at the end of the day its yr life and you have made a mistake. So the real crime is not to learn from it.

That ok Milly1? lol. C