my story

Hallo Adarim

You don't have to live with your husband any more or indeed your new bf, but you do have to live with yourself. Show yourself some respect and you will do the right thing.

My ex (together 31 years) just moved straight from my bed to someone else's with scarcely a backward glance.

We've been separated for 7 months now and quite honestly the last thing I am contemplating is finding another man. I am having a lot of fun discovering me! But I have spent the last 6 months or so working through all my feelings, seeing a counsellor, reading self-help books etc.

I did find it hard to let go - even though I wanted a separation I found myself bizarrely hoping ex's new relationship would work and that he hadn't just rushed into it. Wierd or what? Now I couldn't care less about him.

If you have children together its impossible to completely sever ties and you will always have a lot of shared history.

I think you need space and time to decide what you want. Once I knew my ex had another woman I would never let him touch me again. I value myself more.

i'm just wondering when we both know it would never work between us again and were both with new people we want to be with, why the deattachment seems hard to make. It like something always makes us keep some sort of contact, even if its fighting. Why we don't say that the other person isn't worth the fight anymore and move on. I mean we put more effort into fighting then we did/do reconciling.

Relationships need closure. Your closure has not been dealt with; and it sounds like there is still emotional attachment (however dysfunctional!)

It appears that both of your respective new partners seem to be buffering the pain.

Sometimes people don't want to give closure, (like my ex). That's because they want to leave the door open, for when they might fancy to return. (This usually happens when they realise that running away from the marriage did not address the issues; and they find themselves in the same rut as before; albeit with another partner).

It may be many years before you realise it is really over. You may never resolve the issues; you might just give in to lethargy, and it just disolves naturally. (A flower that is not watered will not grow).

You sound a litle bit like you are hoping he slept with you because secretly he is not over you.
Believe me hun, He did it because you let him.
He respected you so little that he proably didn't even consider you might say 'No thanks - That's over'

So if part of me is/was secretly hoping he wasn't over me and thats why he slept with me.....then what is his reason other then I let him.

I mean, he has a girlfriend and he's supposedly 'moved on'....so the fact that I "let him" doesn't seem like the answer. He was/is not the kind of guy to just sleep around.

He says he still loves me, but could never get back with me because of trust issues (long story). So if you can't get back with me, why jeprodize your relationship with your new girlfriend by having slept with me?

Maybe he just doesn't want to admit that he wants to try and reconcile with me? Don't actions speak louder then words?

adarim wrote:

My main reason for leaving my husband was his lack of respect for me and he just keeps proving it over and over again.

It appears that you have your answer in your first post! He keeps using you this way, because YOU keep letting him!

Bottom line: He's with someone else and cheating on her (with you). He has no respect for his current partner, just as he'd had no respect for you during your marriage.

It is up to YOU to decide the 'respect' factor. How odd that he's now back being affectionate because he wants the signed financial agreement adjusted... or is it because having realised the reality of the divorce (and its' blow to his wallet) that he is having second thoughts? Sorry to sound so cynical, but I know if I stood on the street corner offering sex; there'd be a queue of men, none with any feeling for me.

Your ex is getting Double-Buuble because you're allowing this to continue.

My ex initiated sex on several occassions during our seperation. At one point he approached me waving his willy around and tugging at it saying "You must be gagging for it - you haven't had it for six weeks"

(I replied that if I was 'gagging for it' - his would be the last door I'd knock on because we're getting a divorce)

I think you're both addicted to the dysfunction you both knew for so long. I think he mistreats you because you allow this to happen, and in turn - you are now cheating on your new partner whom you describe as 'serious'.

People playing Games. People wrecking lives. I meet them all the time.

You and ex should attend counselling together; (Relate perhaps) sort out your issues; either to stay together - or to part.

But put closure to this, and if you can't shag your ex-husband without feeling emotionally attached afterwards, then just say "No thanks".

Sera wrote:

It is up to YOU to decide the 'respect' factor. How odd that he's now back being affectionate because he wants the signed financial agreement adjusted... or is it because having realised the reality of the divorce (and its' blow to his wallet) that he is having second thoughts? Sorry to sound so cynical,

Agreed. Money sounds like the motive. At the end of the day people will just do what they want. Sod what you feel.


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but I know if I stood on the street corner offering sex; there'd be a queue of men, none with any feeling for me.

This statement is so totaly absolutly anti men its untrue. You are effectivly saying that men are dogs and will shag anyone and anything. There is so much misconception about men being animals. We are not. We are flesh and blood just like you with feelings of respect for others. And this sort of attitude is so very wrong at a base level. I am surprised at you Sera for saying such a thing. I hope what you are trying to say is that people will take something and not care for the consequences. But to use men as a point in yr argument is scandolous and taints all men with the same brush and encourages the myth that all men are evil and women are angels. How wrong this attitude is. C