Introducing Myself

Am new to this. Split with my husband of 10 years last summer. Started with a bit of a 'not sure how I feel' conversation out of the blue this time last year. Suggested counselling, personally worked on it a bit and tried really hard till April, when we went away for my birthday and I paid for a flash trip to Brussels. He then decided he wanted some space, swore there was noone else. He arranged a trip to Relate - mine was on our wedding anniversary nice timing:(

Then kept coming back at weekends acting fairly normal but told me he was staying at parents (his Mum is terminally ill and so I thought a lot of it was emotionally tied in to that and so was offering sympathy!) Then disappeared for two weeks and when he came back told me he'd been away with someone we both knew he used to work with and her family. A week later tells me that 'something happened on holiday'. Couple of weeks later discovered he'd had a separate email account set up with just her in it on live chat and email at work. Reckon when I pieced it together it had been going on since about Christmas last year.

Only told me officially when I challenged where his ring was in early September. Haven't really spoken since.

I told him then that I didn't want to speak to him till New Year as been in depths emotionally and didn't feel I could deal with any more lies etc. However, then got told I was in redundancy consultation and lost my job week before Christmas. My best friend rang him to tell him as he thought he should know and he announced that the girlfiend is already pregnant and they were announcing that week, so even more confirmation that it was going on for longer than he'd said.

So,the big issue is - I'm in the house, he's still paying into joint account but I now have no work/income (apart from some PILON and redundancy) and I'd said I would get back to him about sorting out money. He has very wealthy family and good job. We have no kids - which was one of the reasons he said he wanted to go so he's got his wish there. There's stuff in my name, shares etc, but I have no evidence as he/his family has it. Mortgage/house is in joint names and still a lot of equity, when I was working, my plan was that I could have managed mortgage on my own, but not to pay him out the equity.

Live between Leeds/Manchester so any advice on good lawyer that can offer free initial advice or fixed fee etc.

What do I do next???

Spookily similar to my story I'm afraid - but I foud out in June and acted a while ago and get a Nisi next week. I can't help with a solicitor but you can sue for divorce on the grounds of adultery, which will give you a divorce reasonable quickly if that is what you want.

I'd suggest you find a solicitor and see about the finances soon as possible as your time limits are running you - I believe you have to sue within 6 minths of knowing about the adultery - so if you found out in September you are cutting it fine then it would have to be Unreasonable Behaviour which is harder and more unpleasant to prove, or wait till 2 years of living apart.

Good luck x

Thanks very much NewAttitude, with everything else going on I did a bit of an ostrich as I was sinking fast emotionally. Thanks for this - I will ry and find someone quick. I was looking on another bit of the site, and I'm not sure what advantage it gives me doing him for adultery over the rest - just quicker/less hassle or does it financially mean anything or give me any more rights?

I think having a kid with someone else will more than qualify to get you a divorce - dont worry about the grounds, many will tell you it doesnt matter and that is so true.

You do need to get some legal advice pronto as if hes expecting a new child its unlikely the NP or he will want to pay your bills too much longer and you dont want to wait for things to happen. Who ever you go with make sure they are a family law specialist and if they also do collaborative law that will help as this can save alot of money and avoid court too much.

I do feel for you this must be awful, the lack of honesty is often what hurts so much but hopefully he didnt tell you cos he felt so guilty and with a bit of luck he will operate with decency.

Cheers - I hope so. I wish I'd realised the time issue thing but you're right that's what's currently keeping me awake at night as up till now he's just carried on paying, but expect another mouth to feed will mean he's got to take some responsibility and she'll be nagging him to sort things out too, though I don't know if she's divorced yet either (I just know she left her husband early last year - another of the reasons for me thinking it had been going on longer).

I'll make some phone calls tomorrow and get some advice pronto and appreciate collabrative point, though in honesty I hope to never clap eyes on him again. as you say it's that more than the affair that's killed me - I'd asked from day one if that's what it was about and spent all summer feeling sorry for the liar!

I am sorry to hear you are going through such a difficult time at the moment.
Sadly I don't think that most people who cheat think anything of denying their affair and telling lies. My ex too denied his affair - he then left without bothering to tell me that he had moved out.
I found out about his affair a few weeks after. I have had no contact from him or explanation about anything since.

With regards to finding legal help: there are other parts to the forum where you can post specific questions and also there is a legal surgery on week nights in the chat room.

Good luck.

It's wierd everyone kept telling me that was what was going on but the one thing I thought was that I trusted him and that I would know if he was lying. In some ways, I often wish he had just walked out, but all the crap coming back and forth and me putting all that effort in and knowing on reflection it was awaste of time ... it has nearly destroyed me, but everyone tells me I'm strong, so you just have to try and convince yourself don't you.

I've already had some advice, just in going online so will def keep on the forum. I'll get some legal advice quick and try and sort the mess out.