What did it all mean?

My husband of less than two years (together for nearly 6) has left me. He says he doesn't love me, he's been unhappy for a long time, and he won't go to counselling. We've been living apart during the week for the last four months as we work in different cities, and I believe that this put a strain on our relationship, but he believes that this had nothing to do with it. (Our 'home' is a rented house near his work, and weekdays I was staying with his parents. It was supposed to be short term - just for one year - and then we would be back living together properly.) After we started living apart during the week he had an (emotional) affair with a colleague. He said he'd ended it, but before Christmas I went away for a week anyway to give us both time to think, and because frankly I was a mess, not eating or sleeping from the stress and strain of it all. During that time he decided that he didn't want me to move back home. He just wants me out of his life.

I've had to find myself a room to rent as I can't stay with his parents anymore. He hasn't even asked for my address. I'm really struggling to come to terms with this. I've also found out that he's now seeing another woman. They started to date over the Christmas period when I was wracking my brains trying to work out how to persuade him to work at our problems.

I just don't understand how he could walk out on our marriage less than two years after the wedding, claiming that things have been bad for ages. I thought we were blissfully happy until a few months ago. What was the point of going through a solemn wedding ceremony if he can just walk away from it because he thinks he's not happy? He won't even try to make things better, he just prefers to start a new relationship with someone else. I don't recognise this man.

I'm so torn between knowing that he wouldn't be doing this if he were a decent man, and desperately wanting my husband and my life back. I'm living in a rented room, spending my weekends crying on the shoulders of friends and family, and he's in our home surrounded by all of our things and somehow he doesn't feel guilty about seeing another woman. I don't feel ready to see a solicitor myself, but I'm terrified that he will start divorce proceedings. I can't believe he's doing this and that he really feels nothing for me and doesn't want the life we planned together.

Hi Allgone, first of all a big ((((hug)))) to you.

Your situation is quite similar to my own... Im 7 months down the line and still have all the range of emotions as I had when he left but feel somewhat less as the months go by.

I was (well I still am) married for 2 half years and in total we were together for 8 years. It was my husband who decided on the wedding date, we had been engaged since 2001. He left me as he had met someone else (he denied) stating that it was over I knew it he knew it no further discussion required???? He has subsequently told me that its becuase we have nothing in common ??? we had pleanty in common and I think you would realise that after living together for 5 years before marriage. He just completely changed, his outlook everything. There is no logic no reason he just changed. He stated it was some six months previous when he too had an "emotional" affair with a work collegue, someone 18 years his junior but in a very good position, she flirted round him, obviously they had their occupation in common and eventually he fell for her. He was never the kind of guy who would go out looking but when offered on a plate day in day out I suppose the inevitable is going to happen. So this too added to his reasons, he says he realised he should not be feeling this way about another woman if he still was in love with me. He loved me but was not in love with me.

You can go over and over the what ifs and keep looking at ways to change events but thats the problem the past cannot be changed. I can tell you this but I am yet to fully grasp it myself.

I cannot offer you any advice hun as Im still trying to figure my own now sad lonely life. However, I am beging to question whether it is him I still love or what I have lost in terms of how my life was ????

I have found comming here to wiki a great help, there are lovely people here who can give you lots of support, guidance should you ask and above all understanding of the situation you are in.

take care
xx

Hi allgone,

I am busy at the moment, I will respond later.

Hang in there, it's a great place you have come to.

Take Care

wasoangel,
Thank you for your kind words. I'm so very sorry that you are going through something similar. It's a bit strange joining a forum like this, as inevitably you take comfort from the fact that people are in similar positions to you, even though you wouldn't wish it on your worst enemy.

What you said about your husband using the affair as a reason for ending the marriage sounded very familiar. I've been adamant that with some changes to his (and my) behaviour we can be happy again, but my husband just says that the fact that he wants to spend time with another woman instead of me means that the relationship is dead. There's no reasoning with him.

I never thought it would be possible for him to hurt me like this. It's like no other pain on earth, isn't it?

Hi Allgone

Unfortunately some people seem to have the ability to just flick a switch in their head and walk away from a marriage. My stbx did this after over 20 years together and 18 years of marriage.

You can call it a mid life crisis but it unfortunately happens all too often. In my stbxs case I have given up tryin to understand as sometimes I get lies, and other times she is nice as pie.

What I can say is that when you are the one left behind it is very hard to deal with. Especially if you think the stbx is happy in their new life and you are struggling. I have found that if my stbx thinks I am getting over her she seems to go out of her way to find something to upset me. I also think that she is not as always as happy with her new life as she claims. I think a lot of people that walk away from marriages are actually very insecure and are often putting on a front.

I can say it does get easier with time, and one of the best ways of getting over it is to try and do new things so that as time goes on you are thinking about the new things and less about your old life.

All the best

Steve

Hi
I am just over 5 months down the line. My stbx left, someone younger, says we have nothing in common and reasons for ending marriage are all really feable excuses as though he is trying to justify his behaviour although obviously not 100% sure himself. I am still confused and can not believe I am in this situation. I wa oblivious to how unhappy he says he was.
I cried daily for 3 months and then it started to get a bit less. I have 2 little boys to keep me busy and although they help to take my mind off things it is hard having to se my stbx on a regular basis due to his contact with our boys.
keep posting x

Hi Steve,
You're right, a large part of the pain is imagining him happy without me, when I'm devastated. I'm trying not to initiate any contact with him now, to throw myself into work and see my friends. I find that I can get by when I have to (at work etc.) but I worry constantly that I'll breakdown on the bus or something, because sometimes a fresh painful thought hits me out of the blue and knocks me for six. It's like I've got a slide show running through my head the whole time, with snapshots of our happy life together. Things I'd even forgotten. I just can't switch it off and it's killing me.
Allgone