What did it all mean?

What is it with these midlife crisis nutters. As a friend of mine put it "oh yes, the complete personality transplant, I remember that".

Mine didn't share a bed with me while I was pregnant but made fairly plausible excuses so I didn't think too much of it. He then left me with a baby to bring up. Told me he hadn't loved me since before the baby was conceived...ehh??? (A year of trying)

Hang in there, Its going to take a while for your heart to catch up with your head but you know he's not worth it. Try and get your living arrangements sorted best you can then get your 50%, rebuild your life bigger and better than it was before, then stick two fingers up to him when he's crawling in the gutter begging for forgiveness!

Ok,

I haven't read through the other posts, my bad. but I didn't need to. You mentioned EA with someone.

That is enough. He will turn everything on it's head. He will tell you things that you KNOW are not true, he will lie, he will go from being nice to being not bothered.

All of it is due to his EA. Nothing more, nothing less.

I wish I had even a penny for everytime I have heard "she/he didn't have any influence on why I left you"

It's all BS. ( polar, if you are listening, can you hear me now!!)

They love you, but they are in a 'fog'. There is no explaining, there is no reason, there is NOTHING you can do to talk to them.

Sit back, decide what YOU want and go from there.

If you want to save your marriage, post again, I will try to help.

If you don't, then we will help.

We won't judge, we won't take sides as friends may do. We will help you with whatever you choose to do.

Take Care

Hi Allgone

Welcome to wiki.

I think lots of people on here will identify with your story. You’re one of many who thought everything was ok… only to find it really wasn’t. Seems a lot of people live their life looking over their partner’s shoulder for something better, so at least you’re not alone and shouldn’t blame yourself for this happening.

Normally, I’d suggest Relate, but in your case it sounds as though his mind is made up and you’re to be cut out like you never existed. Again, this is such a common thread in break-ups, this is how he is dealing with his guilt.

If you’re terrified about him starting proceedings, why not take control yourself? At least then you would be in the driving seat. My now-ex expected me to wait 2 years to divorce when he left me. I knew it was over and that there was someone else involved, so I gave him the opportunity of working things out via Relate which he declined twice. I then started divorce proceedings. Believe me, it was the last thing I wanted to do, but I had to protect myself financially, and the constant worry that he would initiate the process was proving too much to cope with.

If you breakdown on the bus, what’s the worst that can happen? A few stares? I’ve broken down in some very public places and I’m convinced most of the looks I got were of the ‘I-know-what-you’re-going-through’ variety. Keep on posting and talking.

Hi everyone,

Thank you all so much for replying.

Lsot1 wrote:

If you want to save your marriage, post again, I will try to help.

The thing is, that I wanted to save my marriage, even after I found out about the emotional affair, and even though my husband has refused time and time again to consider Relate. I still do want to save it in my heart, but my head is telling me to walk away.

This new woman he is seeing is someone other than the one he had the EA with. This changes things for me, as it means he deliberately started dating rather than getting caught up in some weird relationship at work. I think that with both of these women it's 'grass is greener' syndrome, but I don't think I can hold out any hope anymore. Originally (with the emotional affair, and the work / living arrangement pressures I descried in my first post) I thought that my husband must be depressed, because his behaviour made no sense to me.

I have made it clear to him that I want to save our marriage, that I want to go to Relate and that I am sure that we can make it work. All I have asked from him is one word that he WANTS to try, he doesn't need to know HOW to try. This is what I've told him Relate will help with. But for some weeks now he's been saying that there's no point in trying as he 'doesn't love me anymore'. He says we're best friends and that he doesn't want to be married to his best friend. But he won't even try. Of course he's not going to try to put back whatever he thinks is missing from our relationship when he's finding that in another woman.

So I really think it's too late now. I don't want it to be, but I can see no way back. He doesn't want to make it work, and I'd be stupid to take him back even if he wanted, because how could I trust him? All my family and most of my friends also know the situation now, so they are all advising me to cut my losses and protect myself. Which I know I SHOULD do, but I want to be back happily married with him so much. We were supposed to be buying a house and starting a family in the next year or so, and now I'm plunged right back to where I was in my early twenties, on my own, renting a shared house, having to start back at the bottom rung of dating, with the very real possibility that I will never again find someone I want to share my life with and have children with. And his life will carry on as normal with another woman instead of me.

I'm sorry this turned out so long. It's good to get it off my chest.

Hi Allgone

Your story is almost a mirror image of mine. I asked my husband to leave 3 months ago as he'd been savagely persued by a younger sexier etc etc former work colleague offering it to him on a plate.

Even though we were trying to work our problems through as I thought, successfully, he still went back to her as soon as she contacted him to say she'd left her partner. What sort of woman does that? He tries to convince me she's nice!!!

I've been through all of those emotions and now have more good days than bad. I get along just fine until I see or hear from him then it rakes it all up again.

All the reasons he gave for him wanting to be with her were pointed at me. You're not attractive,more or less pretty dull, not good enough really when all I've done for 32 years is love him and support everything he's done. Him saying he didn't love me was a killer because I had absolutly no indication of that and I think thats just something he said to justify his actions.

Keep busy, go out lots and surround yourself with friends and family. On bad days look forward. Do you really want to be with this man who's treated you so badly? or would you rather hope to find someone else who will give you the love and respect you deserve?

I know which I want but just need to heal first.

Take Care. You'll be fine I promise.

Hi Allgone

just wanted to add mu support for you

This same story has been painfully written so many times here on wiki , confused and shocked people trying to come to terms with whats happenend . As millie says , some people just seem to constantly be looking out for something " better " . They wont change , they will always be looking for that " something " . They will believe they have found it with someone new until the novelty wears off ( which it will ) and they will be searching again .
This site will be a huge support for you emotionally and practically , stay strong , look after yourself , and things will gradually get better .

shiny

Hallo Allgone

Sadly, if one partner decides a marriage is over, its over. You can't make them want to make it work. Your husband is loved up with someone else at the moment so its quite clear he doesn't want to make it work. He hasn't said he's unhappy and can you help him sort it out/work with him, etc. He's just chosen to have 2 affairs in a short space of time.

So stop tormenting yourself with it all. The sooner you accept he's gone, the easier it will be. Would you want him back, knowing what he has done and could do again without any sign of remorse?

Concentrate on you. If you want to start divorce proceedings, go ahead. If you don't, then don't.

My ex left behind 31 years with me to go off with someone else. What hurt was that I had asked for a separation as things were really bad, but he didn't move out till he had another bed to climb into.

He had a total personality change. Bounced round to tell me about his exciting social life - his new woman has 2 small kids who spend every other weekend with their Dad- so he had one weekend childfree to do couple things and another weekend to do things with "our" (ie her) children, whilst I was at home with our two angry teenagers. I wasn't having fun and I when I pointed out that it didn't help to hear how many parties he'd been to in the last week, he looked quite hurt.

He was even surprised that my Mum didn't want to chat to him at Xmas when he came to collect our boys (his new woman's idea)!

Your husband isn't thinking about you. So stop thinking about him, and think about YOU. Get some self-help books from the library, post here, find a counsellor, sit in a hot bath with a strong drink and cry your eyes out, put on some boppy music and dance, hit a cushion, arrange to see some old friends - do whatever you need to do right now to help you feel better.

I went through all the stages of bereavement (even though I had wanted the separation) - shock, disbelief, denial, grief, anger. I see a counsellor every week. I took anti-depressants for a short while. I occasionally got drunk (not when my kids were around). I renewed all my neglected friendships, I joined a book club and a film club. I accepted every invitation I got whether I felt like going out or not.

Now I feel quite indifferent to my ex. We aren't anywhere near getting divorced yet but I feel so much more able to cope.

You'll get there too.