Throw in the towel or not?

Hi Everyone

Found this site a couple of weeks ago and reading other posts has given me more confidence for the future, whatever happens.

Here's my situation.

Been with my wife for 12 years, married for 8 and have had the normal ups and downs. More ups than downs for me. Opposite for my wife, or so she says.

We have three children together, daughters age 10 and a boy aged 4. Also have a stepson of 16, so a busy old house and very little time for ourselves!

I discovered my wife was having an emotional affair on facebook before Christmas (great timing) and had booked a flight to meet him in January.

She has now cancelled the flight after I paid the cancellation fee (I offered) but says she did this so that I couldn't tell the children later on. Don't think I would want them to know anyway.

Given the circumstances, Christmas was actually ok - we agreed to make sure the kids had a good one, which they did.

We have been to one counselling session, where we both said we didn't want to be together but I'm still not sure if I want that or I want to save our marriage.

Still living together as finances are in a mess. Been under big financial pressure for the last two years due to business problems and the credit crunch but that has started to turn the corner and I wrongly assumed that our relationship would improve once we had got our "head above water".

Wife is adamant that her EA has nothing to do with it.

No major arguments going on at the moment as counseller gave us the ground rule of not talking abour our relationship and just spend time with the children. Next session on Tuesday.

Yesterday, we had a good evening, spoke a couple of times in the day as normal and then at night she tells me she's been to Citizens Advice to sort out splitting up. I find this hard to deal with, if we didn't get on I could understand it.

Feels like a surreal existence at the moment!

Very early on in our relationship we did split up for five months and her attitude now is exactly the same.

Just don't know if it's worth staying and trying or moving on. I think in my heart of hearts I know that if I leave the MH (which seems unfair to me but would be best for the children for stability) there is no going back.

Sorry to ramble on a bit but I'm just not sure what to do for the best.

Thanks

Traveller

Hi Traveller, welcome to wiki.

Many of us have been dealt the blow that our spouses no longer want to be married. Many of us have attended a few counselling sessions; only to find that the other-halfs mind was already made up.

From wiki users experience, many have found that it is pointless trying to change their minds, pointless (and quite pathetic) to plead, and pointless to resist the inevitable.

Unfortunately, I cannot hand you a Magic Wand.

I'm all for re-concilliation, and if all this is about some Facebook Fantasy bloke being perceived as being a better option, then the lady needs to get real. My first marriage ended because of chat-room activity (Emotioanl Affair) which became real. Ex later regretted our divorce, but there was no stopping it once he'd made up his mind.

Should you be headed for Divorce; there is a wealth of legal and emotional support here to get you through it.

Sera

Welcome to wiki Traveller,

Great advice as always, from Sera.

Traveller,

Having been the one to have an EA over the internet many years ago and survived, I can tell you one thing. Your W says that the EA has nothing to do with her decision to leave. That is utter and total BS. She may have been unhappy, there may have been problems, but this 'escape' of hers just made everything at home seem FAR worse than it really is.

There is nothing more dangerous to a M than a W that becones emotionally involved with another. It's a female thing, but women attach a LOT more significance to emotional ties than we men do. My W had an EA for most of last year, she left, told me the same, 'nothing to do with her decision'. I didn't argue, but I knew better.

I am maybe in the minority on here, but I believe in fighting for your M and not just accepting things are they are and moving on. It's 5 months since my W left and I haven't given up yet, she has, but I will not until I am ready to. I won't make her life miserable but I will fight.

Sounds to me like like your W is now doing the normal thing following an EA, that is rewriting your marital history. They do that to justify their decision. Don't take anything she says as personal, you know what the truth is. Right at this moment, she can't see the truth.

What you need to do is to validate her belief, tell her that you can understand that feels the things she does, you can see what she means. Don't become needy or start begging her to cahnge her mind, that will only work against you. Get on with your life, control what you can, i.e. your life, your children, your house, but let your W work things out for herself.

Keep us up to date with how things are going and whatever happens we will help you through it.

Take Care

Someone actually has to choose to want to be with you.Once they have thats great.But just as equally once a person has fallen out of love with you you can't make them love you.They just don't see you as they once did.It's like if a woman loves you you'll tell her a joke and she'll laugh,tell her the same joke once she's binned you and you'll feel the tumbleweed blowing through.
Just think once things are over they're over.Love is elusive,the more you try to make someone love you who has finished with you the more pathetic they think you are.
all the best
Pete

Pete,

Bless ya, we have a completley different opinion.

I believe in love and you CAN make someone love you. We all did it once and we can do it again. You will look pathetic if you do it wrong, I agree wiht you there.

I tell my W jokes, she still laughs.

It all depends on how and why you split.

Hi Traveller,
Sounds to as if your wife is simply acting on what you both said at the mediation, and that's why she went to CAB. Just because you had a nice evening together, doesn't mean she has changed her mind.
If you are not sure, have a look in yr heart and when you know which path you want to follow, ask yr wife to set some time aside where you can discuss yr future properly, without being interrupted by the kids.
If you don't communicate, she won't know how you feel

And to Lsot1:
You wrote:

Sounds to me like like your W is now doing the normal thing following an EA, that is rewriting your marital history. They do that to justify their decision. Don't take anything she says as personal, you know what the truth is. Right at this moment, she can't see the truth.

Thank for lumping all us women together
Famous quote: One man's truth is another man's lie. I'm not saying anyone's lying here, rather that there are two sides to every story.

Sprite