Throw in the towel or not?

There isn't one picture of a marriage, there are two at least, yours and hers. Maybe in happy marriages both partners have the same view. I do know that although I felt our marriage went wrong a long time ago, and although I knew our separation was the best thing we could do, I went through emotional turmoil when it happened and grieved and got angry.

I've had 7 months of counselling since then, have got used to being single instead of in a couple, and my view of my marriage now is quite different from the one I had when we agreed to separate.

My ex has also seen our marriage in a different light.

You can't change how someone sees things - only they can do that.

Yes, splitting up is horrible - but afterwards you have a chance to rebuild your life.

You have said that in counselling you both said you wanted to be apart - why did you say that if it wasn't true? Do you want to save a marriage that is clearly in difficulty or do you just want to wave a wand and return to how it was when you first got married? That won't happen.

Whatever you do, you cannot make your wife want to live with you. If she is looking for relationships (virtual, emotional, physical, whatever) on the internet, then there is something fundamentally wrong. You can't put it right unless she wants you to.

Lsot1 wrote:

I am maybe in the minority on here, but I believe in fighting for your M

The majority of wiki users have fought for their marriages. To no avail.

Upon marriage my ex said I was his best friend, that we connected on every level, spiritual, mental, physical etc. We enjoyed each others' company, we fancied each other, had a very active sex life, and couldn't believe what a lucky bastard he was!

He also said the same the night before the divorce announcement. (When he brought me two bunches of flowers, shared a bottle of wine, shagged me twice in the bath, and said he never, ever wanted to sleep without me - ever)...

But then he changed his mind. Fancying himself a new life of sex, drugs and rcok-and-roll! When I asked why he wanted a divorce, he couldn't think of a reason. The only reason I got, was that I didn't like Radio Four.

I put myself through the humiliating task of standing by him, supporting him with his issues (drugs and alcohol) and a judge reduced my attempts of fighting to save our marriage to a one-liner:

"The Respondent wife refuses to accept the marriage is over".

What are you doing to 'fight' for this? Is this some kind of dual; head-to-head with the other bloke? Is this some kind of reluctance to accept that ex wants out of the marriage? Is there Knights and horse and jousting poles???

Is there something I'm missing!?

What are you supposed to do, (to fight) when your ex is saying they want out!?

Gee Sera,
I guess the counselling worked and you are' like, totallly over your ex!!
Sprite xx

Sera-

I just wanted to say:-

Stupid b*****d judge. Great thanks for saving the State from scraping your ex off a pavement somewhere and rehousing him, treating him, etc. etc.

Bet it makes you feel like it was all REALLY worth it. And expect you were forced to take his comment without a murmur, or YOU would have been held in contempt.

Thats funny, isnt it- judges seem to have free reign to be as contemptuous as they like.....

I didn't have any counselling. I went into the darkness of recovery myself. I had no reason for the divorce (beyond him being a drug user, mentaly ill, and divorcing his dead wife!) None of which made sense. I was told by one of his close friends: He cannot see you, for you.

My marriage vows promised to love in sickness and in health, and when he was obviously mentally ill; I stood by my vows.

His sister had read a beautiful poem at our wedding, (about supporting each other through the difficult times)

Marriage vows and commitment stand for nothing in Divorce proceedings, and should you try to defend a Petition; your attempts would be upheld.

So why bother? They're gonna dump you anyway.

Sera,

Well, raw nerve?

In my sitch, I am letting my wife get on with her life, and I am getting on with mine. However, I am standing for my M as I believe in it. I made vows, I am NOT about to back away from them until the fat lady sings.

That is the way I am fighting. There is no other bloke, there is a wish for independence. So I am giving her it. If she wants to return and remain indepenent, then I will work on that too. She says she has changed, I am getting to know the new her, see if I like it. If the answer is No and I don;t like her, then my future will change.


My way, that;s all.

Oh, an sprite, I aint lumping you all together, but putting across my POV.

I think yours has become a Marriage of Convenience' or a Marriage of Economics.

That's not a marriage. That's you sitting around on the back bearner awaiting what she might decide is your fate.

Fine if that non-existance suits you both. (I have friends in their 30's already living in a loveless, brother and sister type relationship.

I think a persons independence starts when they are truely alone. And have to finance their new-found lifestyle. And pay the bills, and fixed the blocked gutters, and travel alone, and talk to the Radio...

Everything else is keeping you on reserve and Game Playing.