Not sure if I'm in the right place.. But...

Hi everybody, I'm Lowlevel and I'm a 40 year old failure...

(I apologise for the length - But I have a feeling that once I start typing I won't be able to stop)

I've been married to my wife for 10 years, we have two beautiful children aged 9 and 3 and my life is rapidly swilling itself down the toilet.

We're in fairly dire straights financially - We go to court in a couple of weeks time to have the house repossessed, the bills are stacking up due to me having to take a 50% pay-cut. I'm not sleeping (hence posting at this time of the A.M.) or eating.

On Saturday, out of the blue - at least as far as I'm concerned, my wife told me that she didn't love me any more and wanted me to leave... To say that I was devastated would be an understatement - In fact, after a period of confusion, I left the house with the very real intention of taking my own life. Fortunately I came to my senses.

After some mediation from members of my wife's family and people from her church, it was decided that we should stay in the house together for the 'sake of the children' but live as housemates and nothing more - Effectively carrying on as before but without any intimacy (mental or physical).

I agreed to this, mainly because I had promised my daughter that I would never leave her, but also because I can't bring myself to believe that my wife has, actually, stopped loving me.

She has become more and more withdrawn over the past few weeks, and has sought solace in the online game 'World of Warcraft' - Which, for my sins, I introduced her to as a way of us having a shared interest - This certainly backfired as this is all she now seems to do. As soon as she has dropped the kids at school she logs on, plays until it's time to pick the kids up from school, does a little housework and then plays until midnight (actually 1:00 this morning). I have thought about putting in place some parental controls to limit the time she spends online - But I don't know if this will push her away even more.

As she is the one whose feelings have changed, (I still love her with all of my heart), she has dictated the groundrules for our ongoing relationship, such as it is - She claimed the bed and I must use the sofa - No more shared bathroom time (one person in the shower one person brushing their teeth etc.) - No physical contact unless she initiates it - There are more, but I just can't bring myself to list them...

The only one that I have had any input into was when I suggested a rota for the bed/sofa arrangement - She then said that we should sleep together in the bed as long as we both wore underwear - This did not work for me as it was torture lying that close to the woman I love and not being able to touch her - I retreated to the sofa, where I have stayed - like a good dog.

And I have swallowed these rules, one by one, as I have convinced myself that this is a phase, that she has sunk back into the depression that she suffered with after our son was born (and she is still being medicated for) and everything will miraculously 'sort itself out' when our situation is more stable.

She has told me that she did not love me once before - During the 'high' that she experienced coming out of her depression, she got involved with several other men last year whom she swapped pornographic texts and emails with, some of whom she had met through World of Warcraft and some as random people from the social networking site 'Facebook' - Her rationale was that she had never been physically intimate with any of them and she 'didn't love me at the time' so in her eyes, she hadn't done anything wrong.

We worked through this, but things have never really been the same - I have some fairly severe trust issues now. In fact, she asked me for a divorce yesterday (but has since changed her mind) When I found that she had texted one of her new Warcraft friends and I immediately thought the worst and confronted him, only to find that it was perfectly innocent, and he was her 'shoulder to cry on'

So, I suppose I should ask a question-

Has anyone else had an experience like this?

Am I wasting my time hoping for a reconcilliation that may never come?

Am I deluding myself?

Is she taking me for an idiot - Just to preserve her remaining quality of life ?

Sorry - That appears to be four questions

Hi Low
Welcome to wiki.

Sorry to hear your sad story.

IMHO, Facebook and World of Warcraft should carry a Government Health Warning... to marriages. If there are existing problems, you can guarantee WOW and FB will add insult to injury because essentially they are not for married people!

There are a few older threads on here about people sharing the MH - look them up and you might find them useful.

I'd suggest Relate. You clearly can't carry on as you are, something's got to give. Don't wait for the day when things miraculously 'sort themselves out'. They mostly don't and you need to be proactive.

So, to answer your questions...

Yes
Probably
Yes
Probably.

You deserve some quality of life, start today.
Good luck.

Lowlevel wrote:

I retreated to the sofa, where I have stayed - like a good dog.

Hi Low

Welcome to wiki

Wow i don't know why but that statement really effected me.

I feel for you so much, you are having to deal with a hell of a lot at the moment.

I agree with milly, things will not sort themselves on there own. It sounds as though your wife has shut herself off from you emotionaly and she probably has been doing so for a long time. Personaly i wouldn't follow her rules, it puts her in control, you should make the ground rules together.

People turn to emotional affairs because there is something missing in their relationshipg, this does not excuse them though. Your wife is using WOW as an escape, it almost becomes an addiction. You will never be able to try and rebuild your marriage while she is still escaping onto the net.

Councilling may be the answer, hopefully it should at least help you to understand each others viewpoint and if there is no hope, then you may be able to part as friends.

If living with your wife is too painfull you need to get out for your own sanity. It will be hard and it will hurt so much but by getting a little space between you will help you both to see things more clearly.

Wiki is a fantastic support network, there are people on here who have been through exactly what you are going through. Keep posting and if your feeling low pop into chat, you will be made welcome.

Dawn

Hey Low,

First thing mate, you are NOT a failure. Get that into your head. What is happening to you is NOT all your fault. It takes 2 to make a marriage, but only one to break it down.

I know just how World of Warcraft works, I have played it for 2 years and it certainly didn't make things better in my M. I didn't get involved with anyone online, but I basically ignored my wife whilst playing. It was MY escape from the real world. What I hadn't realised at the time, was that the reason my W wasn't bothered too much about me playing was that she was involved in her own emotional affair and had already 'checked out' of our M some time before. It is an addictive game and can swallow up hours and hours without the player realising it.

I can also symapthise with you regarding your financial position. My business failed and I am facing repossesion and bankruptcy. This happened about 3 months before my W said she was leaving. I slept on the couch as well, but only for a few days.

I have been there my friend and it's not a nice place.

Let me tell you something though, you will get through this, I am 6 months down the line now and have got myself to a much better place mentally. The financial side and relationship side of things are still pretty much the same, but I now know that it wasn't ALL my fault and there was not a lot I could have done to change things.

Oh, yeah, I suffer from depression as well, but this is managed via medication.

I suppose I am a bit of a mixture of both you and your WW

Regarding your W and her rationale regarding the texts. Whatever way she wants to colour it, she had an affair. She put herself emotionally wiht someone else and took herself away from you. She is probably continuing to do so as well.

So, what can you do?.

Well, as has been said above. Set some boundaries for yourself. If she wants to separate, then make her sleep on the sofa. You deserve a good nights sleep and demoting yourself in this manner is not helping. I know it's hard to be close to someone at night without being able to touch them, been there, done that too. BUT, it's your bed as much as hers and if she can't stand you being there, let HER have the sofa.

You need to be the strong one. Your W has got herself somewhere she doesn't know quite how to get out of. Show her that you are the stable man you always have been and stand up for yourself. I know it's easy to just follow her wishes in case you drive her away quicker, it doesn't work that way though. She will respect you more for standing up for your M and having self respect. She will probably be angry with you when you do this, but it's not her anger that is your enemy right now, it's your low self esteem. Pick yourself up,think positive and you may just be surprised at what you can achieve.

To answer you questions 'correctly' is impossible, but here is how I see it.

1. Yep, been there, done that.
2. That depends on how you act.
3. About being a failure, YES!
4. At the moment, yes, you are nothing to her. (this can change)

If you need to speak to me more, feel free to PM me.

STAND UP, the world needs you!

Lowlevel wrote:

Hi everybody, I'm Lowlevel and I'm a 40 year old failure...

(I apologise for the length - But I have a feeling that once I start typing I won't be able to stop)

I've been married to my wife for 10 years, we have two beautiful children aged 9 and 3 and my life is rapidly swilling itself down the toilet.

We're in fairly dire straights financially - We go to court in a couple of weeks time to have the house repossessed, the bills are stacking up due to me having to take a 50% pay-cut. I'm not sleeping (hence posting at this time of the A.M.) or eating.

On Saturday, out of the blue - at least as far as I'm concerned, my wife told me that she didn't love me any more and wanted me to leave... To say that I was devastated would be an understatement - In fact, after a period of confusion, I left the house with the very real intention of taking my own life. Fortunately I came to my senses.

After some mediation from members of my wife's family and people from her church, it was decided that we should stay in the house together for the 'sake of the children' but live as housemates and nothing more - Effectively carrying on as before but without any intimacy (mental or physical).

I agreed to this, mainly because I had promised my daughter that I would never leave her, but also because I can't bring myself to believe that my wife has, actually, stopped loving me.

She has become more and more withdrawn over the past few weeks, and has sought solace in the online game 'World of Warcraft' - Which, for my sins, I introduced her to as a way of us having a shared interest - This certainly backfired as this is all she now seems to do. As soon as she has dropped the kids at school she logs on, plays until it's time to pick the kids up from school, does a little housework and then plays until midnight (actually 1:00 this morning). I have thought about putting in place some parental controls to limit the time she spends online - But I don't know if this will push her away even more.

As she is the one whose feelings have changed, (I still love her with all of my heart), she has dictated the groundrules for our ongoing relationship, such as it is - She claimed the bed and I must use the sofa - No more shared bathroom time (one person in the shower one person brushing their teeth etc.) - No physical contact unless she initiates it - There are more, but I just can't bring myself to list them...

The only one that I have had any input into was when I suggested a rota for the bed/sofa arrangement - She then said that we should sleep together in the bed as long as we both wore underwear - This did not work for me as it was torture lying that close to the woman I love and not being able to touch her - I retreated to the sofa, where I have stayed - like a good dog.

And I have swallowed these rules, one by one, as I have convinced myself that this is a phase, that she has sunk back into the depression that she suffered with after our son was born (and she is still being medicated for) and everything will miraculously 'sort itself out' when our situation is more stable.

She has told me that she did not love me once before - During the 'high' that she experienced coming out of her depression, she got involved with several other men last year whom she swapped pornographic texts and emails with, some of whom she had met through World of Warcraft and some as random people from the social networking site 'Facebook' - Her rationale was that she had never been physically intimate with any of them and she 'didn't love me at the time' so in her eyes, she hadn't done anything wrong.

We worked through this, but things have never really been the same - I have some fairly severe trust issues now. In fact, she asked me for a divorce yesterday (but has since changed her mind) When I found that she had texted one of her new Warcraft friends and I immediately thought the worst and confronted him, only to find that it was perfectly innocent, and he was her 'shoulder to cry on'

So, I suppose I should ask a question-

Has anyone else had an experience like this?

Am I wasting my time hoping for a reconcilliation that may never come?

Am I deluding myself?

Is she taking me for an idiot - Just to preserve her remaining quality of life ?

Sorry - That appears to be four questions

Dear Lowlevel, welcome. I am a newbie on here too and everyone has been very welcoming here so I am sure you will find some answers.

I would love to know what church your W belongs too because as far as I am aware sending pornographic texts would not go down to well with her vicar!

Three months ago my husband of 15 years told me that he didnt want to be married any more as he loved me like a sister and we had drifted apart. Dont know why we drifted apart probably the fact that 95% of the time he was away fulfilling his hobbies and doing what he wanted while I stayed like a dutiful wife at home raising the kids we both wanted. Three months on he is still here but is due to go soon. The children dont know yet - I should have won an oscar for my performance - they will soon.

Firstly re the house repossesion - dont panic - go to the directgov website as in january this year the government brought in new policies for homeowners that have had to take a drop in income. So there may be home yet.

My husband and I got into terrible debt but I managed to sort it out. We had an IVA and managed to pay it off. Financial difficulties can play havoc with relationships.

Re your questions: It does sound as if she wants it all considering she is the one who wants to leave. Get back in the bed and make her sleep on the sofa.... My husband left me 4 years ago for 3 months and on the night he left I really thought I would go to bed and not wake up the next morning but I did - him leaving me was the worst thing I thought could happen to me and believe me I could write a book the life I have had, couldnt we all, but I survived and according to my family I was a stronger person. He did come home but it wasnt easy - we both reverted to type - he sublimly controlling me and me being the dutiful wife. But even though he can do want he wants when he wants at the cost of everything else he decided that he doesnt want to be married any more - when I say he can do what he wants - that didnt mean other women and I know there has never been any - his mistress is the army!

You can do it and you will get through it - you will have blips - I do but ask yourself, do you really deserve this - you dont sound a bad person - is this how you see the rest of your life. I know it will be bloody hard when he goes - I am disabled with three children - I married for life and cannot believe that I will now be a single mother. But I have given so much and gained so little. I realised last year that I didnt what to spend my life being a glorified housewive - I liken it to a rock - I have been chiseled away at and now I fear there is nothing left so I am letting him go - not only so he can see if he does still love me but also so that I can see if I actually still love him.

Yes you could be reconciled but at what cost - she has to be willing to change surely....

God, sorry for rattling on. its hard to stop when you get started.

Take care of yourself and dont be too hard on yourself - I have learned from being on this board that everyone has different coping strategies - do what is best for you.

Yep Lsott..you and I have experienced it big time. So YEP YOU ARE NOT WORTHLESS and YES YOU ARE IN THE RIGHT PLACE. Take care Polar

I am sorry to hear your story. Actually, I am sorry to hear the impact upon you, I guess I am so used to these sort of facts that I have become mainly immune which is perhaps a sad reflection!

But, there is a lot of help around. Try this link on our website(cut and paste) www.family-lawfirm.co.uk/Support.aspx

From that Supoport section I'd suggest speaking to Counselling Works, over the phone.

Take care