Hello everyone, I'm new.

I wish that I could say we might drift back together. We did drift apart long before we split up, but it was really my fault that the split finally happened.

I made friends (honestly!) with a woman I met, and I was emailing her and talking to her on the phone. It really was just a friendship, but it was inappropriate, partly because I was able to chat away for hours to this woman in a way I couldn't with my wife any more, but mostly because I felt guilty about it and kept the friendship to myself. Didn't kiss her or anything like that, and she lived hundreds of miles away.

My wife went through my emails because she thought I was acting cagily, and she confronted me about this woman as though it was an affair. By this point the marriage didn't seem to have any fight left in it, and so we agreed to split up while we were still able to do so amicably.

After we agreed to separate, but before my ex moved out, things started getting a bit more flirty with this other woman, and I thought "why not". After all, my marriage was over now, I thought. I was naive. My ex overheard me on the phone one night and quite understandably thought that this new side to the relationship confirmed her suspicions.

So it all blew up. We were eventually able to get the civility back, but I know that she'll always believe that I had an affair. I think that a lot of people here will think that, too.

For me, realisation came too late that a new friendship with a woman should have made me realise that my marriage was in trouble and act upon it rather than giving up on it. I regret it all bitterly, but I'm sure it's pretty easy for anyone reading this to see why my ex wouldn't consider trying again.

I'll put my tin hat on and await the slings and arrows now...

i think when the trust is dented it is very very very hard to get it back. and unless both parties are committed fully to forgive and forget, there is always going tobe a sense of resentement about what happened.....i would cheer for a marriage to be saved, but i do personally think it is very hard to do.


and chris...noone here is going to be throwing arrows etc... yes there are more people on here who have been done wrong towards, but that does not mean that we cant hear the story of someone from the other side - so to speak!

Thank you for your understanding Claymic. I'd like to think that I didn't do as bad as someone who goes and sleeps with somebody else, but I've had plenty of time to stew and I know I did wrong.

Maybe the way things went for my marriage was for the best in the long run, or maybe it was a travesty. Either way I can't see a time coming soon where I won't look at my ex and feel heartwrenching longing, and having her in the same house as me isn't going to help me to change that.

Hands up who's thinking "this guy has only got himself to blame"?

doesn't sound like it's over at all to me! you clearly still have feelings for your wife and the fact you still fancy her is a big bonus! will she not consider a reconcilliation at all? have you suggested counselling? seems such a shame to throw a seemingly good marriage away just because you needed your ego massaging by some woman off the internet! ive been hurt by my stbx and would love to forgive him but my fear is that he will hurt me again...that's why i won't let myself give him another chance...is it that she can't forgive you or does she believe you may hurt her again at some point in the future?

Hi flower09, thanks for your reply.

I can see how I made it sound like someone I met on the Internet, but it was someone I met in real life and then communicated with by email etc.

I think the situation with my ex is similar to yours, feelings-wise. She seems to feel like she doesn't want to put herself in a situation where she could be hurt again. Much as I'd love to think otherwise, I don't think she'd consider a reconciliation, and yes, I have asked.

I drafted and emailed my ex a 1,324-word letter this lunchtime. In the letter I explained where I thought things had gone wrong during our marriage and how we'd drifted apart, and then went on to say how I've changed, how I can see she's changed, and how I'd like for us to go to some sort of counselling to find out if there's really no hope for us.

No reply yet, although she's been at work and will then be picking up our children.

She's going out on Saturday night (Valentine's Day) with a "friend". I have no idea if it's a male or female friend. We have always said that we would tell each other if we were dating anyone so that neither of us would be put in a situation where we found out something like that from someone else.

I don't know if my letter today will make things worse or put us on a road to something. My gut feeling is that she'll dismiss the idea and remind me that it's been 18 months since we split up and that I should be moving on.

Hi Chris

Another newbie, and from your earlier comments think we may have something in common in terms of being the guilty party. My wife and I lived separate lives for 6 weeks before she moved out, and that was emotionally draining - closed bedroom doors, coldness, etc. Things have gotten better between us since she moved out (we were even quite friendly until I told her I still loved her on Monday, and since then she's put a distinct distance between us, which is as bad as the closed doors when she was at home).

All I would say is to keep hoping, life is nothing without hope, and if you feel that there is a chance, keep believing. Good luck, hope it all works out for you.

David