Rock and a hard place - any advice?

Hi,

I joined this forum some time ago and have just got round to posting. So far, it's the only thing that has provided me with guidance during what is a very uncomfortable experience.

Not certain how many others are in my position:

We live on island within the British Isles, classed as a Crown Dependency.

I am seperated from my husband - co-habited for 10 years married for 3(it's mutual, and very reasonable). We have a child, who lives with him (unconventional?) as it doesn't disrupt schooling. Child is not "Scared" for life, and if anything, we all get along much better now (no shouting, time spent together really is quality time). They live in our former matrimonial home, which I have access to at all and any time, and I make a "maintainence" payment to an account (I earn considerably more than him). At the moment, neither of us are bothered about the process of divorce. We are both in agreement to just wait 2 years then DIY. I'm not interested in his pension, or other assets etc and the sentiments are reciprocated by him....I can hear so many of your screaming out "how stupid". However, only my ex and I know how each other works, and both agree that there is no need to be aggressive for the sake of it. We are not here for sport of jousting advocates!

My partner, on the other hand, is currently 8 months in to his divorce. He was married for 17 years and has 3 children, 14, 12 and 6. He moved out of the jointly owned FMH and continues to pay the mortgage (in his sole name), and rents an appartment which I share with him.

I appreciate that my partner and I are really the ones at fault, as we comitted adultery. However, it was not and is not sordid. We do not flaunt our relationships. We are very private, and try to always conduct ourselves in a respectful manner.

I just can't understand why his x2b behaves the way she does, using the children as pawns, flaunting herself around, claiming to be penniless but is out buying expensive handbags, tells anyone who will listen what a bad, mean man her ex was when all he did was hand out constantly only to be "rewarded" with verbal and mental belittling from her. She's even told people that we've been arrested for harrasment - when the police have never been anywhere near us! We did start seeing his children on a regular basis up until Christmas, but this has now stopped. She claims that the children are disturbed, when in actual fact, we were having a great time, playing games, and cooking and relaxing.

Is she thrashing out at my partner because her plans and ideas to cause as much trouble as possible aren't working at destroying what he and I have?

3 out of 4 of us are well educated, considered and reasonable, and recognise how (rightly or wrongly) the situation could have a bearing on our professional careers, so conduct ourselves accordingly. Is this wrong - I ask myself? It seems that worse a person behaves, the more blatent lies and the more hearsay is bounded around, the more the courts seem to listen and the more the rest of us suffer.

My partner and I are strong, I and I realise that we have come through what is probably the worst of the whole situation. However, I would be lying if I were to say that it isn't taking it's toll on he and I. I don't care about what money he has left or what we have, just so long as we have enough to live and be safe and happy..we can always build things up again. I just feel so...helpless.. my life is considerably different to how it was before I met him (some would say not for the better!) and i'm happy with that. It hurts so much to see someone you care about crumbling and it's emotinally draining to keep up the level of support - I feel as though i'm getting him on his feet just for her to kick him back down again.

Are there any other people onthis forum who are in my position - ie, they are co-respondent - who can share their experiences?

DL hands SD a hard hat and flak jacket....

Great..more of the same then!

Hi there,

Not exactly in your position as my partner wasn't married. But he is having difficulties with his ex and getting reasonable access to his son. Like your situation, the little boy has a wonderful time when with his dad but this doesn't suit the ex (although she's not been as bad as your partner's ex sounds).

The only way I could cope with seeing my partner so hurt is to cut myself off mentally from their discussions and problems and just offer a shoulder to cry on. I no longer try to understand her actions or to give ideas of how he should approach the problem. I had to accept that I have no control over the situation and even just feeling involved mentally led to huge amounts of stress for me that made me less able to be supportive.

You may have been the ones to commit adultery, but that has happened and what is important now is how you deal with the situation. Stay confident in your ability to get through this, keep your dignity and be strong for your partner. And don't give the ex the satisfaction of spoiling what you have together!

Good luck!

hi sd.
Her husband left her & the children of the marriage & you are suprised she isn't making his life easy?
No matter how 'reasonable' or educated you believe yourself to be, that is the basis of the situation.
You chose your bed ... etc.

Not sure I agree. Obviously the ex is not going to be happy and I think we all have sympathy with the position she's now in.

However, I think a distinction should be drawn between verbal abuse (which I agree is rather to be expected in this situation) and stopping the children from seeing their father and claiming that they are disturbed.

Wherever the fault lies in a marriage break-up, it is never the kids fault so they should not be made to suffer or take sides. Nor should fathers be kept from their children unless a danger to them, IMO.

Are people really saying that if you commit adultery then you shouldn't be able to see your own children unless your ex allows??

Moodybird... I totally, absolutely agree with everything you just said. Too many people use their children as pawns, my partners stbx is doing exactly the same to him and its not fair.