Rock and a hard place - any advice?

I am not saying I agree with the mothers actions, I am just saying I can understand - wrong though it may be.

Hi SD

I think the thing with divorce is that there are both practical and emotional aspects to be handled. Unfortunately I have seen it is very hard to predict what the emotional fallout can be.

For example my wife had an affair and left the marital home to rent a place and to 'be me'. I thought she needed space and we could maybe reconcile. She then started a relationship with the guy she had the affair with, which emotionally upset me, and I was a bit of a mess for a time. I got over that, met someone new and started a great relationship. Now I get emotional responses from my wife about my new relationship, and when I try to talk to her on a practical level she denies the emotions.

I have found that time and avoidance are the best approaches. Avoidance being things to try and hide the new relationship from her as much as possible so it doesn't result in emotional acts from her. Time worked for me in coming to terms with her new relationship and getting my emotions under control.

I don't really think education helps much on the emotional side, educated people can be very emotional and get in a real emotional state about their divorce.

So you have a situation where you and your husband were able to handle your divorce on a practical level. That is great! You and your new partner committed adultery which would have had an emotional impact on his wife. She has not been able to control her emotions and is reacting emotionally, maybe seeking revenge and wanting to spoil his new life as she sees he has ruined her life.

Whether you behave in a private way or not is irrelevant. When my wife committed adultery she never flaunted it, but after 18 years of marriage and me loving her deeply it was very painful for me. It will be the same for your new partners wife until she can move on. My moving on came with me finding someone new, and starting a new relationship.

But emotions are funny things, and I did not think my new relationship would emotionally affect my wife as it seems to have done.

S

Itgetsbetter, thanks for a really thoughtful response on the view from the other side. I hope it didn't seem I was ignoring the emotional aspect for the ex-wife, I am hugely sympathetic to her position - just not some of her actions.

Possibly going to need a flak jacket for this one but... "She has not been able to control her emotions". I know you are just stating the facts here, but I do think that where children are involved, parents have a responsibility to control their emotions if acting on them will make the children suffer.

Have seen too many people use their emotional state as an excuse for ignoring the effect on their children - and it's not just withholding access, it's badmouthing the ex, making the children feel they have to pick sides, letting them see nasty arguments... the list is endless.

Moodybird

I don't think it seemed you were ignoring the emotional aspects of the ex wife. I was just trying to explain it a bit.

I also do not condone using children as pawns, nor do I condone adultery. I think the problem is that 2 wrongs do not make a right, but when someone has been emotionally battered they will not be rational for a period of time and it is wrong to expect them to be. It is not a good excuse for someone to use their emotional state to justify unpleasant actions for any length of time......what is difficult is how long things go on for!?

S

Hi All

Sorry to hear of the stress you are going through, sd.

No one seems to have considered the possibility that the children, especially the 14 and 12 year old, may genuinely be disturbed by seeing their father with another. And if the split is recent their emotions may still be very raw and they may need time to come to terms with the situatuion

Also witnessing the distress their mother is going through can not be pleasant for them. She may have been particularly upset if they returned from a visit to their father, seemingly happy, and even if she did try to hide it they do pick up on these things.

And they may have seen their father put his arms round you and been upset by that? Or even looking at the bedroom you now share with him could have a similar effect. They may rightly or wrongly sense that you feel you are better than their mother and they feel disloyalty to their mother by being around you?

Maybe it would ease the situation if their father were to offer to have contact with his children on their own? Hope the situation eases with time.

Good Luck x

Yes she should not use the children as pawns. That is wrong. However, I cannot understand how you and your partner could commit adultry. I really feel for your partner's wife. She is devestated and you both caused that. Live with it!!!

Smurfy
With the greatest respect to you, no you cant understand because you are a different person and your circumstances are completly different from sd's. We dont know and will never know, because we werent there, the exact details of any of the reltionships in this post. We cant generalise.

SD, like others have said your partners wife is in shock, who knows what is going on in her head. Fingers crossed that she loves her children enough to allow them to have a relationship with your partner. I have a similar dilema and though it gets tough at times i just keep slogging away at trying to keep contact going, I get kicked back frequently and see shimmers of moving forward less frequently.

I hope it works out.

Tinny