The post I never wanted to make

Hi hurting

Really sorry to read about your situation. I recognise pretty much all of your thoughts and pain. Difference with me is that my wife moved out with the man. That was 41 days ago. Its been my two children who have been my biggest boost, they live with me in the family home and have enabled me to gain some short term focus. But its still one day at a time.

Its the lies that are just so hard to deal with. I've been over so many things in my head, and as others have said, they are not nice things and I'm not proud of what I've felt sometimes.

Make sure you take care of yourself. Pretty obvious I know, but eat proper meals. After that, its just about keeping the communication going. I hope you manage to find a way through it. PM me if you want to talk. All the best.

It may be carthatic , but we sat down again last night and after denying it again twice I pointed out I had seen the valentine's e-card while updating some software on the computer (which is the truth) and she confessed. For a while unloading some of my grief on her made the hard knot in my stomach ease a bit..

She should take some pain. It's not me thats had the affair.

Worst of it all I still love her and would want nothing more than to get over this.

I had 3 hrs sleep & a sandwich today. Thats progress

So many of us have been in the same situation. I can fully understand and feel your pain.

I am going to suggest a couple of practical things to help you feel you at least have some control.

1. If you have not already done so, find your marriage certificate and hide it. Without the marriage certificate (or certified copy, which can take up to four weeks to get) she can't file for divorce against you. As much as it hurts now, you don't want to get hit with a petition for divorce saying you are the cause of the marital breakdown because of your 'unreasonable behviour'. This action will not prevent anything, it just slows things down a bit and gives you a bit of an edge.

2. Presume you are going to divorce/separate. What sort of child care arrangements suit you? Could you do 50%? If you can and do this will substantially affect the financial outcome and most importantly your long term relationship with the child.

3. DO NOT discuss the new man with your wife. Trust me you really don't want to know. You will be curious, she may even want to confide in you about him, but you must calmly resist. Just tell her you really don't want to know, you don't approve and find it really painful. Allowing yourself to hear the details of how wonderful he is, how he makes her laugh, blah, blah, blah is a form of self abuse. Don't let her do it to you! Don't do it to yourself.

4. Save every email and write things down. It may be useful.

5. Don't move out.

good lukc!