Separated in January 2009

My husband and I separated in January 2009, after i discovered that he was having an affair with a 22 year old model he met on a photo shoot. I had no idea that he was going on these photo shoots whilst he was supposed to be working, but he has been doing this since around 2004. He has been chatting with young models on the internet on modeling sites and arranging photo shoots with girls of around 18 to 20 years old. I have since found discs in his office with photos of these girls on them wearing lingerie and nudity shots. I am completely devastated and shocked that he his capable of such lies and deceit. I totally loved and trusted him, we have been together for 18 years and married for 15 years and have 2 children 13 and 10 years old.

Hallo and welcome to the "i don't know who i married any more" club.

You are probably still coping with the shock. Be gentle with yourself and do what feels right for you and your children.

I did a lot of crying and then I got anti-depressants and counselling and read lots of self-help books.

Thank you for replying, i am trying to get some councelling arranged through my GP for myself and my children. My daughter has been having alot of behavioural problems since my husband and i separated.

I am also worried about my children they don't seem to have taken in what has happened yet. They still love their dad and see him every other weekend. I am struggling with the fact that they can still love him after what he has done to us all. The shock of what he has been doing has destroyed the whole family. He will not speak to his parents and they keep harrassing me, i think they looking for someone to blame for all of this and i think they blame me.

I don't know whether i can trust him with the children after what he has been doing. I have found some of his company mobile bills and it looks like he has been harrassing some of these girls he has been photographing, he has dialled their mobiles numbers over and over again sometimes not even getting an answer. I am just totally worried could do with some advice.

hallo again

Children don't always react in the way that we expect and sometimes they take a long time to show they have been affected.
Our two sons were 16 and 14 when husband left us. He went to live with another woman, though we had agreed to separate - I had asked for separation when he was being horrible, but didn't know he had OW. I wormed that out of him 2 months later, when we were still together as elder son was doing GCSEs (or as i see now, while ex was chatting OW into letting him move in).

Elder son reacted by shouting at his father, ignoring me - to the extent of coming back late from holiday with friend & family in France to go and stay with someone else for 2 days so i didn't even see him. He then announced he wasn't going into the 6th form and spent several months either asleep or out on his bmx bike. he also split up with his girlfriend.
now he is just beginning to look for a job/think about going to college and to talk a bit.

younger son and i went on a holiday just the 2 of us and got on really well. he has been more obviously supportive asking how i am and giving me cuddles. But he doesn't seem outwardly to be very affected at all.

When I speak to them about their Dad they say they are annoyed with him and think he's manky. i think this is because they now know about other woman, though ex never actually told them - and they met her on Boxing Day. I don't think they are bothered about her as such, but that their father has chosen her and her children over them. They do meet once a week to play 5 a side football and ex sees one or other of them or both most Sundays - but all doing things ex would be doing anyway. he hasn't gone out of his way to do things they'd like.

As for you
well, i can see you are very angry at ex but he is their Dad. These models he has been involved with are all over 16 from the sound of it. Clearly if there was any under-age implication you'd have evey right to be alarmed.

Your children are probably aware that you are very hurt/angry and don't know how to deal with it - or indeed how to talk to you as you are so emotionally involved.

just try to be as normal as possible around them and be the security and familiar person they can feel safe with.

hi
think I do how you feel-my stbx and I separated last nov. I got into his old email address-big mistake as I saw he was dating loads of women just for sex and called them his f**** buddies (sorry about expression). I also found some porn sites of teenagers (obviously just saw title and wouldn't even dare opening them!) but which makes me feel sick. he has got a high position and quite a few people working for him and I just think this "other picture" suits him. However, I have more and more come to realise that I married a guy I do not know, prob have never known-as NoRegrets mentioned.
I am worried too as we have got two very young kids who stay at his flat every other weekend and I should only believe what he tells me. Last time he was looking after them he was doing "arrangments" with one of them, kids must have been next to him!
At least your kids are able to talk, so I guess that is what you have to hang on to...try and talk as much as you can...
sorry I am not much of help though but wish you lots of strenght!

I know you are in shock at the moment, i am still in shock and mines been 11 weeks. I know you are going to be ok just take a day at a time and together we will both see better days. Take care babe

Hi Beauregard

The girls are right... give yourself some time to adjust to the situation. All sorts of things will be running through your mind right now - and probably for a while yet... things remembered that may now make sense.

But you know... you cannot make the insensible make sense... just as we cannot comprehend the incomprehensible.

The biggest problem for me in not having a clue about my husband's deceit - was what that said about my own judgement. It scared me. Over time, I began to realise that (compared to him) having crap judgement in a partner won't stop me going to heaven.

Deceit is a whole different ballgame.

So sorry he did this to you... but so very glad you found out about it

Welcome to wiki honey

Shezi