It made me laugh!

A woman sitting in an Adelaide Pub suddenly began to cough.

After a few seconds it became apparent that she was in real distress, and two locals, Bluey and Bazza sitting at the next table turned to look at her.

Ken ya swaller? asked Bluey
The woman signalled 'No!' desperately shaking her head.

Kin ya breathe?' asked Bazza. The woman shook her head No!!!

With that, Bluey walked behind her, lifted up the back of her dress, yanked down her knickers and ran his tongue up and down her bottom.

This shocked the woman into such a violent spasm that the obstruction flew out of her mouth and she began to breathe again.

Bluey swaggered back to his table and took a deep swig of his beer.

Bazza said in admiration 'Ya know Bluey, I'd heard of that bloody Hind Lick Manoeuvre, but that's the first time I ever seen somebody do it.'!!!

A man in a London supermarket tries to buy half a head of lettuce. The
very young produce assistant tells him that they sell only whole heads
of lettuce. The man persists and asks to see the manager.

The boy says he'll ask his manager about it. Walking into the back room,
the boy said to his manager, "Some ar*e-hole wants to buy half a head of
lettuce."

As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right
behind him, so he added, "... and this gentleman has kindly offered to
buy the other half."

The manager approved the deal, and the man went on his way.

Later the manager said to the boy, "I was impressed with the way you got
yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who can think on
their feet here. Where are you from, son?"

"Scotland, sir," the boy replied.

"Well, why did you leave Scotland?" the manager asked.

The boy said, "Sir, there's nothing up there but whores and farmers."

"Really?" exclaimed the manager. "My wife is from Scotland!"

"No kidding" replied the boy. "Where was her farm?"

Once upon a time

in a land far away

a beautiful independent self-assured princess
happened upon a frog as she sat contemplating ecological issues on the shores of an unpolluted pond.
In a verdant meadow near her castle.

The frog hopped into the princess' lap and said
" Elegant Lady I was once a handsome prince, until an evil witch cast a spell upon me.
One kiss from you however and I will turn back into the dapper young prince that I am. "

And then my sweet,

we can marry and set up housekeeping in your castle

With my mother

where you can prepare my meals

clean my clothes

bear my children

and forever feel grateful and happy doing so.

That night
As the princess dined sumptuously on lightly sauteed frogs legs
Seasoned in a white wine and onion cream sauce she chuckled

And thought to herself.

I don't F....ING think so !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

THE CREMATED HUSBAND

Martha recently lost her husband. She had him cremated and brought his ashes home.

Picking up the urn he was in, she poured him out onto the patio table. Then tracing her fingers in the ashes,
she started talking to him.
'Herman, you know that dishwasher you promised me?
I bought it with the insurance money!'

She paused for a minute tracing her fingers in the
ashes then said. 'Herman, remember that car you promised me? Well, I also bought it with the insurance money!'

Again, she paused for a few minutes and while tracing
her fingers in the ashes she said. 'Herman, that diamond ring you promised me? Bought it too, with the insurance money!'

Finally, still tracing her fingers in the ashes, she
said.
'Herman, remember that blow job l promised you?'
'Get ready, here it comes....'

Thanks for that one, SD - made me laugh out loud for the first time in a few days (I just hope she had the hoover ready............)

ruby

President Bush decides to leave the White House and go out to sit in a local bar. A guy walks in and asks the barman, 'Isn't that Bush sitting at the end of the bar?'

The bartender says, 'Yep, that's him.' So the guy walks over and says,'Wow, this is a real honor! What are you doing in here?'

Bush says, ' I'm planning WW III.'

The guy says, 'Really? What's going to happen?'

Bush says, 'Well, I'm going to kill 140 million Muslims and one blonde with big tits.

The guy exclaimed, 'A blonde with big tits?

Why kill a blonde with big tits?'

Bush turns to the bartender and says,

'See, I told you, no one gives a damn about the 140 million Muslims'.

BEING BRITISH:)


Being British is about driving in a German car to an Irish pub for a Belgian beer, and then travelling home grabbing an Indian curry or a Turkish kebab, to get home to sit on Swedish furniture and watch American shows on a Japanese TV.



And the most British thing of all? - Suspicion of anything foreign.

Oh and...

Only in Britain ... can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.

Only in Britain ... do supermarkets make sick people walk all the way to the back of the shop to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

Only in Britain ... do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries and a DIET coke.

Only in Britain ... do banks leave both doors open and chain the pens to the counters.

Only in Britain ... do we leave cars worth thousands of pounds on the drive and lock our junk and cheap lawn mower in the garage.

Only in Britain ... do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.

Only in Britain ... are there disabled parking places in front of a skating rink.

NOT TO MENTION... its Christmas time ..........

31 Brits have died since 1996 by watering their Christmas tree while the fairy lights were plugged in.

19 Brits have died in the last 3 years believing that Christmas Decorations were chocolate.

British Hospitals reported 4 broken arms last year after cracker pulling accidents.

101 people since 1999 have had broken parts of plastic toys pulled out of the soles of their feet.

18 Brits had serious burns in 2000 trying on a new jumper with a lit cigarette in their mouth.

A massive 543 Brits were admitted to A&E in the last two years after opening bottles of beer with their teeth.

5 Brits were injured last year in accidents involving out of control Scalextric cars.

And finally ...

In 2000 eight Brits cracked their skull whilst throwing up into the toilet.

AREN'T YOU PROUD TO BE BRITISH !?!?!?