It made me laugh!

Your Yearly Dementia Test

It's that time of year to take our annual senior citizen test.
Exercise of the brain is as important as exercise of the muscles. As we grow older, it's important to keep mentally alert. If you don't use it, you lose it! Below is a very private way to gauge your loss or non-loss of intelligence.
Take the test presented here to determine if you're losing it or not. The spaces below are so you don't see the answers until you've made your answer.
OK, relax, clear your mind and begin.




1. What do you put in a toaster?











Answer: "bread." If you said "toast," give up now and do something else.
Try not to hurt yourself. If you said, bread, go to Question 2.











2. Say "silk" five times. Now spell "silk." What do cows drink?










Answer: Cows drink water. If you said "milk," don't attempt the next question. Your brain is over-stressed and may even overheat. Content yourself with reading a more appropriate literature such as Auto World. However, if you said "water", proceed to question 3.





3. If a red house is made from red bricks and a blue house is made from blue bricks and a pink house is made from pink bricks and a black house is made from black bricks, what is a green house made from?











Answer: Greenhouses are made from glass. If you said "green bricks," why the hell are you still reading these???
If you said "glass," go on to Question 4.





4. It's twenty years ago, and a plane is flying at 20,000 feet over Germany (If you will recall, Germany at the time was politically divided into West Germany and East Germany .) Anyway, during the flight, two engines fail. The pilot, realizing that the last remaining engine is also failing, decides on a crash landing procedure. Unfortunately the engine fails before he can do so and the plane fatally crashes smack in the middle of "no man's land" between East Germany and West Germany . Where would you bury the survivors? East Germany , West Germany , or no man's land"?












Answer: You don't bury survivors.
If you said ANYTHING else, you're a dunce and you must stop. If you said, "You don't bury survivors", proceed to the next question.




5. Without using a calculator - You are driving a bus from London to Milford Haven in Wales . In London , 17 people get on the bus. In Reading , six people get off the bus and nine people get on. In Swindon, two people get off and four get on. In Cardiff , 11 people get off and 16 people get on. In Swansea , three people get off and five people get on. In Carmathen, six people get off and three get on. You then arrive at Milford Haven.
What was the name of the bus driver?



















Answer: Oh, for crying out loud!
Don't you remember your own name? It was YOU!!

PS: 95% of people fail most of the questions!!

Dodgy Ones - If you are easily offended look away now.

I said to the wife, 'I thought I saw your name on a loaf of bread today, but when I looked again it said 'Thick Cut'

What's the difference between Harold Shipman and Tony Blair?
Shipman actually did something about NHS waiting lists.

A bride on her wedding night says to her husband 'I must confess darling, I was a hooker!'.
He says 'That's alright, dear. Your past is your past, but I must admit that I find it quite erotic. Tell me about it'.
She replies 'Well, my name was Nigel, and I played for Wigan !'.

Father Duffy walks into the convent and sees Sister Rose washing the kitchen floor. He's overcome with desire and pushes her onto the ground. As he's shagging her the Rev Mother comes in. 'SISTER ROSE!!!' she roars 'Have some respect. Arch your back girl and keep Father Duffy's balls off the wet floor!!'

Jack wakes up at home with a huge hangover he can't believe. He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them,a single red rose! Jack sits down and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. Jack looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order,spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror, and notices a note on the table: "Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping-Love you!"

He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks, "Son...what happened last night?" "Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind. You broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door."

"So, why is everything in such perfect order, so clean, I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?" His son replies, "Oh THAT! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, "Leave me alone, lady, I'm married!"

Broken furniture - £185.26
Hot Breakfast - £4.20
Red Rose bud -£3.00
Two Aspirins -£0.38

saying the right thing, at the right time.........Priceless.

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A man and his wife, now in their 60's, were celebrating their 40th wedding Anniversary.
On their special day a good fairy came to them and said that because they had been so good
that each one of them could have one wish.

The wife wished for a trip around the world with her husband.

Whoosh! Immediately she had airline/cruise tickets in her hands.

The man wished for a female companion 30 years younger...

Whoosh...immediately he turned ninety!!!







Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?

A: You did not hold the pillow down long enough.

Always wear clean underwear in public, especially when working under your
vehicle.

From the Daily News comes this story of a Walsall couple who drove their car
to Asda, only to have their car break down in the car park. The man told his
wife to carry on with the shopping while he fixed the car. The wife returned
later to see a small group of people near the car. On closer inspection, she
saw a pair of hairy legs protruding from under the chassis. Unfortunately,
although the man was in shorts, his lack of underpants turned his private
parts into glaringly public ones. Unable to stand the
embarrassment, she dutifully stepped forward, quickly put her hand UP his
shorts, and tucked everything back into place. On regaining her feet, she
looked across the bonnet and found herself staring at her husband who was
standing idly by. The RAC mechanic, however, had to have three stitches in
his forehead.

A French version of the popular British reality show `The Apprentice' has come unstuck as it emerged that the host was not legally permitted to fire any of the contestants.

The finalists are now insisting that they have a job for life, after an attempt to sack one competitor resulted in massive student demonstrations, major strikes across the French public sector and the burning of lorries on the auto-route.

The show has now been renamed `Restez en place!' and follows the various contestants as they negotiate down their 35 hour week and threaten to work to rule over the inadequacy of a two hour lunch-break. Meanwhile the host, Alain de Sucre observes their attempts in the various tasks he set them, such as selling over-priced stale baguettes at a French market in Hertfordshire or working as a Parisian waiter without smiling. After they have failed miserably he tells them what he thinks of them. `Vous etes une piece de merd' or `Vous n'avez pas un clue saignant!' before pausing for effect and delivering the show's punch-line; `Mais... Restez en place!'

The head of TF1 is under intense criticism for buying the rights to The Apprentice without checking if the BBC format could work under French employment law. `He is totally incompetent and is not fit to run a television channel,'
said one colleague. `Mark my words - he will certainly be out of a job when he retires on full salary in 2028.'

A woman was very distraught at the fact that she had not had a date or any sex in quite some time.
She was afraid that she might have something wrong with her, so she decided to seek the medical expertise of a sex therapist.

Her doctor recommended that she see the well known Chinese sex therapist Dr. Chang……….

So she went to see him.

Upon entering the examination room Dr. Chang said ‘OK, take off all your crose’.

The woman did as she was told.

Dr Chang said ‘Now get down and craw reery, reery fass to odderside of room’.

Again, the woman did as she was instructed.

Dr. Chang then said 'OK, now craw reery, reery fass back to me’.

So she did.

Dr.Chang shook his head slowly and said 'Your probrem vewy bad. You haf Ed Zachary diease. Worse case I ever see. Dat why you not haf sex or dates’.

Worried the woman asked anxiously 'Oh my God Dr. Chang, what is Ed Zachary Disease?'

Dr. Chang sighed deeply and replied 'Ed Zachary Disease is when your face look Ed Zachary like your ass’.