It made me laugh!

An Irishman was terribly overweight, so his doctor put him on a diet.

'I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks.
The next time I see you, you should have lost at least 5 pounds.

When the Irishman returned, he shocked the doctor by having lost nearly 60lbs!

'Why, that's amazing!' the doctor said, 'Did you follow my instructions?'

The Irishman nodded...'I'll tell you though, by jaesuz, I t'aut I were going to drop dead on dat 3rd day.'

'From the hunger, you mean?' asked the doctor.

'No, from the f**kin' skippin'

A man went to the Post Office to apply for a job.

The interviewer asked him, “Have you been in the services?”

“Yes,” he replied. “I was in the armed forces for three years”.

The interviewer said, “That will give you extra points toward employment” and then asked, “Are you disabled in any way?”

The man replied, “Yes, 100%. A mortar round exploded near me and blew my testicles off”.

The interviewer told the man, “O.K. I can hire you right now.
The hours are from 8:00 AM to 4:00 PM . You can start tomorrow. Come in at 10.00 AM”.

The man was puzzled and said, “If the hours are from 8:00 AM to 4:00 PM, then why do you want me to come in at 10:00 AM?”

“This is a government job”, the interviewer explained. “For the first two hours we stand around scratching our balls. No point in you coming in for that”.

A little girl asked her mother, "How did the human race appear?"

The mother answered, "God made Adam and Eve and they had children and so was all
mankind made."

Two days later the girl asked her father the same question. The father answered, "Many years ago there were monkeys from which the human race evolved."

The confused girl returned to her mother and said, "Mom, how is it possible that you told me the human race was created by God, and Dad said they developed from monkeys?"

The mother answered, "Well, dear, it is very simple. I told you about my side of the family and your father told you about his.

I think I know that family! LOL
Megan

Marriage Counseling

A husband and wife came for counseling after 15 years of marriage.

When asked what the problem was,the wife went into a passionate, painful tirade listing every problem
they had ever had in the 15 years they had been married.
She went on and on and on - neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an
entire laundry list of un-met needs she had endured over the course of their marriage.

Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the
desk and, after asking the wife to stand, he embraced and kissed her passionately . The woman shut up and quietly sat down as though in a daze.

The therapist turned to the husband and said,
'This is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do this?'

The husband thought for a moment and replied, 'Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I fish ....'

A teacher gave her class of 11 year olds an
assignment: To get their parent to tell them a story
with a moral at the end of it.

The next day the kids came back and one by one began
to tell their stories.

Ashley said, "My father's a farmer and we have a lot
of egg laying hens. One time we were taking our eggs
to market in a basket on the front seat of the car
when we hit a big bump in the road and all the eggs
got smashed.
"What's the moral of that story?" asked the teacher.
"Don't put All your eggs in one basket!"
"Very good," said the teacher.

Next little Sarah raised her hand and said, "Our
family are farmers too. We raise chickens for the meat
market. One day we had a dozen eggs, but when they
hatched we only got ten live chicks, and the moral to
this story is, 'Don't count your chickens before
they're hatched'."
"That was a fine story Sarah."

Roland, do you have a story to share?"

"Yes. My daddy told me this story about my Aunty
Sharon. Aunty Sharon was a flight engineer on a plane
in the Gulf War and her plane got hit. She had to bail
out over enemy territory and all she had was a bottle
of whisky, a machine gun and A machete. She drank the
whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break and then
she landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops.

She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until
she ran out of bullets. Then she killed twenty more
with the machete until the blade broke. And then she
killed the last ten with her bare hands."
"Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, "what kind
of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible
story?"



"Stay the f**k away from Aunty Sharon when she's been
drinking."

Pregnancy Q and A

I: Should I have a baby after 35?
A: No, 35 children is enough.

I: I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
A: With any luck, right after he finishes college.

I: What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex?
A: Childbirth.

I: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's borderline irrational.
A: So what's your question?

I: My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right?
A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.

I: When is the best time to get an epidural?
A: Right after you find out you're pregnant.

I: Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor?
A: Not unless the word 'child support' means anything to you.

I: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?
A: Yes, pregnancy.

I: Do I have to have a baby shower?
A: Not if you change the baby's diaper very quickly.

I: Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again?
A: When the kids are in college.