3yrs on. Do you feel like I do occasionally?

Do others feel occasionally the way I do would love to know how others have survived and does the hurt ever totally go away?

Two years in and the above is just how I feel....and then I looked at dates and what I had written 5 months ago about four entries up.....funny meeting myself coming back, so to speak - but I thought I would contribute (all be it in a waffley way) as it still rings a bell for me.

Sc

Must admit having a down day, two years on & all over .... Honestly think that for 2 years I''ve live on the adrenaline of the divorce & new job & tbh this year have come down with a bump (no crash)!!!

I know I do too much at work but jobs are hard to come by & I need the money to pay off all the debt & bills & kids (needs humm needs or demands not sure) & the pittance that x pays goes no where near to help in all this.

Am just exhausted from work, home, kids the constant needs of a big house & small budget & sometimes just that family unit / some one to talk to a sense of purpose rather than the constant grind.

Know I didn''t have that with x anyway but sometimes I supose you just hanker after what you haven''t got.

All this leads to a very very short fuse, unhealthy lifestyle & generally felling fed up of it all.

So yes I agree, just when you think it should all get better these things come up to bite you in the bum!!!

Mind you box of chocs, wine & hot bath no kids & a good book will get me through

Stay strong JJx

It''s been a long time since I was on here too. Been over 4 years for me, divorced finalised a while ago, still suffering from depression, lost my career when my marriage ended.
Just proved that my ex is stalking me on facebook, I set up an elaborate profile, been months in the pipe line/process and tonight he called me complaining etc etc. Why does he think that my personal life is anything to do with him? I just don''t get it, he had the affair, is still with her but dan he kicks off when I date, go out, work....it''s a joke.when he calls me, his girlfriend is always making comments in the background.....is it wrong of me to ask that our conversations be private and yes I do say tell/talk with her what you will but keep her out of our conversations. someone please tell me ...am I being unreasonable? sorry to rant on your post x

just read your post and it was comforting to think that its not only me who feels that way. Ex has got plenty of money even though he left me while I have nothing and I work long hours and have no self esteem. I am now going to start focussing on getting some fun into my life for me and that will be a benefit for the kids as well to try and lengthen that short fuse. Life is what you make it and I seem to have made myself into a miserable workaholic which isn''t helping anyone!

So here''s to taking it one step at a time and adding in some fun & laughter!

fearlessfred79 wrote:

just read your post and it was comforting to think that its not only me who feels that way. Ex has got plenty of money even though he left me while I have nothing and I work long hours and have no self esteem. I am now going to start focussing on getting some fun into my life for me and that will be a benefit for the kids as well to try and lengthen that short fuse. Life is what you make it and I seem to have made myself into a miserable workaholic which isn''t helping anyone!

So here''s to taking it one step at a time and adding in some fun & laughter!

Here here!

it took me 16 years but I got there - You will too

I looked in a couple of weeks ago, and read the searing heartbreak of the new people and then saw this thread and wanted to add what I hope will give comfort, particularly to those of you starting out on the forced march of an initially sad and horrible journey. I am 2 years 3 months from the split, final decree April this year.

I am grateful to the divorce diet. In the early days if I managed a vitamin tablet on top of the porridge I forced myself to eat in the morning I was doing well. Now I eat to please me, and it shows in a much trimmer, healthier me! My pasta habit definitely making up for lost years.

I still cry, just not those dreadful despairing wrenching sobs. I was married for nearly 30 years, and my vows were said with my heart and soul, but whilst I wish I no longer love my ex, I''ve given up trying not to. My tears come over me at odd times, but they are of short duration and just tears, and they make me feel better afterwards.

I am still in limbo because the house hasn''t sold. My ex is carrying on his extravagant lifestyle, still with his girlfriend reaping the spoils from his rapidly dwindling half of the financial settlement. I worry because he is now into significant borrowing, and if the house isn''t sold before he borrows more than the value of his share, I will end up paying for his and her fun. As he prefers to holiday rather than work, last week he lost our last remaining contract for the business that we have run with moderate success for the last 25 years together - thankfully we are the only staff. So as administrator I am left with the task of winding up the company, and then having to find myself a job - I could get really angry here, but it won''t change anything.

The drugs he was prescribed, plus those he gets from a truly appalling so called friend, I believe have taken my ex into a constant state of hypomania - he is textbook on the symptoms list. The girlfriend shares the luxury holidays, meals out and other treats, and is bought underwear and sex stuff. He declares (and not just to me) that even nearly 2 years into their relationship that he doesn''t love her, but that she is for sex and convenience. He sees her when it suits him, he has it all his way, and she is too stupid and greedy not to comply. I had his best years and find the foul mouthed monster who took him over loathsome and sordid, and she''s welcome to him. And in case you might be wondering, yes I''m still bloody angry at them both, him for betraying me, and her for embarking on a relationship with a man 2 months after the row that initially split us - she is fully culpable in the destruction of our marriage through adultery. I hope she learns a bitter lesson when his money runs out and his big talk of big deals can no longer be sustained.

Living on my own, plus working on my own, has resulted in low times. But these get less and less, and I have discovered a freedom that I never had before. And I''m using it more and more and delighting in it. I can now get up early and use the time to enjoy a wonderful contemplative start to the day with a leisurely breakfast. I have such fun with various friends on varying lengths of walks. I have taken up yoga again, and I read. The house is so much tidier, I discovered just how much I did for him when I realised how dramatically my workload had diminished.

Early on, taking advice found on here, I made an effort to care for my appearance. During the last years of my marriage, I had become an unloved and unlovely work drudge, subjected to snide put downs, the money being spent on him with me ending up wearing his cast offs - somehow I had been completely subsumed. Putting eyeliner on cry swollen eyelids is tricky, but even a less than satisfactory result made me feel so much better about seeing myself in the mirror. I can''t afford many clothes, but what I save by eating cheaper cuts of meat (still free range) and vegetarian, I save to spend on a few really beautiful things that I feel wonderful wearing. I bought my first cashmere piece recently and it''s gorgeous! I''ll leave the elegant defence of vanity to Oscar Wilde. He is quite correct, and I have discovered wholly positive responses to my much improved appearance. And you know what, it all adds up to make me a happier soul.

The loneliness of being alone is still sometimes dreadful, especially if like me you have no children, (he had a vasectomy rather than let me be a mummy) and no family. At the start I felt so frightened and had quite a few terrifying panic attacks, not being able to see or breathe properly. But they didn''t finish me off, and I have very nearly come to terms with my situation. The fear of illness is now conquered after successfully contending, completely alone, with a truly violent and debilitating stomach bug on top of a flue like cold. Weekends remain pretty empty, but actually I don''t miss the dinner party circuit, however I see someone nearly every day during the week, either to walk, meet up, or go out with. I probably make most of the arrangements and have to accept that, no one refuses though, and they could easily.

The first anniversary of our split last year took me into a big hole, I frightened myself when I realised that looking at suicide websites meant I needed more help than friends were able to provide. I was put on antidepressants. Then in November I was introduced to a man. Whether it was the tablets, tit for tat, sexual need, I had sex with him, totally instigated by me. I''m not sorry, he was a good lover and I needed that. But it was pure selfishness on my part, I had no interest in giving him pleasure. But I like him and keeping him as a friend whilst trying not to destroy his ego, has been very difficult. I was off the anti depressants after Christmas and he is wholly responsible for that. Friends encouraged me to try internet dating, well I''ve dipped my toe, been on 2 dates, completely wrong even though both the men were pleasant. It has served to crystallise my situation. I might be alone and a little vulnerable, I might sometimes be lonely, I might be poor, but outweighing all of that magnificently is my freedom! My pleasures are simple, I might not get a luxury weekend in Venice, but I do get to see beautiful places near to where I live thanks to my walking boots. And OK I would like to put on a pretty dress and be taken to a swanky restaurant by a clever, sexy exciting gorgeous man, well so would all of my married girlfriends too! So remove the pain and heartache of losing a dearly loved husband, and actually I''m doing all right.

My love and best wishes to you all, I hope you too find the peace and contentment that have been my surprise gifts.

I can''t add any new gems of wisdom or insight to the ones already offered.

What I want to say is, ''Does it matter anymore?'' The reason why and what ifs and maybes. None of us have a time machine set to that moment when ... and undo what has happened. And even if we did, hand on heart, would you want to, knowing what you know now and your hard earned new life?

Me, a resounding NO. I am 5 years down the assembly line of the grieving process and have a slight headstart over some of you.

Did I love my husband of 16 years and lover of 20? Too much. Did he love me as much, no. Did I ever know him, the real him behind the invincible, all round good guy mask, no. Was he the reliable, trustworthy pillar of strength I leaned on, no. When things got really bad with my breast cancer recurrence; what do they say, when the going gets tough the tough get going. Leaving me bald and terrified of needles to face yet another chemo session on my own, dragging my weary feet and heart onto the train to London.

Was I heart-broken and devastated and shocked like you all, yes. Did I see it coming? No, not in a million years. Would I have trusted him with my life, yes, without hesitation. Would I have taken a bullet for him, yes.

No, oddly there was no other woman. So I couldn''t even blame it on a moment''s weakness or pure lust. Rejection, pure and simple. It was all me, nothing to do with him, of course. My stubborn depression which refused to go away, and the cancer finding its way home, all that stress had made his business fail, cos he couldn''t concentrate. Excuse me, I wasn''t stressed. Hang on a minute, who''s the one with the tumour here, going under the knife a second time, poison pumped into her veins and radiation directed at her skin??

Sorry I didn''t mean to rant and rave. Guess the anger and sense of injustice just don''t dissipate over time.

But I no longer need to seek answers. In any case even if he was gracious and generous enough to throw me some titbits, the chances are they are not what I want to hear. Truth hurts and sometimes ignorance is truly bliss. And I suspect my version of ''the truth'' reads very differently to his, although we were both there for the duration. And once again, what does it matter now? It won''t make any difference to what has gone before. Choose the version that is most palatable and get on with the business of living.

Maybe because of my brush with death not once but twice and I have only turned 50, I know that life is fleeting. Why waste the reprieve I''ve received on futile regret? I feel like a prisoner on death row who has received a last minute pardon.

Does the hurt ever go away. No but it lessens and you experience it less frequently. And you know you are better when you don''t wake up thinking of him, missing him and the old life and wondering if he is indeed happier now or he has regrets. Quite honestly I don''t care anymore. I only care that my daughter and I are happy and healthy and have enough to live on.

Will I always love him? Yes. But I also realise now that he isn''t the person I thought he was and that he never loved me to the extent that I did. And he never bothered to find out who I really was.

I also found out that he was positively doing damage, destroying my self esteem, confidence and carefree spirit. I had stopped being me for fear of constant criticism and verbal attack and disapproval. I only realised this when I was crying at the GP''s and could hear myself telling him I was very happy in HK pre-meeting him. Then the awful truth dawned on me that apart from the initial honeymoon years I had been miserable and suppressed for most of my marriage. In fact it wasn''t as fantastic as I had made it out to be and perhaps losing it may turn out to be a blessing in disguise, as people kept telling me but I refused to believe.

I was like a caged bird. The jailer got bored guarding me, so unlocked the cage but I still begged to be allowed to stay behind lock and key. How crazy is that? I had forgotten what freedom felt like until I was positively dragged out to swim or sink.

Believe me I was sinking fast. It has taken me a long, long five years to tread water and then start to swim to the opposite shore. I read in one post that someone else took 16 years, which goes to show, it takes as long as it takes.

Sorry didn''t mean to rant on.

Conclusion: Yes, in time when you are ready and not a second before, you will be able to move on. You won''t be able to leave it all behind, as if it had never happened, but hopefully you''ll get to a peaceful place where it really doesn''t matter anymore. And no one can go through such a trumatic and life changing episode in your life unscathed. Of course you will not be the same person that embarked on this ''forced march'' as someone else so aptly put it, but with any luck, you would have become a stronger, wiser and kinder person.