3yrs on. Do you feel like I do occasionally?

My husband told me 1 week ago boxing day that he had a light bulb moment and then after 25 years together he said it isn''t what he wants any more. He wants to be be friends, look after me,leave me things in his will.

I then found out that on the day he left he went on a date with a colleague from work, but he is not having an affair (i don''t believe him).

Could he just be having a crisis or is he just a good liar.

Im in and out of what to do. I am calm and my husband is shocked at how calm I am. I dont want to shout and scream at someone i am still n love with.

It willbe three years for me on valentines day and my divorce was fially through a few days ago. I feel i have been on an emotional rolercoaster for all this time- loving him, hating him, wanting him back, being glad of freedom, wanting my marriage...a few days ago I joined this website and poured my heart out and one very wise person responded by telling me it wasn''t(isn''t) love i have for him, it is grief for something I have lost...I wanted the fairytale ending and it isnt there, an intermittent father with another woman in toe is not what i want for my children, but i am where i am. I''ve posted over lastcouple of days of my aim for no contact as it stirs up emotions i dont want t feel and it makes it harder. i''ve come to realise that every minute i waste fretting about what i have lost is another precious minute of my life wasted and i dont want to do that any more, he is a liar and adulterer and isnt worth it...x

I can''t sleep tonight and don''t know quite what I feel. I did learn today that I will have to wait for 8 months until our final hearing and my younger daughter is staying with my ex and the ow. Two body blows. But then I came across this truly inspirational thread with some beautiful pieces and it has been very comforting for me. It has matured like a good wine over the years since it was started.
My ex and I had a very long ending process. We lived apart for a year 4 yrs back during which time he had another relationship. We got back together for a hellish two years...we had ended emotionally (no sex) but couldn''t bear to face it I think. We just couldn''t keep it alive. I think it was more a case of I still had feelings for him but he felt little towards me. I still have feelings for him and miss the old days but I have accepted its over. He lives with my old friend now by the seaside in our old life. That feels strange. And me. I have had no contact with him for a year now and that helps. I rattle around in the FMH with its old ghosts. I live quietly and peacefully. I spend a lot of time on my own. Having spent most of my life avoiding being alone, I now have to face this personal demon and I would be lying if I said it was ok but sometimes it is. I don''t consciously think about why our marriage ended but I get flashbacks and some of these are uncomfortable so I think I am processing it all subconsciously if you know what I mean. One memory is of me always asking him to do something, you know I made use of him and I regret this now. I wish I had done more for him. I was angry with him for years because of his drinking. I should have stopped things much earlier and killed of the hope. By continuing ambivalently I was unfair to us both. I think I have learned that stopping something is sometimes better than trying to fix it. I am the classic fixer but ironically when I gave up fixing, he fixed things pretty well for himself with the help of my friend (yes another rescuer). I am less of a fixer these days, much more accepting. I accept that I am awake tonight and that is that. Tomorrow night I will probably sleep. Yes I will be tired at work but it''s Friday so the end of the week.
In summary I suppose I can say that I am lost in something I have never experienced before but I am not floundering and I am hopeful that I will be found by life again when I come back to the surface.

Hello there,

I am 2.5 years in after realising my husband was in a two year affair with a baby on the way.

When I look back I now realise that I was sooo close to a complete breakdown. So terrifyingly close. How I survived the first 10 months I just don't know, as I was totally alone. My friends and family were all a distance away, although they were constantly on the phone and would come and visit whenever possible. Really though, I am proud of how I got through.

These days I do have those times when I mourn,yes I do. I can honestly say that I no longer love him, as he became the most vile human being frankly in how he behaved, continued to lie to me and in how he treated me. So there is no love left for the man at all. That said, I reflect on our life together, the home we shared, the so - called life plan we had and I mourn. I look at others who have been together forever and know that will never ever be me now. I have a different reality, in some ways actually more satisfying than the last couple of years of my marriage.

Clearly, he didn't love me, but in truth (whilst I know I'm not perfect) I do also know that I was a good wife. Sure, not always very glamorous after hours working on the land we owned (one of the things he threw at me for justification of going off with a 25 year old), sure not always the most patient if I was tired and yes, comfortable to say when I thought his hair brained business ideas were a dud (again - his young lover supported him 100%, even though all the ideas I said were not fliers didn't fly!)

Nonetheless, I WAS a loving, honest, loyal, hard working and supportive wife, the likes of which I doubt very much he will ever have again. No surprise, the mother of his child is no longer with him.

I think we all carry grief with us and we always will. It truly is extremely traumatic and destructive, and even the strongest will carry some of it with us forever. It's just about how we manage it isn't it?

I never got satisfactory answers to anything which often de-railed me. Now I just accept that that is the way it is. As recently as a few weeks ago, he texted me saying "You were not some wonderful wife you know" (much is still being faught over legally and he'd obviously had a bad letter). A year ago, the comment would have had me feeling dreadful, soul searching, angry, wanting to scream. Now? I just think what a sad, pathetic, vengeful individual who will never understand what it is to show remorse.

There is NO justification for adultery and betrayal - none - not even if you were the worst partner on the planet. And I'm fairly sure that you were not.

Be kind to yourself. xxx