Confused.com...........

Not posted on here for a long time, but pop in to see how people are.
It is 5 years since my ex left and I still have down days and think I should be over it all now and should have moved on.
But back in Feb, my ex came back from the dark side (as I call it) and announced he wished he had never left me and our son, the woman he left me for turned out to be a controlling, alcoholic nightmare and he has spent years regreting it all......
So, after all the heartache my world was turned upside down.We have talked and talked since then, and he wants to get back wih me. The following months have been so confusing, emotional,draining.

So I find myself in a dilemma and need to hear some kind words from my wiki friends. xxx

You can have a string of kind words, and you deserve every one of them. But ultimately the decision of how you live your life belongs solely to you.

I''ve tried to put myself in your shoes and I simply can''t, because the pros and cons in my two columns, should I be in your position, are weighted so heavily in favour of the cons I would be running for the hills.

But this I will say. Rejection, betrayal and lie upon lie, in my opinion are massive mountains to dismantle. So as a friend I would suggest that it is for him to set about dismantling them and proving his worth to you without any pressure to get back into the warm family life he once valued so little. You on the other hand deserve to be courted, to be treated with love and respect. Apart from the message that needs to be at least reinforced, but maybe recognised in the first place, is just how special you are, and how very lucky he is that you are even willing to spend time with him.

So if you want to try again, go ahead with a happy heart. But learn from the past. And please take it slowly. Perhaps write your own agenda, both in terms of time as well as emotional requirement.

And above all GOOD LUCK!

Completely agree with Forester. My stbx returned after a year. He said he loved me and wanted to try again. I said he could return if he loved me and we sorted a lot of things out. Unfortunately I allowed him to return before we had sorted things. He was exactly the same. Doing exactly what he wanted, when he wanted. His heart was never in it and mine was broken all over again.
What I should have done was gone on dates, made him show me how much he loved me (or not ). I would have done anything to make it work, but he wasn''t prepared to do anything. End of.
Best of luck, your heart, your emotions and your life. Do whats best for you and your family.
All the best.xxx

Thank you for your reply.
When my ex left he had clinical depression, I could see it,he couldn''t, only now does he admit he was in a bad place.
Everything you have said about possibility of getting back together is what I wanted, but he went too quick, I think just wanting to make it all ok again.

And because I was obviously cautious, and didn''t fall back into his arms,he started seeing someone else! We talked and he stopped seeing her, but he was still on a depression rollercoaster and things not straightforward and still obviously strained. So again he thought I wasn''t committed so went back to seeing same person again! When I confronted him he said he thought I didn''t want him and I should have made it more clear. Says he thinks about me all the time and loves me to bits and just wants to be with me.

Agree with you itsbeenalongtime, I said to him,all I wanted was for him to prove to me that he loved me and would do anything to make it work, but felt it was me doing the proving that I was worthy again. He knew for ages he was unhappy with woman he left me for and had time to prepare himself to leave her and think about making it right with me, I however had the tsunami news!

I really am stupid, he left me for her,divorced me,married her, then she turned out to be unhinged, caused me and my son untold misery for 3 years. So why would I want him back?


My mind is in turmoil once again after all I have been through the past 5 years. Why do I feel so bad again?

Please be careful. Didnt he play this game at the beginning of your divorce? Telling you he loved you whilst still with the ow.

Actions speak volumes. Words dont. Dating someone else because you wont immediately commit doesnt seem to the right action to me.

Yep mrsmaths he did. He said not to hate him for dating someone as he''s been so lonely and miserable on his own and wants to be with someone. And because of his poor financial situation is talking of moving in with her....just for financial reasons.....

OMG, I really am stupid...

Im not sure he wants to be with you, it seems more like he wants to be with someone. That is very different. If he wants to be with you he should be doing whatever you want to try to make things right. Taking it slowly should mean exactly that. If he wants to be with you, why is he seeing other people?
I hope it works out ok for you. Just remember how far you have come.Look after your heart and your family. If he wants to be with you he will do the right thing and he will wait for as long as he has to.
stay strong. xx