Still hurt....

Thanks all.. It''s nice to know you''re there! Will try and live the best life I can going forward.

Declan I''m working on it!

Stay strong its... You can do this.

And yes lipstick... I imagine them skipping off into the sunset. But it''s not the first affair he''s had and he always runs away when the going gets tough. Her problem now though...

Thanks
Pebble xx

Pebbles,here is my take about things,my eventual thoughts about why I still hurt some times..

When you offer to share your lives mutually,that means respecting each other also.
With our respective spouses we all shared many things,our fears and our hopes,as well as everything in between.When that spouse betrays us and loses respect for us,we lose a part of ourselves....
Now matter how much we rebuild ourselves I still think a part of us is missing.

You have to take stock,you have divorced,sold a house,bought a new one,moved in,and all in a short time,emotionally your bound to be fragile,and you have every right also.

However his life with the OW is of no concern to you,your thoughts don''t need to be tainted with that set up,but I promise you,they are not living the life you imagine.
Our thoughts can play out massive scenarios and to us they are reality but facts are,the idyllic life they leave for,is actually nonexistent.
The lies he has told you about OW,I can sort of understand the logic behind them,because of course he is in denial of everything, and I would imagine that he would like to be amicable with you,actually your safe..
So if the going gets tough,he has to know that there is someone safe for him to turn too.
I may be way off the mark here,but when Twonk had his affair,this was of a similar story,he wanted what he thought was the excitement of his affair,but also the safety and stability of us at home....

There has been similar threads to this over the years,and for me I have to be honest I will always hurt a little,because Twonk will always carry a part of me,but that does not mean to say I have not moved forwards.
My life is full of wonderful supportive people,people who respect me for who I am,and although this is not the life I signed up for,its the life I have,and I have to make the most of what I have,and actually my life is pretty good,and I actually I really do have everything...
Your Ex said"He has lost everything " yes he has,no matter how many women he has,wherever he goes,he has lost the stability of yourself and your family,and I honestly believe that although they will never acknowledge it,they actually do lose respect for themselves...

Pebbles,this has been a bit long winded,but your entitled to hurt,that hurt will remind you,that your a sincere and not a shallow person,that you loved and respected a man not worthy of it,that you have been betrayed but you have survived,just acknowledge your hurt and silently have a self conversation with it,and agree together you can live quietly as long as does not rise to the fore too much....

Carry on the way your going,because your going in the right direction,and whatever the future holds for you,you have learnt many lessons to keep in your tool box.

I wish you peace and happiness.

Massive cwtchs
Afon Xx

Afon thank you for your thoughtful post. My STBX was having his cake (dating and sleeping with the girlfriend) while I remained at home working to pay the bills. It certainly wasn''t in his plan to get divorced - he told me he was planning to string me along until the OW was free (she''s married with a kid). I hadn''t thought that he would see me as a safety net in case things go wrong. I also thought he was trying to assuage his guilt by remaining friends with me. Now he knows how much damage he has done and that I may never be able to be friends with him in future. I think that''s upset him as well. And yes, I''m sure that his new life is not going to be what he thought it was.

I will always have a part of me that''s hurt over all this but I am trying to move on with my life. I allow myself time to grieve for the things I lost but I know that I have made the right choice. I wouldn''t want that life back now. I''ve got too much respect for myself even if he hasn''t.

Hugs back at you too
Xx

Well it''s Decree Nisi day on Wednesday... Am feeling ok so far. Am changing my name and my life to be without my STBX. I know I will cry on Wednesday but it will be the end... Seven months from discovering his betrayal to divorce. It''s been a roller coaster... But I am getting stronger each day xx

I feel your pain pebbles, I''ll be 12 months since he walked on Wednesday, I''m dreading it too.

Petition in which he''s arguing over saying he''ll defend it despite every word true.

I can''t believe how fast a year can pass and I''m still in disbelief at what he''s done but more around how he''s gone about it.

I to imagine the happy little life they''re having but as my family says I had the best of him in the beginning of 26 years, she''s having the worst of him and his temper and control that developed over the years - I try to take some comfort from this but it''s a struggle every day.

I just want the divorce and house move done so I can start a life as a single woman and mum, a new experience in my life.

Good luck xx

Tell me about it... A year seems a lifetime ago. My STBX has lots of controlling issues... But not my problem now.... Sending you hugs xxx

Pebble don''t be too hard on yourself.

Six months for such a turnaround is bound to leave you feeling you need to catch up with yourself and events. It''s all confusing at the best of times. Give it time. You will adjust, it will be gradual, and you will still have times when you are knocked back, overcome with sadness or feelings of injustice or what might have been, It''s only natural.

There is something to be said for the long drawn out divorces that some of us here have had, though obviously they have their drawbacks too. I am over 3 years down the line, and still get the shakes when I have to deal with The Respondent. These incidents are few and far between, but he is sending me letters quibbling about details of the Consent Order and so on. Other than that I am finally gaining a sense of distance, and I no longer feel like vomiting when I see his name or photo. (Or only sometimes!) (Still lose control of my bladder though...still working on that.)

Take it easy. If you cry when you get your Nisi, fair enough. By the time I got mine I was pretty indifferent.

And while for a time I felt shame at the failure of my marriage, I now am proud to be divorced from such a lowlife, and embarrassed instead at how long I put up with him.