Still hurt....

It''s been a while since I posted last and in the last month I have completed on my house, moved into my new place and my Decree Nisi is due on the 9th March. Me and STBX settled the finances as well and he wants to remain friends. He says he doesn''t want to hurt me any more.

I made the first move to contact him after nearly 6 months of no direct contact which started well but lead to us having a shouting match down the phone the day after Valentines and me left bordering on suicide. He says he has been trying to protect me by lying to me again about his relationship with the OW which has brought all the pain up again. I feel so hurt and alone while he skips off into the distance with the adulterous cow to set up home. He says he''s lost everything but I feel like it is me who has lost everything.

I know that I wouldn''t want him back to lie and cheat again so why do I still feel like a failure because my marriage ended? I have loads to look forward to. Good friends, my kids, a new business venture and my freedom. I just want to get him out of my head and I am still hurting myself by thinking of them and their new life.

My divorce took 6 months from start to finish and I''m feeling exhausted and run down. I expected to feel a bit down but the last week has been so painful. I know it will end, I just wish it was now.

Take care wikis xx

Hi Pebble

You''ve open up an old wound on it''s way to healing. No contact is best all round for you.

You are not a failure because your marriage has ended, please don''t think that. As for getting your ex out of your head, mine is still in head, but my thoughts towards him good or bad are diminishing over time. I am looking forward to the day I can concentrate solely on me.

Take care

Thanks, my friends are wonderful but sometimes I can''t tell them how hurt I still am. I think no contact is much better so I''ll go back to that and try and get on with my life xx

And I''ve changed my name too... I guess that''s probably why I feel so disorientated.

Hi Pebble
Lets examine what you feel and why.

Basically , you feel emotionally hurt and rejected. Almost suicidal as you say. The way i see it. The pain and suffering that you feel is real . However, from the moment you parted thoughts occurred in your mind. Why am i no longer loveable, what is wrong with me. From, those thoughts you started to devalue your self worth . You, subconsciously though So your belief is that a relationship will stop that.
You need to question that belief .
I did . takes work and true understanding.
Question your beliefs.... and come to your conclusions.
Can a relationship eliminate all you worries your anxieties about the future , your past pain , worry about what people think ... No it can''t , if it did everyone in a relationship would be happy. It does not mean that you cannot be happy. Its just that a relationship in itself cannot do that . You think if i got this id be happy or that id be happy but happiness remains when we get rid of thoughts that make us unhappy .When you get rid of fantasy that a relationship will make you happy then you lose a thought that is causing unhappiness.
You can be happy being single , your not lacking your not missing anything.If you can see that then watch the loneliness subside.
One day someone may come into your life , your a happy single woman strong and not needy . You will recognise those lies we tell ourselves.

Sorry , it a little long there is so much more i have learned on my single journey.
Hope it brings some comfort

Best
Dx

I had to take my form E in to sols today. I dissolved into a sobbing heap. I thought I was doing so well, obviously not. Most of it is blank or tippexed out, as I have no idea what is required or the information needed but fully aware that stbx knows everything and his form will be perfectly presented.
Driving home in our family car of 22 yrs, it was like being trapped in a box of memories. All the good times came flooding back. Asking myself over and over again how we have ended up where we are.
A year down the line and im feeling like I dont have the engery to get to the end. The thought of meeting him to discuss finances is filling me with dread and I know im going to be distraught.I really wish he would have just walked off with what he wanted and we never had to see or speak to each other. keep going, it sounds like you are on the brink of the wave to a whole new you. stay strong. x

Just a quickie, his and the adulterous cow probably don''t have the idyllic life your mind creates, I used to do that all the time, try and change your thoughts to that of him having to live with the guilt and when he''s quiet/late/doesn''t call, she''ll be panicking, she knows he''s capable of cheating, if he can do it after 22 years, she''s got no chance of ever being able to fully relax!
Their life is probably crap, and nothing like they thought it would be, and definitely not what you think it''s like.

Those thoughts helped me, and they turned out to be right.
Feel for you, I know how much it dam well hurts xx