girlfriend

A friend of mine just came over to tell me the news; he has a girlfriend. No other details, not sure how long etc. It''s bad enough without this. Not enough that he has been lying and stealing, but I''m guessing that all the sex etc will presumably be making him feel even more invincible and also although he was already spending a fortune (while not being paid) on himself, he will be spending on her also. I in the meantime am scrimping and saving as ever for me and the kids. He has apparently had to buy a new wardrobe because of all the weight he has lost. I have lost 3 stone and am just wearing the same old stuff, only baggier.

I feel very confused and hurt - as if I hadn''t been confused and hurt before.

Not sure that I should tell the children at this stage as I don''t want them asking him before I do, but my heart is in my mouth.

I know most of you will have had to bear similar situations, is there anything you can say to make me feel better?

No one here is at all surprised, they lie about the ow and they lie about the money, and we are caught by the trust habit, ingrained over so many years. And so no, nothing can alleviate the pain right now. All I, and everyone else here can do is let you know you are held tight and close, with love and warmth, in our thoughts and our hearts, and time will do the rest. I''ve pm''d you.

Yes, this is the hardest time when the reality and depth of the deceit hits home. This is also when your friends both real and virtual, will stand beside you and support, cajole, pull, push and drag you through this! Take time to let this sink in, because he''s already moved on and you''re left playing catch up and it''s hard.

Not all relationship breakdowns are the same, but there''s a lot of evidence on wiki that in their efforts to justify their betrayal, the leavers begin to rewrite the story of the marriage. Be ready for that. Some people have written about how they ''demonise'' the spouse left behind. They begin to weave a web of how the relationship was so bad that they had to leave; they''re are entitled to be happy, etc etc.

For now, just believe in yourself and what you know to be the truth. Don''t take on board all the responsibility for the marriage breaking down. Do listen to your inner voice because it''s rarely wrong and follow your gut reactions to things which may be revealed now. Wrap yourself in an invisible shawl and pull it around you and imagine nothing can get through it.

You will find courage if you love yourself and your children now and you will find strength in that love.

We''re here and we understand. xx

Eliza,

Forester and Mitch have given some wise advice. Here is Nige standing by (virtually) too.

Nothing will ease the hurt and betrayal you feel at the moment as many of us here know. However, much as you don''t want it, you now have the missing piece of the puzzle that has been tormenting you so and gives you some answers to the why question.

There are some great historical threads and advice on this site that you can read through - people that have gone through similar.

In these early days of grieving, comfort is what is required. Give yourself time in which to think about and prepare for telling the children - you only get one shot at doing it right.

Keep posting for support. Nige x

ps: Many people find the blog site helpful during these difficult times. Have a read through some if you haven''t already and if you feel like using this I am sure many of us will comment and encourage.

Thanks for all your kind posts and messages.

I am still reeling. Was on the phone till the early hours, then a friend came round at 8 for a cup of tea. Good to have friends to talk to and lean on. Just wish there was something anyone could DO to help. Something I could do. Feel pathetic that as a grown woman (50 yrs) I am yearning for someone to look after me, especially as the person who was supposed to do just that is the very one causing me all this pain.

At every stage of the game I have felt I could not cope and was going out of my mind. First coming home to find he had left. Then his not returning immediately, going to the Far East for a beach holiday over xmas (did he have OW then?!). Then announcing he wasn''t coming back. Then not getting any money. Then turns out he lost his job. Then spends £90K getting it back. Then company still not able to pay him. Then hearing from him that actually he had not been paid all this time, but he had been covering it up (while living in £400/night hotel!). Then losing his FSA status. Then finding out about - some - of his debts. And on and on and each time I have thought things could not get worse. And on it goes.

A friend of mine when I was telling this saga of bad news got as far as ''First he left me'' and interrupted to say ''you didn''t know it, but that was the good news!'' I appreciated the humour of it, but still can''t quite accept it as the truth.

Took the children out for a cheap meal last night to celebrate the end of the exams, and cried all the way through. Poor kids mortified. I haven''t told them the news. Feel sad and angry. Worried about money, health, children, and now haunted with thoughts of him taking her to the opera and then getting a blow job.

x

Eliza,
You''re not going mad, it only feels like it at the moment; stick with us and we''ll help you through this. A day at a time. Concentrate on getting through to this evening.

I don''t know how it works that total strangers can keep you going with virtual greetings and support from afar, I only know it does.

Thinking of you. xx

Eliza I am so sorry for your pain, it sounds like he is making a total train wreck of his life, except you''re the one picking up all the carnage right now. Surely he can''t keep this up for too much longer, this sounds like it''s going to end in tears soon (his this time).

The ugly truth just slowly comes out doesn''t it.... my STBX''s story started off as "I''m just unhappy, no of course there''s no one else!'' to " I am attracted to someone" to "I''m in love and I''m leaving you, still nothing''s happened as she is religious" (oh yeah?) to (finally admitted today) it''s been going on for about 8 months and yes it''s a full on sexual affair. I stopped him giving me a detailed timeline, I just walked out and drove off.

It is sad to yearn to be comforted by them too, I''ve had times where I''ve been sobbing my heart out and just wanted him to be there to hug me, like he would have done before if I''d been that upset. But hey we''ve been really hurt and it''s just human to want to be comforted when you''re suffering, it''s hard to break that yearning when they have been your best friend & partner for so many years.
V x