finances destroying my relationship part 2!

thanks for that
do you think then he pre met with the solicitor to ask him to say this because he wants to continue to support her at this level?
i was stunned at this advice as the solicitor is known to be the best around.
in actual fact it is nothing like sustainable as we are getting further and further into debt and im considering selling my house so that we can be mortgage free

Jolee

It is possible that the solicitor gave this advice as he believes if your partner were to reduce the level he has been paying then his ex could apply for maintenance pending suit which a court would then decide at what level your partner would pay.

As long as his ex can prove she has those outgoings and they are not unreasonable then a judge may award that payment until the divorce and finances are sorted properly.

In my case my ex pays me £1200 per month which is £500 over the CSA guidelines. We agreed this between solicitors as my knew that if I applied for MPS I was highly likely to be awarded it and possible even more.

I suggest you attempt to finalise the finances and divorce ASAP to potentially reduce this amount that he is paying.

I hope this helps x

Im not sure what was said- but this goes against every advice I was given by my solicitor, and also people on here.

Im going to be frank with you. If he is looking out for her, over you- then something is not right. How can you have a future with someone who is still looking after the interest of his STBX over yours?

When I left to be with my new partner- she made it very clear about what my priorities should be. 1. My kids 2. Me 3. our relationship- my ex didnt even factor in there as by supporting my kids I would enevitably be supporting her. We also sat down and did finances. I lost most of my pension and as much as I would have liked to have helped my kids through uni- I need to secure my own future. She was very straight forward with me and basically said if I didnt start looking after my own needs and self that she was out- as she wasnt going to support me so I could maintain my ex''s rather luxurious lifestyle.

Perhaps you need to have a very similar conversation?

I doubt that he had a pre meeting with the sol. Sol''s dont work like that. I suspect that yr partner was shocked to hear what the sol said. Advice from a sol is just that. Advice. You dont have to take it and you dont have to act on it. Sols are just experts in the law. The way a doctor is an expert with symptoms. Docs are sometimes wrong just like sols are wrong.

But... Your partner has set a precedence. This 750 he pays now will be taken into account at court. This is why we say to people be careful what you promise to pay. The repayments will break you.

I suspect that the solicitor pulled out of a hat the figure of 400 or so. Its lower than what he is paying now.

Everything in divorce is up for grabs. There are no hard fast rules set down what anyone should pay. As its all horse trading. But there are reasonable assumptions that can be made. And its mostly based on needs. Having a need met or not met. If say she needed an extra 50 quid for the rent then perhaps the other party would be expected to pay that. Its certainly not based on what someone thinks is a good figure. And I would suggest that 750 is excessive considering his income.

Considering his earnings only for a minute, I would say that 400 PM maint is excessive. I would say that with her earning 20K, she wont get PM. And CM in the hands of the CSA, I doubt that she would get it at all. If it was awarded, then it wont be for long.

If it was me that was your partner I would do this:

I would file for divorce. I think I remember that he has not yet started this. I would also start Ancillary relief. I think its called financial dispute resolution now. And I would stop the payments altogether.

I would contact the CSA and initiate CM payments to be assessed on the basis of the children''s ages and his earnings. And proceed with payments via the CSA. At the same time become a LIP (self repper) in court and take it thru the courts.

Of course she wont like this one bit. She will be loosing 750 and perhaps gaining 200 CSA. If that. And she may go to court and try and get an payments pending suit order against him to recover all if not some of the money as an interim payment until resolved via divorce. Then he has a chance to fight it in the court. If she looses, then this is the new precedent. If she wins, then he has lost nothing. He has it all to gain and nothing to lose.

Its going to be tough fighting her to stop these payments. She wont just roll over. But at the end of the day, if he puts the breaks on, there is little she can do.

On his side, he dont earn a stella figure. Little more than she earns. Thats the main thrust of his defence I would think. How can he be expected to start again when his wallet is being extracted from his nose. C.

positive - i really do hope you are right!

somuch2no2

that is exactly how i feel. i would love him to be able to support the kids directly but unfortunatley we cant due to the level of support he is giving her.

not sure if if feel physically sick simply becasue our debts are mounting or if its hurting that his priority seems to be her

thanks for a very lengthy reply marshy

i dont want to be the harsh partner and i have always said when kids reach 18 they dont suddenly stop costing money but its stretching us financially and me emotionally

Marshy is right.

Until you start the divorce process things are not going to change.

Maybe rather than disagreeing with your partner over the payments you can start to gently nudge him in the direction of a divorce to start things moving.

It sounds very hard for you under these circumstances and the last thing you want these problems to do is undermine your relationship with your partner.

Your partner does sound very loyal to his ex but in my eyes surely that can''t be seen to be a bad thing. That actually makes me think you have a keeper there. Should things ever sour between yourselves you would want him to treat you with respect and do what''s best by you rather than turn nasty and refusing to pay for his responsibilities.

Starting the divorce process is something you can do yourselves without the need to involve solicitors costing £200+ per hour. You can get all the forms off here and ask as many questions to the helpful people on here

Good luck