Relationship with someone going through a divorce

I have been reading the forums a while now and I can relate to many of the posts having gone through a difficult split and then sorting of assets etc. I wish I had found wiki when I was in that situation myself really but that part of my life finished 18 months ago.

I met a couple of guys since then but at the beginning of this year, I met someone who I feel I can connect with on so many levels. He''s intelligent, kind, funny, sexy and he makes me feel great about myself. Sadly he is going through a nasty divorce for the last couple of years and I can see the effect on him now that i know him better. Although we have a wonderful time when we are together, his focus and attention tends to be primarily on his divorce, communication from his wife and trying to second guess her thoughts.

I am pretty sure he''s not interested in reconciliation. He has also been very straight and told me from the start he just wants to have a good time and he is not looking for a serious relationship which I accepted.

I am finding that our relationship has become less about a good time and more about him leaning on me for support during his divorce. I care about him a lot and I miss him between our times together but I am getting worn out with the ''serious'' stuff and the lack of focus on us and what we are about.

I feel selfish thinking this way but after 10 years in a dark and fun less relationship, I dont want to end up there again.

Any thoughts or advice welcome x

Hello and welcome to Wikivorce.

I think, if he is becoming emotionally dependant on you to get through his divorce, that isn''t particularly healthy for a relationship. What happens when the divorce is finalised, and he no longer needs you as an emotional crutch?

Have you discussed this with him? Tried setting down some boundaries, ie - this weekend is about "us", and the divorce/ex-wife isn''t to be discussed?

I think you need to make sure that you are emotionally healthy, and happy - put yourself first; it''s not being selfish, it''s living your own life.

Thank you rubytuesday.

We have discussed the level of time we spend focussing on his divorce and he is aware it''s a concern for me. In fairness, he knows it''s taking up to much time but although he ackowledges it, things happen that he wants to share or talk through so the cycle never ends.

I care for him a lot and I can see he''s a good man. I''m not sure I can hang in there until the divorce is over - long way off yet - before we can have a better focus on us. It''s a real shame we didn''t meet at a different time.

The emotional crutch comment has given me a lot to think about. Thanks for that in particular.

When I meet my husband he was only just going through the divorce. We seemed to spend the next two years discussing the divorce. I found wiki in an attempt to find support.

At times I was concerned that once the divorce was over we would ha e nothing to bond us. However I am pleased to say this dint turn out to be the case and another 2 years on we are married.

The only thing that concerns me in your post is the statement he doesn''t want a serious relationship just fun. Hopefully this is just nerves.

ps Ruby. Can we have a new group. Married to divorce survivor/or divorce survivor as at present I don''t fit any of the categories.

Thank you mrsmathsisfun. A positive ending story which gave me something to think about.

I think he''s scared of getting hurt, as am I. It''s a huge step falling for someone after what I went through and what he''s going through. Time is a healer though and I know he can get through it, despite his ex wife''s best efforts.

I just need to find a way to support him and get some stronger boundaries in place about ''us'' time I think.....

idealist wrote:

I just need to find a way to support him and get some stronger boundaries in place about ''us'' time I think.....

Communication is the key in all relationships not just the type you have. Try and get him to talk about his feelings and you talk about yours. It will help you. A good relationship is based not just trust but good comms as well. C.

Communication is important, you are right, and it''s the hardest thing to learn to do well. I am finding it particularly difficult after years and years in a relationship that communication was non existent.

I had a long chat with my boyfriend and explained how I felt. He was quite accepting of my thoughts and feelings and he eventually recognised that he is not ready to be part of a relationship and would rather focus on his divorce and sorting his life out. That was all very sobering for me. I have feelings for him but I can''t be in this relationship any more, it is making me sadder each day as i feel it could be so much more. So it ended. He seemed genuinely taken aback but I am convinced it was the right thing to do.