How to tell my kids we have separated

A bit of background.
We have been separated for a year but still living in the same house and the kids don't know - two boys aged 10 and 12. I stayed in the house to be with the boys and try to win her back.
She has been having the affair for a year and has now pledged her future with him but he can't provide a home for my stbx as he's still paying for the wife and step-kids and house he left this year - so we are stuck in the house together for financial reasons. I work and she doesn't so I guess the usual rules would apply, bloke gets little bedsit, wife gets kids and house, then new man stays occasionally/a lot but hubby continues to pay for their lives in his home.
I want to take some control but I can't force a split without losing so much financially given the credit crunch, but I'm not sure I want to hang on here much longer.
I want to let the kids to know soon as I don't think there any chance of reconciliation. I want them to know how it will be when we split, but the trouble is I don't know what is going to happen, or when.
We seem to all be waiting on the BF selling his MH, but how crap is that for me? Fine for them. But ain't gonna happen quickly.
Our boys are fairly street-wise, they know something is up but don't have any idea of how serious it is actually is, so it is going to be big a shock to them.

This scares (and saddens) me more than anything I have ever done in my life.


What would you do in my position? If you have had to face this or similar please let me know how it was for you. Or if not, what would you suggest for me?

Would you continue NOT telling the kids until we had a way forward with housing arrangements, even it took months to be able to take action?
Tell them immediately for their sake and to stop keeping the truth from them? It would allow us to support each other truthfully.
Would you tell them about her BF straight away? Or not at all? Or until they are about to live together? Or we have separated?
Would it be hard on them to live for months or even years knowing we are separate but not knowing where they are going to live etc?
Would you tell them together, or should I tell them first?
Would that mean anything, getting in first? Is it detrimental to the kids, or to us?

I don't want to harm their relationship with their mum (will be hard of course given her actions), but I don't give a monkey's about him given his actions. I think I am aware of all the SHOULD DOs with kids, it all seems so unfair but I am preparing myself to bite that bullet very hard and crack some teeth in the process.

Any advice, opinions or experiences gratefully accepted.

Thanks,

supers

HI Supers

Replies in bold


supers wrote:

This scares (and saddens) me more than anything I have ever done in

Would you continue NOT telling the kids until we had a way forward with housing arrangements, even it took months to be able to take action? The childen are of an age where they will be aware tat something isnt right - if the situation of pretending everything is ok is becoming unbearable, then yes I would tell them - it is at last honest.
Tell them immediately for their sake and to stop keeping the truth from them? It would allow us to support each other truthfully.
Would you tell them about her BF straight away? Or not at all? Or until they are about to live together? Or we have separated?I wouldnt tell them immediately about the b/f - and feel that it is up her to explain that situation - of course qs will be asked as to why you have seperated, but telling them this will confuse them even more. I would thnk waiting until they are about to live together is more appropriate, as anything could happen in the months ahead.
Would it be hard on them to live for months or even years knowing we are separate but not knowing where they are going to live etc?Yes, it probably will be hard, but no harder than you having to live a lie, and them knowing something is wrong, but not knowing what. By being honest, you can include them in your plans when house-hunting.
Would you tell them together, or should I tell them first?
Would that mean anything, getting in first? Is it detrimental to the kids, or to us? Nothing to be gained by "getting in first" - my advice (and I have had to have this conversation with my kids twice, sadly), is to tell them together, and present a united front, the kids will have questions for both of you. When I was 13 my parents seperated, and I can still recall the overwhelming feeling of utter relief that the awful atmoshphere in the house would now be at an end - you children will be aware things arent how they were, and by being honest with them, you are then allowing them time before moving to come to terms with the situation, and who wants to continue to live a lie?


supers

Just my thoughts, Supers, no doubt others will have different advice to give you. Ive found that kids migt not ask qs at the time of telling, but come back later and with thier questions.

Hope its not overly traumatic for you all, keep posting.

Thinking of you - this isnt going to be easy, sadly

Ruby

I really feel so very sorry for you Supers. I do also understand what you are going through, especially the feelings about the children. I personally considered the point of having to tell the children that we were splitting up as the most awful thing that I would have to do in my life. My boys are 6 and 11 and like you my ex had found a new man.

I tried to stay in the MH, but my ex's behaviour became so disgusting and hurtful I realised one of us had to leave. More fortunate than you we had the resources (just) to get another house.

One of the differences though was that I decided to get slightly different working hours so the boys could be with me half the time. You might want to think about this. It gives you the best of both world. You see your boys alot but get time on your own/with friends. It requires a bigger effort and more work, but losts of men have are are doing it.

In your case I would not rush to move out of the MH, why should you it is your home too. Take the time to decide on what you really want.

If your ex can act with compassion and consideration towards you then try to make the best of it as the current financial situation does not lend itself to trying to sell properties quickly. You need to tell the boys. Avoid giving them 'adult' details, but don't be the fall guy either. It is your ex-wife's choice and people need to be accountable for their choices.

Like you I blamed the other man, but in truth he is probably no more accountable than your ex-wife and as he will become a significant part of your children's lives you need to keep a good balance. You don't have to like him (I certainly don't) or have anything to do with him I(again, would not give him the time of day), but don't destroy his character. It will only make things worse for everyone including you.

You have had a year to come to grips with what the reality is. Explain to your wife that the boys need to know. There is never a good time so now is the right time. Delaying for Christmas etc just delays things.

Make sure you find your own avenues for emotional support. You will need friends and don't rule out girlfriends. I was surprised how many people could easily identify with my situation. Living with cheating ex-wife etc.

What surprised me the most is how quickly the children got over it. I believe this is largely because for the most part we kept them insulated from the animosity and because they see each of us 50% of the time.

This will sound harsh, sorry, but don't complain aobut how the courts are going to treat you regarding housing etc. Their first interest is and must be the welfare of the boys. Having said that, if you take responsibility for them 50% of the time your ex-wife will not find the courts over generous towards her. They will expect her to get out and work and contribute as best she can. With children at that age she can work full time. She won't like it, but she also has an equal responsibility to their welfare and that includes finances.

Good luck, regards, Perry

Hi Supers

Its a sad and confusing time.

My ex and I separated - firstly he left us for six months for his OW and then talked his way back in. At this time we just tld our girls 10 and 8 at the time that 'mum and dad were not getting on'.

Then when he moved back he continued to be in contact so I said I had had enough and wanted a divorce.

He then insisted that I told the girls, which I did and said that we would be getting separated and selling the house, but that we would all be in the house until it sold. They were upset but knew more than I ever gave them credit for. It was a horrible period. Their father eventually told them about his affair once we had moved out of FMH into separate properties.

Now my elder daughter is 11 and she is still angry with both of us that she had not been told the truth in the first place.

My younger one 9 is not so worried but the elder one has always wanted to know what is going on and I have always been amazed that they know more than they let on.

I would advise you to tell them as much as you can in the factual sense and answer any questions they may have. All you can do is reassure them that Mum and Dad love them and they are the most important thing and that will not change. It may take time to sink in, or they may realise more than you think, but answer all the questions they have honestly and just be there for them.

Maybe it will be better to give them time to come to terms with it all than leaving it to the time that it all happens 'out of the blue'

Take care

Hi Ruby,

Thanks for replying. I can see it would be such a relief for everyone to know ... but finally for me too now that I am finally accepting it's over. I want to do the right thing for the kids but I know it is going to leave me really frustrated not being able to blame someone. Also probably a good idea not to tell them about new man yet - for me too, so I can deal with one nightmare at a time. The temptation is to do something out of spite and influence the boys so I am trying really hard not to give in.

supers

Hi Perry,

Thanks for replying - sounds like you have been through something similar. I guess I just have to just be strong through this and put up with looking after them while he can't - for very little reward, except living in my home with my kids, which if I think about it is far better than moving out. I feel I am being used financially though, so maybe she will do something about that. We do get on most of the time, and it only gets heated if I think about trying to make her stay. So that's my problem - still complete acceptance - which will never be 100% of course, but I must accept enough to take these first steps.
I know the BF is not to blame, he is present as my STBX chose him to be, it's mostly her doing as she initiated their current relationship. However, he did have a choice about the effect he had on me and kids lives by choosing to have a relationship while we were still married, and for that I can't think about forgiving him. My kids will have their own opinions when they find out too.
Telling them before Xmas is a tough one... I'm undecided but I take your point.

Cheers,

supers

Hi Mrsnomore

Thanks too. I know I have left it a long time, mostly as I wanted to save them from it by saving the marriage, and I guess I hope they will accept that as an explanation for why I didn't want to tell them sooner. They do know more than I suspect though, and I think they want to know, especially my 12 year old.
It's only now that I can bear thinking about telling them, even though my STBX wanted to do it months ago. Guess that's tells me she wasn't ever coming back. I know others have told their kids immediately but I knew I had to get my head around it first. If I had just reacted I might well have tried to persuade them there was right and wrong with what's happened and to blame her, whereas now I am nearly at the place where I can avoid blame when I tell them. I hope my STBX feels the same.

supers