To claim or not to claim... Any thoughts

I don't think there is particularly an issue about whether or not it is fair for one child to have this money saved and not the other. The two children are already in different circumstances: one is not living with both his parents and the other is.

On the other hand, as nocash says, the mother presumably has mental health problems. Whether you should go to the CSA or not probably depends on whether doing so would make her less able to parent your son properly when she does have contact.

Best wishes,
Sadie

Good Afternoon All,

Thank you for your comments and points of view. Further to what has been said let me clear a few details up.

Only my eldest comes from the first relationship, my younger son comes from my current relationship.

Within my household both boys are treated exactly the same, both have had bank accounts since they were born and I put money aside for both of them on a monthly basis as do my partner and my parents. This is always done evenly, although me elsest has more money in his account as he has a 3 year start on my youngest! Both boys are aware of how things work and the intention is for them both to get access to their accounts when they turn 18 to use for a first car/university/very good holiday/start business or just blow on fast motorbikes and a good time, the choice will be theirs... I don't suppose it will be a huge amount but it is something we all want to do for them both.

Concerning my ex,whilst the relationship between us can appear ammicable at times any attempt at communication regarding finance (or other subjects where our views conflict) results in either a strop, insult throwing or total blanking on her part. Past experience has shown that handling things via legal means such as CSA has been most effective as it removes the potential for conflict and any potential accusations of illegality etc in the future. In this case sadly I feel a mutual agreement is not possible, so it would be via CSA of nothing.

Nocash - I wish you every success with your own case and if your experience is anything like mine has been you have my deepest sympathy. The year long court battle was only the next step to what had been 5 years of Absolute hell knowing things were not right with the care for my son but being totally unable to step in in any meaningful way to put a long term solution in place.

Moving forward the ex is involved in my eldests life as much as she wants to be... I try to keep her involved and informed as much as I can but it is not always easy.

My personal view is that my son is my son and it is my duty to look after him the best way I can. I did not plan on having children at that time, the situation was less than ideal when I discovered I would be a father, but I have done everything I can for him and always will. I have always paid CM without prompt, have provided school uniforms, clothes and anything else he needed which was within my power to provide (Anything/Everything he wanted is another matter totally much to his dismay! ). The CSA were involved previously upon my request following ever increasing demands for money and fruadulent claims of non payment. I have always been involved in his life and maintained regular contact from the day he was born. I am fortunate enough to be in a position where myself and my partner do not need my ex's CM to make ends meet, BUT, I do feel she should contribute to something for him. I fully agree that ideally this should be a volentary thing, but sadly it appears that it will not be so.

Until recently I had left the whole thing well alone, glad for the resolution the court had reached regarding residence and leaving it at that. Now as time moves I have found myself thinking more about this circumstance and wanting to provide what is best for my son's future.

From my side I do not believe that this is coming from a need or wish to rock the boat or score points against my ex for percieved slights in the past, but it is always hard to be completely neuteral in a situation to which you are so close. This is my reason for raising this on here.

Thanks for all your input so far, I really appreciate all your time in repsonding to me.

With Thanks and Kind Regards

Dave

Hello,

I thought maintenance was to be spent on the child- clothing and feeding your son. So in my opinion you should talk to her see what you get.

If you can afford to save for both your kids that's your look out.

I'm sure, as others have said, that if the boot was on the other foot you would be paying at least 15% of your net pay.

xx

Hi Vivi,

Thanks for your comments, it is indeed inteded for that purpose, at least some of my earlier comment was in jest. Sorry, bad humour is a talent of mine! :-S

Concerning saving for the boys, I mentioned this in response to earlier comments and my idea of putting any money recieved in my sons account for his future. Sorry if this has caused offence to anyone.

I was indeed paying my 15% plus when the situation was reversed, I have no issue with this.

Given everyones comments perhaps it is worth one last attempt at talking about it prior to going down the CSA route, but to be honest I am already half expecting the explosion I think will follow! :-s

Cheers

Dave

sod the explosion! go for it! I cannot believe that his mum wouldn't want to contribute financially in some way.

And if you can afford to put this to one side then so be it. I mean if you were screwing her into the ground financially whilst saving her contribution then that would be different.

To suggest savings to her just underlines that you do not 'need' the cash, so maybe think about your wording. But if she works and has an ok life then damn right she should contribute.

Or maybe ask her to keep him in school uniform and pay for his swimming lessons.

A friend of mine begrudged payments to an extent to his ex wife as she had married again to a financially stable man and had 2 more kids. He didn't want his money being put in the 'pot'. So he opened an account for her and he instructed the mother that this was her clothes fund. In my opinion everyones a winner!
I also knew a man who's half brother inheritated a huge huge sum of money when his gran died. He didn't split his cash 50/50 but he sorted his brother out with a nice sum cos that's the way they were brought up.

It's life, your right for keeping it fair but some where down the line it won't be and hopefully your boys will be close enough to deal with it.

I'm rambling now!

Do it! speak to her then CSA!

xx

Thanks Vivi,

I agree on the savings thing, duly noted. Also, I would not wish to bankrupt her, that would be detramental to the time she does actually spend with our son and also unfair from my point of view.

The school unform/school clubs/clothes type approach has been attempted, and on one occasion accepted as well, but nothing every actually turns up in terms of either money or clothes/club payments. I never actually expect it to work so up until now have just shrugged it off.

Thanks

Dave

you know what Dave I recon you just leave well allown. We know what's morally right! I sure she does too! You don't 'need' the cash so save this head ache for a rainy day when you do have a 'need'. Which, hopefully, will not happen. Your boy is hopefully happily oblivious. I think that it will just pain you in the long run, when at 18 one has more than the other.

Part of me is screaming 'make her pay!' but bottom line is you don't seem that bothered or that affected financially by her not paying.

So honestly? is this really worth the hassle to you?
Thing is CSA aren't a speedy service. If she got wind would she just jack her job?

x