What costs does Child maintenance cover?

It's totally agreed

Men (not all) generally just need a nudge. It truly is forgetfulness not vindictiveness. Many women seem to make up in their own mind what is going on without communication. Before you know it - it's all around friends and family that the ex is paying nothing and everything is hugely out of proportion etc etc when truly he has just forgotten that a month has past and asking for the payment nicely or a gentle reminder rather than telling and demanding seems to work

Dangle carrot not beat with stick.

Vicious circle

Treat other as you wish to be treated

I am very proud of how stable my kids are.

There is no playing me and dad off against each other as we communicate and have often sat down together to go through a problem that has arisen with our child. What they see is mum and dad united, we have usually communicated with each other how we are going to deal with it, sometimes we go with dads approach sometimes mine, depending on what our child has done or how it needs to be handled.

It's about listening too, to the children and to their dad. Sometimes I get very emotional and I can be reactive and I need to be 'told' to stand back. Through experience, I do, (most times). I don't automatically think I know best for my children, I listen to what dad wants, and it worked exceptionally well particularly when choosing senior schools, dads reasearch proved invaluable and our son excelled at the school his dad chose.

The kids know they have the freedom to talk about dad, his girlfriend, her children without reproach or condemnation, they were taught by both sides how to buy thoughful presents for the other parent and now that they are older they have more of a say in where they want to spend Christmas (not such an issue now that Santa isn't real), if we have an event both on the same day the boys are given the choice where they would prefer to go.

My older son has a half sister on his dads side and they go to the same senior school, and for the last 3 years she has had a key to my house for after school so she can let herself in and wait for dad to pick her up, she is our extended family.

It works for us, we have all had to bite our tongues at times, and we have stood our ground at times, but most of all we have talked and put the kids first at all times.

Wow Mwahppet - fantastic! it CAN work!

It was very naughty of me to venture off topic, but I couldn't resist

Sorry Hannah - back on track now ......

I won't pretend, my divorce has been far from perfect and my daughter suffered. I'm still trying hard to resolve things with her now but we have made massive headway. I have learnt substantial lessons.

As you said being reactive was one of my biggest problems. I now try to hear, absorb, think about and then decide.

Which is why I am trying to help both sides in my partners divorce. I can be objective rather than emotional in their circumstance and i fell in all the usual traps but I have learnt from that the hard way.

I don't want to see his boys hurt like my daughter was.

Kids need both parents if at all possible.

I'm so much more objective and focused on the important things ie my daughter not the fairness of a situation or the maintenance.

It's a healing process and to be quite honest how was my daughter going to be happy when I was so unhappy. I was totally selfish and I'm ashamed of that now.

Somebody told me you go through stages with divorce grief, anger, loneliness and then come to terms with it. I would say that is true.

Not sure what it was that enlightened me. Maybe it was closure that changed everything.

Time heals.

Ah the whats does maintenance cover issue.

We also have to play the games Mwhappet describes, always have to think about what to return the children in because we never see it again. Toys disappear into a black hole.

The problem is due to the contact arrangements the children turn up in school uniform and leave in casual clothes, result we have great piles of school uniform and no casual clothes. You would think the answer would be

a) send the children some casual clothes in bag to return home in

or

b) occasionally have an amnesty and swap the clothes back.

What happens is we return uniform, when my partner requests some of the casual clothes back, she has a major ''you are so pathetic, what do you want me to do strip the children bare when they arrive home'' headfit from the stbx.

We cant afford to continue to replace lost clothes so have to resort to changing the children into what ever they arrive in to send them back. Its horrible having to make children put on school uniform on a Sunday evening.

My partner has tried to explain the situation but she just cant see the problem. We are considering drawing a diagram to demonstrate the problem because telling her isnt working.

The problem is that the issue is causing the divorce to be stalled as she keeps screaming that she cant afford to buy all the children clothes etc and needs a larger share of the assets to compensate for her additional costs.

The stbx has done the opposite to your partner ex in that she was working 30 hrs a week when they separated, the house was sold and the large amount of equality split 50/50 with agreement and my partner was paying all the childcare costs in lieu of CM, now she receives CM and has to pay her own childcare (my partner covers his days) she has reduced her hours because ''the children dont like'' after school club.

I too have had an amicable relationship with my ex and we are able to parent cooperatively whilst despite being divorced.

Jaymdee,

I am so glad we aren't the only ones, I make sure we wash and iron the kids uniforms so they look super smart going home as I feel absolutlely awful on a Sunday evening seeing the three children putting on a uniform instead of just being able to go home in what they are wearing, but we have no choice, she refuses point blank to return clothes, (I don't know what she does with them as the children never seem to wear them again or be able to find them, so I think they get binned). She will not provide spares for them to go home in.. so the vicious circle continues, the only way we can make it easier is to scrutinise what goes back and if we mess up, oh well... the sad thing is whatever they bring from mummys is ALWAYS returned as we just wouldn't put the kids through the trouble it would cause.

There is an issue with the eldests mobile at the moment, (she is 8 - far too young for a mobile in my opinion) mum sent it so she could have continued contact with the eldest child, (see previous posts regarding telephone contact - all about control)We left it on the bookshelf so 8 yr old could have it whenever she wanted, she didnt look at it once, not once... so to us it was obvious who needed the contact and it wasn't the 8 year old, so dad pops it into one of the bags and off it goes back to mummys, only... mummy couldn't find it, so the abusive and demanding texts and emails start, 30 in less than two hours.. next day, 20 more... 8 yr old is told daddy has thrown your phone away, he doesn't want you to speak to me, he's nasty, don't trust him... blah blah blah..... then all of a sudden the messages stop... why?..... cos mum found it it the bag after dad said "ring it"...

No apology, nothing... so all the accusations and vile messages, the nasty things said to the 8 yr old about her daddy are to be ignored and forgotten...

Thats what we live with week in and week out...

Our latest row is over a pair of shoes!!

My partner pathetic apparently because he wont 'share' a pair of trainer. She 'has had' (actually chose to buy) to pay £46 for a pair of boots for casual weekend wear for the daughter and now we 'should' buy the son a pair.

My partner explained that we has already bought boots and shoes for both children (cost about £30 for both!!) and that he thought they needed casual shoes at both houses, because of the difficulty of making sure the correct items appear at the correct time, They come in school shoes, so would need to remember to take casual shoes in bag to school, which just not going to happen, so children would end up with only school shoes to wear.

Can she see it NO, she just expect to buy what she wants and he has to hand over the money no questions asked, because the £490 a month she receives in CM, TC (only the minimum payment of approx £40 because she earns to much to receive anymore) and CB just isn't enough to pay childcare costs (£75 a month) feed and cloth the children, she needs my partner to pay another £300 a month in CM.