What costs does Child maintenance cover?

Hannah Morton wrote:

Sorry it's very easy to have forum conversations and forget people do not know you or the history in the case.

The reason the childcare has recently become an issue is because my partners ex wife used to work part time and beable to collect the children from school.

At the time the divorce was agreed etc it was assumed she would be working part time - this was considered in settlements - earnings, pensions, house etc etc

As soon a the divorce was agreed she started to work full time. So childcare has now appeared as a issue.

oooh

Hi Hannah,

Unfortunately you are far from alone on this matter, we have been 'stuck' for 18 months now..

We now have totally separate items (many duplicated)... one set for mummys house one set for daddys house as mummy just found it absolutely impossible to send the children with decent clothes, no comforters, no favourite toys, etc, so that they do not feel neglected or second rate (as some of clothes mummy sent were only fit for the rag man). This again has it's draw backs as if they end up going home in something that we bought, it is never to be seen again, if the lunch boxes go home by mistake they are long gone and we end up having to replace them again.

Presents that the children have had bought for them and want to show mummy (we allowed this to begin with) and then they just disappear off the scale, never to be acknowledged as ever existing and the children can't find them to bring them back..

So now everything is very calculated, the children come to us on a school day in school uniform once a month, and once a month when they have their long weekend, they have to go back in their school uniform as we are constantly losing three sets of clothes (there are three children) once a month and we just cannot afford to do that. We have asked mum to send clothes for them to go home in, and that has been completely refused as an option.

Many times no coats were sent, so now they have spare coats, wellies, hats, scarves and gloves for them at daddys. We now accept we have the kids in whatever they turn up in (never the best clothes) and those are the clothes in which they go home in. If anything gets sent to mummys by mistake, we know its gone, so we don't even ask for them back anymore.

The CSA won't help, the view that she is receiveing CM, CB etc and that should be taken into consideration is a joke.

If you read some of my posts my bf actually applied for and won a third of the CB. This again has caused numerous problems. But then again I think we both know that this is the precedent for the next however many years because with my bf's ex it will always be something.

Your partners ex is not going to compromise with you so its head down and get on with it, supply what you want the kids to have at your house and keep it there. The kids will know very quickly what is theirs at daddys and what is theirs at mummys.

You won't win this battle so don't try, there will be many a bigger battle to fight....

WhiteRose

Thank you

I will be honest

Sadly it was not reasonableness or communication that got myself and my ex partner to a system that works it was more a realisation that this bad feeling had to stop and life goes on.

For the sake of a happy household and my sanity I would rather take on board the responsibility than bang my head on a brick of this never ending cycle of what's fair. It's a much better feeling and it brings a sense of inner calm. Worth more than an extra few quid here and there.

We all look at it not being fair to each of us - really the only people we are not being fair to are the children. They chose none of it.

I'm also much further down the road post divorce than my new partner so all the initial raw emotions have died in our situation. The occasional outburst but nothing major.

Sadly everything is repeating itself and now I'm the outsider looking in.

As I don't want to be brought into their agreements (or disagreements!!)I do not want my arrangements to be used as what's right or wrong as you can imimagine - the last thing his ex wife wants to hear is Hannah does this or Hannah does that.

I was just trying to appease the situation by fact so then I wasn't deemed as interfering. As truly I have no idea what the right answer is.

For all it's failings the CSA website did used to contain a lot of useful information including staff manuals. Over the last three or four years bits of info have been updated and details left out and now the CSA website has closed. There is information at CM Options but it doesn't go into as much detail as there once was.

What I said above is in line with what the CSA website used to say. It helps if you know that historically in the days before the CSA the courts apparently would add up all the households income needs and divide it by the number of persons living in the house to arrive to identify the income needs of a child. Of course things have moved on since then, parenting is more often shared and tax credits have been introduced.

The difficulty is that circumstances differ so there can be no one solution that suits all families. For example, a parent with the majority of care who earns too much to be eligible for Working Family Tax Credits or the child care element etc and pays everything themselves would be in a very different position to someone who does. Likewise an NRP who cohabits would be in a different situation from one who doesn't.

Mwahppet - I sympathise and agree with your post - however the thing that gets me (& maybe Hannah) - is that she has made it work with her ex. It has to be so confusing for her partners kids to see how things work with her kids - how confusing for them!!

WR x

Yes I completely understand, I am in the unfortunate position of have two exes, but in the very fortunate position of having a very amicable and friendly relationship with both.

Both have free and easy unrestricted access to their children, both have willingly contributed to the cost of bringing up their children, everything is shared, if they go on holiday with their dad I pack them a case, hand over their bikes, boogie boards, wetsuits, whatever they want to take, give them spending money, invites are extended to events the children are involved in and it is so good for my boys. Occasionally the guys have need a nudge to bring some stuff back but only due to absent mindedness not nastiness.

No conflict, no animosity and the boys are put first each and everytime.

So when I see what my bf's ex is doing I am totally flabbergasted that someone (especially a mother) could overlook the needs of their children so badly.

Mwahppet wrote:

Yes I completely understand, I am in the unfortunate position of have two exes, but in the very fortunate position of having a very amicable and friendly relationship with both.

Both have free and easy unrestricted access to their children, both have willingly contributed to the cost of bringing up their children, everything is shared, if they go on holiday with their dad I pack them a case, hand over their bikes, boogie boards, wetsuits, whatever they want to take, give them spending money, invites are extended to events the children are involved in and it is so good for my boys. Occasionally the guys have need a nudge to bring some stuff back but only due to absent mindedness not nastiness.

No conflict, no animosity and the boys are put first each and everytime.

So when I see what my bf's ex is doing I am totally flabbergasted that someone (especially a mother) could overlook the needs of their children so badly.

Hannah & Mwhappet - I don't wish to hijack, but take a small detour - because you're both in similar situations - I wonder if you have seen the difference in the kids (behaviour/outlook/personality/happiness etc.) between one set of kids (yours) where the situation works and the other where there is angst?

WR x