Well - here I am.......

After 19 years of marriage and 5 years together before that my wife has decided she doesn't want to be married to me anymore. She admitted to me last month that she had feelings for someone else (who just happens to be someone I know) but they have only chatted and met up a couple of times. We talked non stop over the Easter holidays (and for the following week) with the end result that she wanted to stay with me and that she loved me. She told the other guy there was no future in whatever they were doing and she was staying with her husband. Fast forward to Thursday 7th May.

She informed me on the evening that she didn't want this after all and wanted to go her own way. I asked her if it was for the other guy and she said not. We talked again for the next day as well and she went out for a long walk on the Friday evening (not possible for her to walk to this other guys place - too far) and when she came back she said she needed to go somewhere (hmmmm) and would explain everything when she got back.

I thought she must have realised that she wanted to be with me and was going to tell him but when she got back she said she couldn't tell him. She says she loves me but she thinks she is falling for him. What the hell do I do. I have told her just how much she means to me, she says she loves me and I am her best friend but it seems to mean nothing. We are both still in the house and talking amicably but we are in seperate rooms and she wants to press ahead and sell our beautiful home. I feel lost and keep crying.

My life is disappearing down the toilet and I don't seem to be able to do anything about it. It seems so senseless, we love each other, we are each others best friends and even now still have a belly laugh together, yet she appears to not want to try and save our marriage.

Sorry for the long post (this is seriously abridged). I needed to vent.

Cheers.

Hi noteasy

Welcome to Wiki. I well understand the need to vent! I had 18 years of marriage before my wife had an affair and has now left for the other guy. I was also her best friend....but it is amazing how she then proceeded to treat me like dirt! The same thing has happened to lots of others on this site (men and women).

Often people find that the words 'I have only chatted with x' turn out to be a pack of lies (I am just preparing you for the worse). The thing you will find in all this is that you know your wife as she was when you were happily married, but you will not know what this other person is saying to her and what strings he is pulling. This can then totally change her! The guy my wife was seeing had cancer (treatable) but he played on that to keep reeling her back in....I tried to win her back but everything I did was wrong - at one point she turned round and told me that she wished I'd died of cancer (nice eh!)

It may be that your wife doesn't behave like mine and like lots of other spouses who go through this phase.

Do you have kids?

S

No kids....neither of us wanted that and it was discussed from the outset.

I can only hope this isn't going to turn out like that

There are lots of common themes in marriages that breakdown after around 20 years. The 'I love you, but I'm not in love with you', the 'We have only chatted', the 'Lets stay friends'. The list goes on..... That said there are people who do manage to sort things out and have a stronger marriage. The thing is most of us on here haven't managed to do that!

The bottom line is whether both of you take your marriage vows seriously and want to work at it. It is very difficult, if not impossible to repair the marriage with someone else lurking in the background.

Divorce is painful, especially when you have children.

I seriously hope you can fix things, but the first thing is she must stop seeing this other person and be honest about making the marriage work. If she isn't then a marriage doesn't work if only one person is committed to it.

But, there is life after divorce!

Keep posting if you want any advice, or try the chat room.

Good luck

S

Good Morning to you,

My wife left me and my two boy's at the begining of the year. We have been together 18yrs, married for 16.

This site has been a life-saver and the advice and support I have been given has really helped me.

In some ways my situation is similar to yours. My wife told me that that she was interested in someone she worked with back in January, but that nothing else was going on.

As the months have gone by my wife is now out of the marital home having confessed to having an affair as well as constantly cheating and lieing to me and my boy's. The person I am now dealing with is not the person I married or love.

Be careful. Do not get sucked in to false promises it inevitably turns out to be a charade. There are so many similar incidences on this board and in general terms human behaviour is predictable.


Itgetsbetter has helped me with his experience and given the 5 months of crushing pain and hurt I have just endured I would advise you to be careful and make sure you look after yourself.

I am just begining to see a very small light (and I mean small) having endured the roller-coaster of emotions which are all natural.

Look after yourself - unfortunately during the past 5 months I have lost almost 3 stone so you do need to watch and take care of yourself.

Good Luck
Brunswick.

Thanks ! I will try to follow what you say but I am still too much in love with her to listen I guess. I am still willing to forgive her anything so long as we can try to sort this all out. I guess its my call and no-one can say they didn't warn me if I get hurt over and over again. I am currently writing her a long letter trying to explain how I feel for her and how much I want to make things right between us.

Bit pathetic huh !!

I will keep fighting for my beautiful, gentle wife until I have either no fight left or all hope is gone.

As for weight loss, if I lose 3 stones I would probably get knocked over by the next decent gust of wind

One of the things people like about me is my sense of humour and I have vowed to myself that through all of this I will not lose it. Apologies if it makes light of the situation you found yourself in, I really mean that.

hi noteasy.
Your sense of humour will prevail but may be it will be dormant for while.
I lost 3 stone, but am going to the gym and training and determined not to put it back on. Think it might be kind of funny to turn up for the kids one day and show her what she isnt getting anymore. But hey thats a bit of selfish satisfaction.

I wouldnt give her the letter, seriously, it will not do any good, I am sure you have talked to her or tried and has that done any good. Write the letter, read it out loud to yourself then tear it up into tiny pieces. do it.
if she had feelings for you and wanted tomake things right between you, she would. There is only one person who can change the path direction and that is her, she knows she can but has decided not to so keep your dignaty intact and do not give her any letter.
S