Well - here I am.......

Keep your sense of humour.

No one can tell what you to do but people on here can advise. I did everything and more to keep my wife and family and she just took advantage of me. In the end my wife just became very cruel and seemed to enjoy hurting me and the boy's.

The behaviour seems to be based around their guilt and they will go to extreme lengths to unload it - preferably on their spouse. After months of begging my wife to re-consider I have now cut-off all contact with her for the foreseeable future and I must say it has worked for me and is driving my wife mad as I now have the control.

In my experience the more you "chase and beg" the more they will throw it back in your face. I do understand your pain and anguish but be very careful. The knock-backs are even more painful.

I have now had almost zero contact with my wife for almost 6 weeks. She called me late on Monday night in a terrible state but I still maintained the "cold love". I have heard nothing since other than she is now an emotional wreck and is now trying to make contact with my boy's who have shunned her.

It is hard but she chose to break us up and I am now constantly reminding her of that through the no contact.

Stay strong.
Brunswick.

Hi Noteasy,

Just like to say I hope you can work things out with your wife because you sound like you love her loads - but remember she needs to love you loads too!

You sound like a level headed guy so be cautious - listen to the good advice given by itgetsbetter and brunswick.

All the best.
Rainy

Brunswick wrote:

Keep your sense of humour.

I have now had almost zero contact with my wife for almost 6 weeks. She called me late on Monday night in a terrible state but I still maintained the "cold love". I have heard nothing since other than she is now an emotional wreck and is now trying to make contact with my boy's who have shunned her.

It is hard but she chose to break us up and I am now constantly reminding her of that through the no contact.

Stay strong.
Brunswick.

But do you want to punish your wife ? Do you have no hope of reconciliation ? I don't want to get back at her or make her feel bad despite what she is doing ? I love her and don't want that.

I am taking the begging thing on board and I told her last night that I wouldn't beg but would continue to work hard to try and save this. I don't think that is begging ?

One thing I didn't mention is that she went through a very painful time over the last 12 months with her mum (they only had each other for the whole of my wifes life). Her mum died very slowly through Alzheimers last year and we are coming up to the 1st anniversary of her passing. Could this have anything to do with her totally out of character behaviour ? I was considering going to see her priest (I guess as much for me as well as I desperately need to talk to someone who knows her and won't instantly judge).

Note

There is the dreaded mid life crisis, which some people believe in and some don't. I believe in them and I believe my wife went through one, as her behaviour and outlook changed so much. A death of a loved one can often trigger a mid-life crisis.

I know in our situation we had a close friend of 44 who was diagnosed with cancer in early 2007, my wife also had an Uncle who was dying of cancer at this time, and her grandmother was very ill. She started her affair in 2007, in the months after when I was trying to forgive her we had one very traumatic day when we had our friends funeral and her Uncles funeral on the same day at the same crematorium, they were actually back to back funerals so it was out of the back of the chapel, and back round to the front for the next one.

I tried my hardest to forgive her but it was almost like she didn't want to be forgiven and was in a destructive phase as she kept going back to see this guy and that destroyed the trust. In a mid-life crisis it is quite common for the person to be in a state of mind where they do not want to be forgiven and are in denial about the while situation.

Please note that what I have said on mid-life crisises is purely my opinion backed up by some research and relating it to what I have experienced.

It may well be that your wife hasn't come to terms with the death of her mother and his now obsessed with her own mortality. I would encourage you to seek professional advice on this matter.

All the best

S

thanks once again for your input. I am trying to go down the professional help route but I am trying to get her to go without seeming to pressurise her as that could have a negative reaction.

Cheers

Have to agree with bobbinalong about the letter. im a big letter writer, sometimes it was the only way to get him to listen to my point of view but i wrote one recently ( i left my hubby 2 months ago after 22years together) sent it to him. He digested it, visited me and kids, spun us a load of lies then went back to the oW told her everything id written and they have since thrown it all back in my face during the course of a very drunken (on their part)abusive row outside my new home in front of my kids. So write your letter, then tear it up as advised. The sooner you accept that nothing you do is going to alter the way your wife is acting the sooner you can begin to get on with your life. All this hand wringing and tryng to persuade her she is wrong is only hurting you. Let her go, if she comes back great. Chances are though youll have moved on anyway and wont want her. Good luck. Be strong.

Hi noteasy

I don't normally say too much about my own life on the forum here but for some reason your post has touched a chord with me. Write your letter, pour your heart into it if it helps ...I did one myself after advice from a counsellor and it did help. However think very very carefully about sending it. I wrote mine for me, to help get all the very difficult emotions out and for me it did help a lot...I'm not normally one to write, have never kept a diary etc so was something quite different and ultimately helpful. BUT ... I would never have sent it to the ex. It wouldn't have made a bit of difference except for me to feel even more humiliated later on I think.

Regarding your MIL's death. Yes that can have a very bad effect on your wife especially if they were close. My dad who I was very close to died a year or so after we had separated and even though it was expected, it had a devastating effect on me. I don't like to say the word breakdown but combined with everything else that was going on at the time...that's what I've been told it was by the doctor/counsellor. I'm not making excuses for your wife's behaviour, but for me, at that time.. turning to another man, even though my husband wasn't around... just wasn't on the cards at all.