i am so so depressed

hello
my husband of 20years, been together 22 and have 3 teenage children has told me that throughout our marriage he has had lots of affairs and one night stands but that he doesn't want to have any more and he realises he loves me.
i am 6 stone overweight and work part time, but haven't worked for a while because i have been down and also my weight makes it difficult because my feet and legs swell up.
i was lovely when we met (he is a fireman) but throughout the years I have just got more and more down. He is the type of man who has always made me feel stupid and we have to spend all occasions and sundays having meals with his family. they make me feel fat and ugly. last week a chair creaked and his mum said that must be Lisa! i laughed along with them, but it hurt.
when i met him he told me he was single, but it turned out he was married. when i found out he was married i told his wife and apologised. but she said she was seeing someone else and didn't want him back! he had a 3 year old boy at the time and i looked after him when ever i was asked.
the point is, i feel dragged down by my husband and have for many many years. i knew about a one night stand 18 years ago and did kick him out then, but he begged me to take him back and i did! i did not know about any of the others.
the thing is I would love to be alone with my daughters aged 17 16 and 13, but they are cruel to me, say things like I am fat because i sit down all the time - i think i am fat because I eat for comfort.
also we have 4 dogs. they are lovely, but i couldn't cope with dos, children, house and working. i know i couldn't, especially considering my size.
i have no family at all and i have a feeling that is why he has treat me so badly. when he met me i had a house and car etc.
he has told me the last woman he tried it on with was 10 years ago and he certainly wouldn't do it again.
should i trust him and just try and forgive?
sorry for the waffle, i would like to run away but i know that is not possible. i would just like to pick up one of my little dogs and go, but i know i cant. but the thought of looking after the children, who dont seem to like me, the house, dogs, etc, is too much. i know i couldn't do it. my husband says if i divorce him he wouldn't be able to see/help the kids because he wouldn't be able to cope with seeing me.
and let me tell you now - i am nothing, just a fat mess, have been for years, only wash my hair when i have to and hardly wash my self to be honest if i can get away with it. but i was like this before he told me all this, so i can't blame that.
why would he want to stay with this mess? why did he tell me? why doesn't he want to go off with one of these women?
anyone out there able to say anything to help?

Hi So Very Tired

I'm so very sorry to hear your tale of sorrow - you're certainly being tried to max at the moment. And I thought I had things hard!

First things first, have you considered going to a doctor and talking to them about how down you feel? They will be able to suggest different ways of getting you back to your old happy self. They might also be able to suggest different ways to lose weight, if you so wish, starting with gentle exercise or a sensible eating plan?

I think it's important that you get yourself back on track before you tackle any of the other issues in your life. Your health comes first.


So, can you forgive your husband? Only you know the answer to that one, and it will involve some serious soul searching. Just remember, that if you do decide to leave him that you will still be entitled to some of his earnings/savings etc, and maybe even the house, and that you can also receive help via benefits.

Why did your husband choose to tell you now I wonder? I'd ask him why he felt it was necessary to tell you now and tell him just how it's made you feel.

I know what it's like to spiral out of control and feel so very bad that you don't know what to do, but believe me, you CAN get better.

Start with going to the shops and buying a really lovely shampoo and bubble bath. Really indulge yourself and try to relax. When you're feeling calmer and up to your neck in bubbles try to calmly think about what you really really want from the rest of your life...

And if you ever need an ear to bounce your thoughts off, or just a shoulder to cry on, you know where to find me

Stay strong

hi, thank you for your reply.
my husband said he couldn't keep it secret anymore. the women he has had sex with he says include some of my friends of yesteryear. he says he had no respect for women.but he says he wont do it again, which i suppose is good.
the problem is i havn't loved him for years, well he makes me feel pointless and worthless. or i make myself feel this.
although i might say i forgive him, i don't really and never will. but i am 49 and will end up staying with him simply so tht its easier for the girls. he has always waited on them hand and foot. i can't possibly, don't have the energy, so fat.
i don't want to die, just couldn't care less whether i do or not, just so tired and sad and unhappy and fat and feel i have no reason for living.
going to get some antidepressants from doctor tonight. just need to get through the next few years i suppose until the youngest leave school.

First of all welcome, you have come to a wonderful place where you will meet other people in the same situation, now calm down and read back your message. You are about to self -destruct.
You are a human being and need love and affection from your family & friends, STOP, do not let them do this to you. You are a wonderful person. You are very much down and need some help.
This sounds like a cry for help, you feel like running in one direction, as far away from your family as possible, but really I dont think thats what you want, as you say you want to just be with your children,and ask if you should forgive your Husband. You sound desperate to be together. You are stuck though by your controlling family. You need to change the way you think of yourself, why dont you make yourself an appointment with a counsellor (relate or similar), to help them get you on your feet? You can go alone or maybe suggest your Husband comes with you and he can see just how small he makes you feel.
Then from there, do things to make YOU feel good about yourself. Do one small thing at a time, get up, get dressed, buy some lush bath products and treat yourself to a bath with some candles lit, go swimming, or join weightwatchers. There are so many little things you can do to change yourself and the way you think about yourself. That may jolt your family into realising that mum/wife is in fact a person that can look after herself and is beautiful. I am sorry to hear your Husband has done this to you, it must be devastating, but only you can decide if you can forgive what he has done and repair your marriage.
Sending you some {{{{hugs}}}} to cheer you up.xx

thank you for your reply.

i hate my husband with a vengeance. he makes me feel physically sick. he towers over me and shouts at me. sexually he does stuff that repulses me. i want out, but i cant cope with all this responsibility

I'm really sorry you're feeling this way. If you really think this way then the best thing for you to do is to seek help.
If you say you hate your Husband and he does things that repulse you, then maybe its time to look at what you want out of your life say in the next 5 years. Where do you want to be?
Take a stand, dont be walked on and go seek help, from your Doctor, a counsellor and maybe even a solicitor to see what rights you have. You do not have to be treated in this way, and should seek to stop it now.
I sat in the hairedressers last month listening to a very similar story. This lady was very overweight, I had seen her locally for years though didnt know her. I barely recognised her, and it was only the girls telling me her story once she had left that I realised who she was. Her Husband treated her much the same way, but she got so tired of it, she joined weightwatchers, joined a group that went on outings together (spice.co,uk), and really changed her life completely. She divorced her husband, and her girls saw he rin a completely different light. I was amazed by her courage and determination to change her life. I was sat in a puddle of misery and she made me feel so much better. Trust me you can change your life. She is a shining example. XX

thank you so much, you have made me feel so much better in myself.