New life, new start BUT OMG the guilt!

My X confessed to a series of affairs. He said they had happened tens years before, but I had already forgiven him for one 18 years ago and the marriage had been very unhappy, probably because he had his secrets.

I tormented myself about divorcing, because I have 3 teenage daughters, but at the end of the day, I realised that if I was unhappy, the girls would be unhappy and even though he said his affairs had been years ago and he had not had any extra marital relations in the following ten years, I took the opportunity to divorce him.

To be honest with you if he had not told me about his past I would have stayed in the marriage getting fatter and fatter through comfort eating (I was 7 stone overweight when I divorced him 2 years ago).

My X took control of my life to the extent it was easier to let him. I was thoroughly unhappy.

Anyway, I left and the girls and I live in a much smaller house, I am redundant, but have lost loads of weight (through diet and exercise) and feel lots better than I ever did when I was married.

I think lots of women and men stay in marriages where they are unhappy for the children's sake. In many cases I think this is a good thing. But at the end of the day, my girls were 11, 13 and 15 and I felt I had stayed long enough.

We all have a life to live. We all have needs and if we are unable to get those satisfied within our relationship we should discuss it and if we are unable to still get our needs fulfilled, we should then leave. I do not think that it is right that people who are unhappy in a relationship should cheat - that only causes more unhappiness all round. But, I do accept that many people do, both men and women because they are hoping the marriage will get back on track or they are only staying for the children.

I too contacted people on the internet for years because I was very unhappy. I never took it further, but whether I would have done if I had been slimmer, who knows?

Good luck and you have done the right thing for you and your girls. As a mother to daughters, you have a duty to show them that women do not have to put up with unhappiness. My only regret is that I did not have the "balls" to leave earlier. You have guts girl, well done, you are a credit to your daughters and woman kind!

Jo x

Thank you Jo.
OMG that meant a lot. Interestingly the number of married women that I have chatted to have said similar "if only I had the courage" etc.

I am , sometimes to my cost, a very honest person and also I have been brought up by fantastic parents who NEVER did the safe thing and if a situation was bad then they would change it.
My STBX has never understood this.
In my career I am a path finder, a forger ahead and will ask questions that need answering.
Perhaps this is why my marriage was never going to work. My OH is a conformist, nothing wrong with that BUT he never had the passion for stuff that I do and would often put me down.. not always deliberately but always patronisingly.

My sister said recently that talking to me used to be like talking to a Stepford wife and she had been worried about me for years.

So next big dventure for me ... buying my very own place. In that place I will have cats and chickens and ducks.
I may also have a bearded dragon - I have always wanted one lol.

Lucretia and Jo, I am glad that you are both happier now and heading in the right direction. - at least you both did things the'right' way. I didnt think my marriage was unhappy but my wife obviously did, different perspectives I suppose. I certainly wasnt cruel or nasty or uncaring and i loved my wife and kids and did what i thought was right by them, but maybe i was guilty of getting stuck in the rut and just plodding along. I was happy doing this, she wasnt. If she was that unhappy then she should have left although i would have been devestated. She didnt though, she decided to find someone else, have an affair and then leave. This hasnt devestated me, it has totally destroyed me but she cant see that its any different - shes gone so the end result is the same.
What I'm trying to say (in a long winded way) is that I accept that if people are unhappy in a marriage that cant be saved then they should not stay and be miserable. However once someone else is involved it changes from being sad and upsetting to something on a different level - a complete betrayal and a knife to the heart of the wronged partner.

Hi j

I agree totally with what your wrote.

I caught an STI shortly after our marriage and a few months afterI had our first daughter. I suffered 'down below' for months. I put it down to bubble bath, having the baby, thrush etc. and my X agreed it could have been any of those things Eventually went to the GP who said it was an STI. Came home, confronted my X who smashed every glass door in the house accusing me of having an affair!

Of course I knew it wasn't me, but I also believed it couldn't be my husband and the father of our brand new baby daughter. So I believed the diagnosis to be wrong and suffered BIG TIME in silence. Then I found a receipt for flowers for a lady and the rest is history!!!!!!!!!!

Anyway he confessed (no choice) to a one night stand and he said he sent the flowers to keep her mouth shut. I believed the lot!!!!

I forgave him and the marriage continued for 18 miserable years. My X became very controlling and abusive and it was pure hell. Then he told me about loads of other women he had had at the same time as the one I caught STI off. He begged forgiveness. Said that it why he had been a shit to me all our lives together - he was soo scared I would find out. He said now his conscience was clear we could make a new start. HELLO - hell no!

All history, I am now out and extremely happy to be so. I don't want a permanent man in my life just yet, but I hope to find someone one day.

I should have left all those years ago. But I married for life and I so wanted the marriage to work.

Jo x

so sounds like a b@st@rd

and very very selfish

i can only imagine the anger you must feel at staying with him

Hi

Think I have been through every emotion going to be honest!

I feel lucky in that I have been given a second chance. If he had not told me about all the others I would still be in the relationship and to be absolutely honest, if he had not told me about a certain one of them, I probably again would still be in the relationship. He said they all happened 10 years ago and I think I would have continued in the miserable marriage. I was 7 stone overweight, through comfort eating and couldn't be bothered.

But, when he told me about a certain one that he had sex with (whether he did or not I will never know), I knew I had to get out. And yes, anger, rage, but not at him, at myself for being so damn stupid and pathetic.

Now, 7 stone lighter, feeling fab most of the time (got a raging toothache today), 3 gorgeous teenager girls, recently made redundant, but so what - confident everything is for a reason and so I am using the time to decorate etc. etc.

I actually that my Higher Power for October 6th (well more so 6 months later when he told me about 'the one for whom I divorced him over'). Because secrets have a dirty habit of coming out and I am so so grateful I found out then when I was 46 years of age and had the girls around, then at 66 when I would have had no life left (in my opinion anyway).

I know there are alot of women who treat men badly, but I think there are alot more men who treat women badly and the women have to think not only of themselves, but of the chidren these men brought into the world.

It is all very sad. If my story of the ability to rise can help anyone else, that is fantastic.

Jo x

Me again,

I hope you don't mind.

Christ the more I look at your story the more there are so many things similar to my situ.

We met at school 26 years ago. Married 9 & together nearly 17. Lots more but would take a while.

My wife has said repeatidly she hasn't come to her decsion lightly.

I am not a bad H presents, flowers etc.

I don't look after myself. Smoker who after she told me she wants us to separate smokes so much more. Lost or have been losing weight like there is no tomorrow.

Its hard to get your head round how it just drops off thru genuine worry (wife reminds me constantly how un attractive it is, god Im'm not trying to look that way)!
I go to the gym at work & when home & eat as normal. In fact have a very good apetite.
God how that will change as wife is a great cook to us all 7 very healthy stuff.

I would throw money at problems. Saying that we both did. But if I am honest me more.
I would ask a question & then not let her answer. Very bad trait which recently I have been trying to curb as I know I do it.
We both work me away 4 weeks home the nxt 4. Wife works a couple of days a week but her boss is demanding & she does quite alot of work out with those days & on holidays (bloody blackberrys) But when I am home maybe once or twice I will cook a meal. She does all the other times so yes let her down by not having supper made when she comes home from work. I do sort out the kids suppers especially if we aren't all eating together.
I think alot of my lack of doing things can be put down to the fact that when I am at work I am 12hrs a day 7 days a week for 28 days & think when I am home I have done my bit & need to relax. I do have a job with a lot of pressures. But so do alot of people.
I sorry don't do the ironing. God I hate ironing. It takes me forever to do just a handful.
I do sweep, hoover, mop do the bathrooms grass etc. Not as much as I should. But when I do it a know I do a very good job of it. Yes I do mention I cleaned this and that. When I think about it maybe because I wanted I wouldn't say praise but recognition. Which I know is lame. I mean wife does all these things when I am at work and alot when I am home. No excuse maybe its a bloke or male thing?

My wife say to me its not like I didn't know we had problems. She is right there but the raw reality of it is another story & I am not handling it well at all.

I am sure I have before mentioned I am have it in my head as well that there are other reasons behind her decision. Which initially was bceause I was away so much she felt like a single parent for 1/2 the year & was very lonely.
I say this because she has said a couple of months ago its gone past me getting a new job there are other things. Which she hasn't really told me.
I just have worries its somthing or the something else if I ever find out will be the icing on the cake & my armageddon.
She has admitted to trying to punish me for not having changed jobs with some of the ways she has acted when she has been out with or without me.

Whats so hard is that she is so sure she is doing the right thing. After all our tinme together for us to throw the towel in. I just can't.
She says to me be honest you are not happy with things. I agree but say I know I am not as unhappy as you appear to be.

Christ I feel like. So confused & definately consumed by all this.

I read quite alot of stuff on wiki & quite alot of people in my situ seem to suggest giving people like my wife the time and space. Even one of her sisters says that too me. I jsut find it hard. The whole thought. Especially when I am home to not see her would be hell. Its bad enough that she doesn't really want to mail me when I am at work. Doesn't want us to have too many conversations on the phone.

But reading into your story certainly shows alot of things the same. Definately on my part. But haven't gone too much into my wife. No one is perfect & I am certainly not. I just know how string, in love & the things we have been thru plus we have to amazing & healthy kids.

I am going to stop as not sure you want to hear this stuff. Plus it seems like I could go on for ages.

Apologies again & thanks for your posts