New life, new start BUT OMG the guilt!

It is really hard this guilt thing whoever was the one who left. My ex left me and two children nearly a year ago and although in my heart I know it's for the best for both of us adults, I still don't really think it was or is best for the children.

Our son is left with a very part-time dad and it will be a long time before I come to terms with this and I also think it is causing him (dad) a lot of guilt and sleepless nights (he told me he can't sleep).

There is no easy answer. Hopefully time and a lot of understanding on all parts to other's situations and feelings will help heal us all. I do hope so.

Deedum wrote:

It is really hard this guilt thing whoever was the one who left. My ex left me and two children nearly a year ago and although in my heart I know it's for the best for both of us adults, I still don't really think it was or is best for the children.

Our son is left with a very part-time dad and it will be a long time before I come to terms with this and I also think it is causing him (dad) a lot of guilt and sleepless nights (he told me he can't sleep).

There is no easy answer. Hopefully time and a lot of understanding on all parts to other's situations and feelings will help heal us all. I do hope so.

Hi deedum. Divorce is tough on kids. But kids being what they are they adapt quickly and make the best of any situation. Its better to have a part time dad then no dad and kids sense when things are not right at home. And I think thats worse. As long as the kids know that you both love them and dont use the kids as battering rams then it will work out ok. Being in a broken home doesnt mean you will have a broken life. Its the love and support of both parents thats important. Not living in the same house. Thats all it is realy. And the less you see someone makes that ocaision all the more special. Glass half full. C.

NellNoRegrets wrote:

Whether or not you are "allowed" to be happy depends on who you think can give you permission - in reality it is you who decides!

Perhaps, like me, you felt responsible for your husband and are now feeling responsible for your daughter. But you aren't! I had been carrying my ex's emotional baggage round for years. It was a wonderful, light feeling when with the help of a counsellor I learned to leave it in left luggage and walk away.

We also think we can make people happy (women often assume its their job) or that other people can make us happy. In reality we are only responsible for our own emotions.

I wish I'd learned that a lot earlier. Instead I assumed my ex was right when he said I made him angry. Now I know he chose to be angry. When he says something upsetting now I know I can choose to feel amused at his twerpitude instead.

Thank you - that is exactly how I am feeling - this has been installed into me by him time and time again over the years -"I would be lost without you", "why do you stay?" " You are the strong one" "This house would collapse if you fell apart".

Stuff like that over and over again.. and then... "well I don't have a best friend, I tell you everything and now I can't tell you so who can I talk to?" Thats his latest.
And yet people have phoned him, offered to be there for him and he ignores them. He comes from a family who hide their skeletons in the cupboard, who don't express emotions and above all, who blame everyone else for their own inadequacies.

Sorry - this is making me angry now.... you are right - HE is responsible for his own happiness and I have to realise that - it is getting easier- I just wish I could get my eldest to see that.
I don't want her making the same mistakes I have...

oh we would all like our children to learn from our mistakes but they can only learn from their own. In order to learn to walk they have to fall over a few times. I know, as a mother, it is very hard to watch, but all you do is be there to kiss them better.

Don't be offended by the fact that someone mentioned the term Mid Life Crisis to you. I don't have a strong opinion about whether it applies to you, but the hallmarks are often about a person who has developed through early and into middle adulthood trying to fulfil some ideal, often without having assessed along the way whether this was really the path they wanted to be on.

Then, often somethign about reaching a certain age, or kids leaving home, or illness or death of an elderly parent can bring one to the sharp realisation that your life is disappearing before your eyes down a road you don't want. Because of the life phase - it can feel very critical to make a change now, before things get any more stuck than what they already are.

Sometimes the other half may have done negative things that contribute to the unhappiness (after all, all marriages have some negatives in them), but sometimes it can just be the case that the person you're with doesn't have the capacity or desire to change with you and strike out on a new path. After all, if they have been happy with the way things are heading - why would they want to change? In that case, the marriages often end.

Well done for giving this man so many years of your life - it's more than many achieve. I feel sad for both of you, because he doesn't want to lose you, and I know you don't want to cause unhappiness. Ultimately though, it sounds like you can't go back to the way things were since you've had this realisation, so all you can do is try and be as considerate as possible in the way you manage the breakup.

Your girls will understand in time, particularly when they see you flourishing with your happiness. Try to support them in not taking on the burden he may try to lay on them - get them counselling if needs be. Try to be amicable to him and keep some semblance of family for important events, but keep hold of your newfound sense of self. Know that your happiness is a priority for you to be a good mother. In time, your girls may appreciate the model you provided of not subjugating yourself in a marriage.

Good luck.

Hi, coming from another angle on this but I was recently speaking to a close female friend of mine and we were talking about her parents divorce and the problems she suffered because of it. She was in her late 20's when it happened, in her words 'it tore my world apart, everything I took as a given has gone!' My EX also had her parent split in her early 20's and now in her 30's it is still having a major impact on her in how she conducts herself in a relationship. No help had been provided for my Ex and she is not willing to ask either.

The main problem she had in being able to get over it was the war that eventually took place between her parents with her getting caught in the middle and in her mum's case she was expected to be the main support for basically an adult who was not prepared to get professional help for depression generally but also for the effects of the divorce. You say that your STBX may be putting his guilt on your children which is not something that should be happening and clearly they will need some extra support for having to deal with a 'sad parent', often children take on the role of a parent when that parent does not want to get the help they need. Not sure how you can really help as its your STBX who clearly has emotional difficulties and should be seeking help from professionals rather than his children, no child (of any age) should be burdened with that type of responsibility, a persons pride often stops someone for asking for help, its a shame that many see this to late sometimes to be able to change things before things go to far down that slippery slope.

Clearly how the events of the divorce happened and how both parents conducted themselves during and afterwards can have a substantial impact on a child (at any age!) and extreme care needs to be taken to ensure their ability to deal with the effects of the divorce are not overestimated.

All the very best for the future, I hope you find that happiness that was clearly missing. Jim

I have just read the above 2 replies and cannot thank you both enough.
I can't say more than that at the moment but you have both helped enormously and gave me some clarity.
I am so very glad I have found this site....