New life, new start BUT OMG the guilt!

OMG L4N
The similarities are scary!
However you are trying... mine never did. Not really....
I appreciate your reply and there is no need to apologise.

Hi
This is my first ever post on the forum. I've been browsing all morning and am close to tears reading your post. You have put into words exactly how I feel and have been feeling for the past two years.

I have been with my husband for 23 years, married for 17. We have one son aged 10.

My husband hasn't done anything wrong - he doesn't go to the pub (although he does drink quite a bit at home). He isn't having an affair (as far as I know). He doesn't abuse me (physically or mentally). He is kind, generous, a good father on the whole.

But he suffers from depression and I'm sorry if this sounds harsh, but after 20 years of treading on egg shells i have had enough.

I am 42 and he is 48. I have recently started my own business after years of working for others, and have found a new lease of life. He on the other hand is counting down dowards his retirement. He spends a lot of time sleeping which really annoys me. I am not ready for the fireside and slippers routine yet!

What saddens me the most is that I feel like this, as I really did believe he was 'the one'. I think it really is just a case of growing apart. We live in the same house, still sleep in the same bed - although we havent had sex for months. We go on holiday together but for the past couple of years it feels just like we are going through the motions.

I haven't spoken to him about how I feel yet, but I think I have already made my mind up that I want to leave.

I am not going to talk about my feeling for a few months as my son is under a lot of pressure at the moment (11+) and will be moving up to a grammar school soon. I kind of think that I've put up with it for this long, so another year is fine.

Sorry, I've rambled, but have a feeling that this site is going to get me through the next few months.

nukes wrote:

Hi
This is my first ever post on the forum. I've been browsing all morning and am close to tears reading your post. You have put into words exactly how I feel and have been feeling for the past two years.

I have been with my husband for 23 years, married for 17. We have one son aged 10.

My husband hasn't done anything wrong - he doesn't go to the pub (although he does drink quite a bit at home). He isn't having an affair (as far as I know). He doesn't abuse me (physically or mentally). He is kind, generous, a good father on the whole.

But he suffers from depression and I'm sorry if this sounds harsh, but after 20 years of treading on egg shells i have had enough.

I am 42 and he is 48. I have recently started my own business after years of working for others, and have found a new lease of life. He on the other hand is counting down dowards his retirement. He spends a lot of time sleeping which really annoys me. I am not ready for the fireside and slippers routine yet!

What saddens me the most is that I feel like this, as I really did believe he was 'the one'. I think it really is just a case of growing apart. We live in the same house, still sleep in the same bed - although we havent had sex for months. We go on holiday together but for the past couple of years it feels just like we are going through the motions.

I haven't spoken to him about how I feel yet, but I think I have already made my mind up that I want to leave.

I am not going to talk about my feeling for a few months as my son is under a lot of pressure at the moment (11+) and will be moving up to a grammar school soon. I kind of think that I've put up with it for this long, so another year is fine.

Sorry, I've rambled, but have a feeling that this site is going to get me through the next few months.

Hi Nukes and welcome.
I was saddened to read your post but pleased that you know that you are not the only one.
I can't say too much more at the moment as I have had a bad day due to various things.
BUT you are doing the right thing.... it will be hard but you need to do what is best for you in the end - your son will be okay - better that he sees an honest Mum than one that lives a lie.
Good luck - we will talk soon xxxx

Hello Lucretia

I read your post and the responses with much interest.

My stbx wife left me almost 5 months ago, and a lot of the things you describe about your ex husband apply to me too often in our marriage.

I just wanted to say that, painful as it has been / still can be, as time goes by and I look back at the reasons for our split I really am beginning to believe it was a good decision for both of us and understanding things.

I'm not sure I'll ever be able to say the "best thing for both of us" because it seemed a very sudden split to me and now I have some emotional clarity about my issues and am getting help (got diagnosed with depression so counselling / therapy soon / ADs, etc, etc) I'll always wonder if we could have made it through with just a bit more time.

But then again I bet loads of people who got split with probably feel that.

What I can say is I also now realise that's only my perspective and I realise for my stbx wife she'd had enough so it was definitely the best thing for her.

So "good decision for both of us" + "best thing for her" = the only decision possible.

So, basically, all this rambling is trying to say I can understand why you feel guilty, I think it's a natural and necessary emotion to go through, but, although your ex might never accept it was the only solution to the problems, I believe one day he will feel splitting was the only solution to the problems. So, you know, try and bear that in mind when you feel guilty.

Thank you trimmtabb - that has really helped me.
I have had a bad weekend - see blog. But I am determined that I have to do what is best for me for once. He does need help - he has so many issues but is in denial. In a way I was not helping because I "mothered" him to an extent and as painful as it is, he has to learn to look after his own emotional wealthfare.


I hope you find happiness too.

Lucretia

Glad I could help.

Thanks back to you as what you say about mothering him as helped yet another penny drop about my situation too - basically I think my ex was doing the same and then when we had a baby boy and after a year and a bit I went through some depression and selfishness again she realised she couldn't mother two boys and needed to either be on her own for our son or find someone emotionally less selfish and more supportive.

It's a hrad pill to swallow, but swallowing it is the only hope I have for the bright future I will find so thanks for opening my eyes further.

Good luck to you as well - I hope your ex realises that you are looking out for him as well as yourself and that you are aware of the part you have played in the problems.