New life, new start BUT OMG the guilt!

I have been married for 24 years - I met my husband on the school bus.

I cannot go into the whys and wherefores because it is very very complicated and would involve me back tracking over nearly 10 years.

I don't love him anymore - not in the way that he would want and deserves to be loved. I have not been in love with him for over 2 years but have tried so hard to be who he wanted.
Put plainly we are two different people now. I think of myself as being only 45 with a whole different life ahead - he thinks of himself as being 46 with less than 20 years to retirement.

So after a lot of soul searching- and believe me it was a lot, I have left. I am still paying my half of the mortgage , insurances etc and also contributing to our youngest's university education.

I am , on the whole happier - this man over the last 24 years had gradually taken my self confidence away and also my real sense of 'self'.
He is not a bad person, many women would love to have a husband that bought them flowers and gifts and showered them with love..
But it was the insiduous insults, the digs, the shouting...... the fact that he had low self esteem, the fact that he was a workaholic, the fact that when arguing with him , he would just shout me down.
The fact that he didn't look after himself and wouldn't do a thing without me being there..
The fact that he was loud - sorry it used to make me cringe...
The fact that he would throw money at problems..
The fact that I had a demanding full time job and yet would come home and cook the dinner, tidy the house. He did the ironing - that was it. When he did tidy up = OMG didn't we have to praise him.

We tried marriage guidance - the first time the woman told me that I was going thro a mid life crisis ( yes really!!).

After a course of anti depressants, I felt better but the problems had not resolved - the pills gave me the wherewithall to deal with them.

So on December 29th, whilst half heartedly tidying a house that I had no interest in, I made a decision...
I was going.
It took another 6 months... but here I am .
So why do I feel guilty????


I do not love him - it was a destructive relationship but he is still making me feel guilty.
Is this normal??

I suspect you feel guilty because you have caused pain to someone you once loved, who has been a major part of your life and who you are still concerned about.

But guilt isn't much use if you feel you have made the right decision for you. You tried to make your marriage work and then left when it didn't.

Nell

This sounds so similar to me, I met my husband when I was 16, we have been married for 25 years and he also has a very low self esteem. I tried for too long to live with it but eventually it drains you of your own sense of self. He too would shout me down because it was his only way of 'shutting me up' rather than dealing with the problems that needed to be talked about. So the problems festered and we are now separated, contemplating divorce.

Is it guilt you feel, or grief? We need to grieve the end of a relationship even if separating is the answer, it is a loss, not only of your husband but of those dreams for a future which you held dear. We have these feelings because we have made the decision to end the relationship, but we have been put in a position where we had no choice but to make this decision and hence we feel guilty because we made the separation happen. But they would not have done it - hence the guilt. It seems to me that both of our husbands needed us for their own self esteem, uf that is no good for us.

Lucretia

You are bound to question your emotions, love is the deepest good emotion we experience. When you let go of the things you didn't like about a person, you also let go of the things that you loved about them too.

Maybe try to write down why you think you feel guilty in detail to yourself even, would help you to work out where you are at. You sound like you have made a decision, yet you are questioning yourself.

Time away from a situation gives us time to reflect. When we reflect clearly, we work out the best way forward.

It is a long time together and that is a big part of your life to try to forget whether it was good or bad.

Give yourself some uninfluenced space and I am sure you will find your answer.

Thank you all for your responses. You are of course all right.

I have done the right thing - I have 2 grown up daughters - one is at uni, the other at home still.
He is now guilt tripping the older one like he used to with me - and that is part of my guilt if you see what I mean.


LOL - I suppose I am only questioning my right to happiness if you see what I mean. I was so long unhappy that I am now not sure whether I am allowed to be.
BUT the great thing is, these feelings are normal - well at least, readiing your responses, they appear to be.

Whether or not you are "allowed" to be happy depends on who you think can give you permission - in reality it is you who decides!

Perhaps, like me, you felt responsible for your husband and are now feeling responsible for your daughter. But you aren't! I had been carrying my ex's emotional baggage round for years. It was a wonderful, light feeling when with the help of a counsellor I learned to leave it in left luggage and walk away.

We also think we can make people happy (women often assume its their job) or that other people can make us happy. In reality we are only responsible for our own emotions.

I wish I'd learned that a lot earlier. Instead I assumed my ex was right when he said I made him angry. Now I know he chose to be angry. When he says something upsetting now I know I can choose to feel amused at his twerpitude instead.

Relationships are funny things. For people that are abused they feel guilt that they caused it. As a child I was abused by my father. For years and years I carried the guilt that it was my fault. And you tried to be the wife that he wanted. But you are not to blame. Like I wasnt to blame. But that wont help you. Not right now anyway. You have a bond with this man. And that was formed over many years. I had a bond with my wife. Despite all the things she did to me and it was hard to break. But the bond will break. But its going to take time. For me it was selling the stuff I bought her and that was the final straw. For you it will be something else. But break it will.

For now you have to concentrate on you. Not everything in life works out. But believe in you. What you are capable and work towards all the things that **you** want out of life and see how far you go. One day you will be so far ahead of the old you, you will wonder why you suffered all these things and felt guilt for what you did.

An example: I was sitting with some friends last night outside a pub and having a good time. This would not have been possible a few years ago. And when I look in the mirror, the man that stares back at me I cant recognise. I am not the same. I dont look the same. I dont dress the same. I do different things. I have achieved so much. My inner person is calmer, stonger and much happier then I was when I lived in that hell hole. One day this will be you. But you have to earn it. Work for it and elevate yourself to a better person free of all this baggage. Easy to say, hard to do. Ask me how I know. C.