Hello all

Hi

Came across this site a couple of weeks ago have just been reading posts and blogs, which have greatly helped me.

Have been married 15 years together 20 have got 3 children. Well since Easter I have been aware my wife has been acting different, her mind seemed somewhere else an all to common story. In July I noticed she was doing a great deal of texting and had become more and more distant towards me. Well I came home one day was getting changed and saw her phone had received a message, yes this is bad and I really didn’t want to but I checked it although it came up as a women’s name the wording (about meeting up) didn’t feel as though it was from one of her girlfriends. So I rung the number on my phone and a man answered it, I made an excuses that it was the wrong number and hung up – I felt sick and shocked.

I confronted her and asked if she having an affair and I was met with what many of you Wiki’s have been met with the total stranger – sure she was angry about me checking her phone – yes I felt bad about this, but her resentment towards me ran deeper than this. She told me that she has not love me for 10-12 years if she ever did at all she had been very unhappy in the marriage and wanted a divorce. Again standard stuff as “it is not you it is me” etc and the text was from a friend at work about meeting up after a course.

She told me we had grown apart for years and that she could not believe I had not notice. Yes things at times had not been great, but I thought we were happy together. She said she wanted us to spilt up amicably, did not want me to move out of the family home straight away “maybe in a year or two years time”, but in the mean time we should live separated lives! Told me that I was her best friend and a great guy and father, but she did not love me. I was later told that the man I run was her friend’s husband.

Still in shock, worried about loosing contact with the kids and not wanting to be homeless - well what else could I do? I guess you all know the story unable to eat or sleep of focus on anything from then on and having to sleep on the sofa.

In the mean time she has (very quickly) told everyone we know that we will divorce and have been living separate lives for years and we are really good friends and everything is amicable! This I have felt very uncomfortable about, I have only just be able to tell my friend about the situation. She is talking about her future in the house when I’m gone.

From when she told me that it was over we did appear to get along OK at first, but this might be that I was in “door mat” mode while she was in full control of the situation. We went on a family holiday which she texted her way through or made excuses to go off on her own.

Could not get that original text I had read out of my mind, it just did not feel right. I was able to find it belong to a male work colleague (someone I knew of too) through putting in a Google search. And rung her confronting her again – I just needed to know the truth – I was not met with what a crazy idea that was laughed of f, but anger and aggression and she said lots of horrible things that blew away the theory that she though I was her best friend. She denied anything was going on, I was the bad one for checking up on this guy and she was going to tell him when she got back to work and she felt like leaving the house with the kids and hung up.

Well I though to myself ‘oh no what have I done!’ But within 10mins she rung back more calmer and told me she had rung this guy up to tell him what had happened and he had advised her to talk things over with me, she did not want to involved him in a “domestic” I said he would not of been if she had not rung him (straight away!) She said she had to as I have look up his number. I said this info was in the public domain and I was only confused that she had not told the truth about whom the text I had seen was from. She told me that she has lots of people in her phone under different names!

Well since then she has continued to come up with very elaborate stories about going out with work colleagues I feel she is trying to prove nothing is going on but when she is telling me this stories she is being very pleasant although what she is telling me does not add up or make sense.

I guess I know in my heart something has been going on, but also she has not been in love with me and this would happen sooner or later. I’m starting (trying) not to care if she has gone of with someone else. So in a strange way I have started moved on.

I’ve started seeing a counsellor and I’ve started lots of things to move my life on although it is hard on such a wobbly emotionally foundation. Although it has been such a short time I can feel myself getting stronger although it is a roller coaster ride

I can’t and I think I don’t want to go back. Although I fear the future I have got to get through this. I have looked back on our relationship and realised it has not been what I thought it was and I feel angry with this. I now realise, as I have not be loved by my wife for so long it has knocked a lot of confidence out of me over the years.

As you would imagine things can be a strained after a split up and still being under the same roof as well as a bit weird, some things carry on as normal because of the kids, but other things have fallen apart.

Well you find out “being best friends” does not really work, she wants me out of her life even though she has told me she wants me to live near and share looking after the kids between the 2 homes, I can’t afford to buy a place and rent even on 1 bed flat are not cheap – her advice is that I need to get a better paid job!. We are struggling to speak to each other now, but are getting by just. Although this situation is good in helping me with closure – how can I feel anything for this horrible stranger.

I feel she is in control and has a plan so I’m worried about sorting money, kids divorce etc feel I might end with nothing if I’m not careful so got to get my act together.

Hi

Welcome to Wiki.

Sorry to hear about your situation. It is so similar to mine and many others on here.

Chances are you will never know the full truth of what is going on in her head now. Also remember to take anything she says with sceptism.

Do not rush into any decisions, and do not accept the idea, that you should leave the family home. You have done nothing wrong so you should not be thinking about moving out and renting.

Divorce does not mean that you have to end up with nothing, and having little contact with your kids. So please remember that in the difficult times that will be coming up.

All the best

S

Hallo and welcome to Wiki

Your story is sadly all too familiar.

I agree with itgetsbetter (he's right, it does get better!)

Don't rush into anything and don't leave your home. You might want to consider petitioning your wife for divorce, rather than letting her divorce you, as that will give you a bit of control over the procedure.

Focus on what you want - contact with the children, money to live on, somewhere for you to live where the children can stay, and see how you can make this happen.

Pop into chat room here for instant support.

Nell

what a complete lying b@@@

stay in the house

be polite at all times to avoid provoking her

and quietly plan for custody of the kids

i too got the i havent loved you for years, when just the day before she said she did

whata joke!

there is no excuse in a relationship for this level of deceit

you will get lots of good advice from people but you are dealing with a manipulative, controlling and vindicative person, in her eyes you are not a human being anymore merely an asset to be productively managed

gain strength and fight for you kids and welfare

Dont move out of the house.

It is somewhat better to file for divorce yourself as it gives you some control.

If you can post the following, you will get better advice.

Your respective ages;

The number of children you have and their ages;

How many nights the children spend with each parent;

The length of your marriage and any period of pre marriage cohabitation;

Your respective incomes;

Your respective outgoings;

Your assets - both soley held and joint;

Your liabilities.

Pensions.

But you do not have to end up homeless or lose kids. For custody/contact issues, see www.fnf.org.uk

Thanks

Itgetsbetter - Lots of things are going on in her head she has change so much in the least 5 weeks

Nell - thanks for your as ever sound advice

STBXIsMoneyObsessed - Yes I'm working hard on being polite at all times but it can be hard.

Colours - I have made an appointment with a Solicitor for the free 30 mins and I'm sorting out finance info

Hi startagain,

I been through a similar situation like yours. I know its hard to continue to be nice to someone who after all this time seems to be lying and decieving you - to make it easier to be nice then just be false, it helps.

As for your mentallity, if you ask any questions then you will be blamed for anything that went wrong. And you will start to believe it. Believe me, its not your fault so don't ever think it is. This will hit your self esteem. So don't look for answers.

Your self esteem will hit rock bottom anyway. Its very important to work on that. Find time for some personal activity (some YOU time), run or walk to clear your head and get away from the situation otherwise it will wear you down. This is not healthy way to be as your kids need you and you have to put forward your strategy if you do end up splitting up and you need to be thinking clear, without any emotions which she may play on to manipulate you for her own reasons.

Focus on yourself and your future with your kids. If you think she got a 'plan' then you work on yours. I just wished someone gave me this advice when I went through this.

All the best and be strong