Don't know what to do....

Hi
Still in shock. He admits to secretly seeing woman, 16 years younger than him, for about 2 years. He says 1-2 times a month. I know for a fact he saw her twice in one week recently. I found shirt he 'hid' in bottom of wardrobe with loads of makeup all over collar and shoulder and some long black hairs - I am blonde. There was also a pair of used underpants wrapped up with the shirt. He came home one night in funny mood all bouncy and smiling but rushed upstairs to get changed before I could get near him. Another couple of shirts also with a bit of make up on. He says nothing happened and they are 'just good friends'. They always meet in out of the way places - pub/country inn type places. He was always open about his pay and bank statements but all stopped 2 years ago. Comes home late and drunk and moody. Says he can't respect me cos the study is messy - I take care of all our paperwork in there, do our tax returns, all household expenses. He does nothing in the house and does not get involved in child care during the week only at weekends - even then it often means taking child to pub - we have one 9 year old. If I am ill e.g. flu he has no sympathy and just gets annoyed with me, never takes time off work to look after me. Also found out he has been going to Casinos and losing money. He has great social life but I have to ask him to take me out and suggest where. He mixes with other guys who seem to think they are 'players' and all look out for each other.
I have had enough. Finding out about this woman is the final straw. Even if they are 'just good friends' he has betrayed me. I don't have a problem with him having female friends - he talks about them and I have met them that's fine. But he never talked about her and I never met her. After checking his mobile - with his permission cos he didn't have anything to hide! I found texts from her in his 'deleted' folder - I called her number and fired questions at her. She said 'we didn't tell you because we thought you wouldn't understand but we just really good friends.' Would anyone believe that. I am devastated. Our child knows something is up and has been crying this morning. Child wants us to stay together I can't put child through divorce but I can't live with this man I don't know or trust anymore. I saw counsellor last week by myself and he said he will see counsellor also by himself and then we go together. But counsellor is on holiday so have to wait - I'm going crazy trying to keep a lid on all my anger and upset.
What do I do? Need help.

Hi secretfriend

You're already doing what you need to do - talk about what's going on and how you feel with people who know what you're going thru

Sorry to hear your story, your husband has deceived and lied to you at the very least and you have every right to be upset. Let the anger and upset out - cry, have a rant here - keeping things bottled up doesn't do any good really

Keep talking - wiki is full of people who can relate to your story

Sun

I think deep down you know that this relationship is more than a friendship.

In order for your relationship to him to stand any kind of chance he must tell you the truth.

Jo x

Even if he is not cheating sexually, which I very much doubt. He is cheating on you emotionally, which personally I find even worse.
It's you he should be spilling his innermost thoughts to, not her.

I take it as your daughter has said she wants you to stay together, that you have told her you may part.
Please don't take your problems to your nine year old, they are none of her doing. Vent here instead.

All children in an ideal world, no matter what their age, would like their parents to be together. Sometimes it is better to part for the child's sake. Staying with a cheat is showing your daughter that this is acceptable from a Husband. Not the best lesson for her married life.

If he values his marriage more than this woman, he will stop seeing her at your request. I rather doubt that too, but you could always put it to him.

My daughter is 21 and now tells me that she always knew her father was a cheat and never liked him because of that.
I pointed out that although he's been a lousy husband, he hasn't been a lousy father. Her reply to that was "he would have been a much better father, had I not seen how he treated you"

It breaks my heart that she knew and she is furious that after all the years of my putting up with his infidelity, he dumped me anyway.

Had I seen wiki all those years ago and had support, no way would I have stayed.
Don't make the same mistakes I did or your daughter will suffer far more, than having a happy mummy out of the situation.

Gosh, I sound like a bitter wiki woman as I saw described on another forum recently.

Thanks for your support. It is good to know I am not alone but sad that there are so many break ups.

Only told child that we are not getting on - which is obvious anyway - but have said that we will work it out. Child is aware of how relationships go wrong - at least 3 children in child's year at school have recently divorced parents.

We both love child v much and child knows we do.

BTW we have been married 21 years.

You'll all have to forgive me if i don't post correctly new to this type of forum.

Hi JoannaA

Thanks for your support.

I doubt he will ever be truthful. He lies v easily if he knows I know its a lie he just tells another lie etc.

We've all got one of those secretfriend, just something else we have in common here.