Don't know what to do....

I understand where you are coming from. My ex lied to counsellors.

However, when I mentioned lie detector tests the truth came out.

Does your husband want your marriage to continue? If he does, he must be truthful. Lies always out in the end.

But, what you must be prepared for if he is willing to tell you the whole truth is the shock you might feel. I was absolutely gobsmmacked when my ex told me the full extent of his philandering (which included his own sister).

18 years ago I caught an STI from my ex shortly after I had given birth to our first daughter. I was prepared to accept his explanation that it was a one off. And then 18 years down the line he felt the need to confess all (well enough!). The one night stand of 18 years ago turned out to be an over a year affair starting prior to our marriage and prior to my pregnancy.

At the same time there had been others. But they say the partner being cheated on never knows the full truth, just what the cheating partner believes is enough to be able to continue to get away with it.

The threat of the lie detector test was enough for him to go into detail which ultimately gave me the strength to go through with the divorce.

I don't know how you feel, but if you still love your husband and he wants to stay with the you, the only way forward is the truth, 100% and nothing but the truth.

If I had known the full truth 18 years ago I would have not wasted the following 18 years and given birth to two more daughters.

Still, all in the past now and I am very very happy, 2 years following my divorce.

Good luck, it will be a long long road.

Oh, regarding the other woman, don't waste your time visiting her, ringing her etc. She will be primed by your husband to say what he tells her. My ex didn't want to leave me for the woman he cheated with me on 18 years ago, so he got her to say it was a one night drunken stand, but of course now I know it was much much more.

Jo x

On the subject of lying.
Mine arrived home 11pm last night. Went around the back of where I was sitting to wind in the awning when his phone rang.

Stepped outside to answer it but to account for how long he'd taken winding in the awning, said he'd been picking tomatoes and as he didn't have any to hand, remarked that they were now bitter. I could almost hear the whirrings of his brain.

No, I hadn't asked him a thing. All entirely volunteered lies. What a waste of energy on his part as I don't give a toss what he does.
I just look forward to the day I never have to listen to another one.

How do I know when he is lying? When I see his lips move. As the old joke goes.

The lies are horrible, as are the insults to our intelligence when they expect us to believe them!

My ex sniffs when he is lying. Shame it took me 18 plus years to work that one out!

Jo x

Hi Secretfriend

Your husband is insulting to you, unfaithful to you and leaves you to do most of the work. I know you are in shock and pain at the moment, but believe me you are better off without him.

Of course you want to protect your child - but I know my sons are happier in a more relaxed household without a father who is either criticising, shouting or falling into a drunken sleep.

It isn't easy - you have to go through a grieving process. I had some months of anti-depressants, lots of months of counselling (where I finally learned to stop blaming myself for everything) and the fantastic support of my workmates, boss, friends, family and the wonderful people on this site.

Thanks Nell

Divorce is such a huge step to take. It feels like I'm about to step off a cliff.
His mother is a lovely person and we are quite close. She is not in good health I know she will be devastated. I don't want to cause her any stress.

Do people really have lie detector tests?
Do counsellors do them or solicitors?

He says he wants us to stay together but I know he is not being honest and I can't begin to forgive him unless he is.

I just want to wake up from this nightmare, it feels so surreal.

Thanks everyone.
x

Hi secretfriend and welcome! I am sorry you find yourself here, in such a devastating and painful situation. There is plenty of support here and I hope you will find it useful. As others have said, come on as often as you like and rant / dump all your are feeling and thinking.

Please be very gentle with yourself and take whatever time you need to get to grips with what is happening. I'm glad you are seeing a counsellor. It takes a lot of courage to open up to others, well done!

After such a long marriage, with a 9 year old child, in my opinion, you should spend time working through what it is you REALLY want, rather than have some knee jerk reaction when you are feeling hurt, vulnerable, lied to, etc, etc.

My x and I were married for 18 years, split up 5 years ago due to his affairs. I am now happily remarried. If there had been any way to save our marriage, I would have done that. Sadly, his 'free and single' lifestyle was more important to him than our relationship. Ironically, by the time he realised what he was actually sacrificing and wanted to work things out, I had moved on and wasn't willing to put myself through that. The pain and anguish caused by the divorce is huge and shouldn't be taken lightly.

I'm wondering how you feel about him and how he feels about you? What were things like 2 years ago when this woman came on the scene? It seems to me, he has stayed with you for the last two years, despite his strong attachment to her, so there must be something about your relationship that he values. When things like this happen, it's all too easy to focus on the negatives and things that don't work, rather than valuing the good things (even if they are in the past).

I'd encourage you to explore all of that before you make any decisions about the future. Your counselling sessions will be a good place do to this. I hope he does go to counselling too. If separating for a little while would aid clarity and give space for working things through, then perhaps that is an option at some stage?

Only you will know your own heart and the ins and outs of your relationship. In my opinion, you must be guided by that. Please make sure you are looking after yourself - eating well, taking exercise, trying to sleep, etc.

Please keep posting and letting us know how you are getting on. Take care, Bon